Down the Hatchet
Cap ItulateBy Akshay Patil
Winter is truly a trying time for fashion because it requires us to wear hats.
Well, it doesn’t require us to wear hats -- there wasn’t an official memo from the season dictating the use of headgear or else, but Darwin’s Law concerning the survival of the hatted dictates that in order to graduate, something better cover those ears.
The problem is, some of us (ahem, ahem) just don’t look good in hats. Plain and simple. For some reason, our face is just unacceptable unless our hair is present in its fullest and finest glory. No matter what form of cranial apparel we try to don, we always come out looking silly.
The sad thing is, I used to look good in hats. This was back in the days when I was cute (six years old and younger). Back then I could put anything on my head and it looked good; course I was far more interested in pouring sand into my hair, but when I actually did put on the occasional hat or tuna fish, it looked good. But those happy days are over. Now people don’t recognize me when I wear anything (on my head that is, shame on you and your dirty little mind). Many of my friends think I actually hibernate during the winter because they haven’t seen me. In reality, I’ve been locked in my room trying to figure out what I should wear while trying to battle frostbite with style.
Ski masks are out. The only think that looks sillier than wearing a hat that covers a head, is a hat that covers everything. Plus, you tend to run into problems when you go for your daily walk with that knife you always carry. As dreamy as your eyes may be, the cops aren’t going to be gazing lovingly into them when they book you for looking like a serial-killer.
Perhaps I could wear one of those big Fargo-like hats. Because all the characters in the movie looked so stylish running around with their accents -- I mean hats. And instead of being mistaken for a serial-killer, I could just run the risk of being killed by a serial-killer. Like I said, not a good season for fashion.
Then there’s the knit top -- with or without some emblem on the front. A knit top is no help, because it is precisely the wrong possible thing to wear, a hat. On hat-people, these hats can look good, even stylish; on the rest of us it looks like something’s wrong with our heads. We fidget with it, trying to get the damn thing at the right angle, periodically making sure we’re not wearing it inside-out by mistake. Something just looks inanely wrong about us as we romp around displaying our little beanies for all they’re worth -- $5.95 according to the tag sticking out of the top.
Which leaves us with our last option --glorified headbands. A piece of over priced elastic-y cloth that forms a ring around our head and clamps our ears against the sides of our heads. These would almost be perfect if they didn’t lead to the troll-doll effect.
The troll-doll effect (for those of you who haven’t caught on) is when your hair looks like that of a troll doll. You know, those little naked people with jewels in their tummies that gave them magical powers which involved their hair turning a variety of neon colors and becoming really huge. And when I say huge hair, I mean it. If a troll-doll were to use any sort of shampoo or conditioner that added body to their hair, they’d end up with a Siamese twin attached to them.
Anyways, the troll look is not a look that I strive to achieve in my daily (failed) forays into fashion. For one thing, I’m not a keen fan of personal nudity and I’m thinking a jeweled belly button might actually be painful. But then again, so are frozen ears -- so crystal power, here I come.