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FILM REVIEW

ClichÉs from Hell

‘Daredevil’ Goes Horribly Wrong

By Brian Loux

Associate Features Editor

Daredevil

Written by Bill Everett and Brian Helgeland

Directed by Mark Steven Johnson

Starring Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner, Michael Clarke Duncan, and Colin Farrell

Rated PG-13

Notice: This review is just the script obtained from Marvel Pictures. This was done with the intent of ruining the movie for you so you will not have to endure the hell that my friends and I did. The only way to get through watching it is to count the silly cameos. As well, this movie taught me the dangers of not having a date for Valentine’s Day.

Mark Steven Johnson (Director): Aw, man, we’re on the heels of Spiderman. Everyone’s going to compare Daredevil to that and other action movies.

Brian Loux (The Critic): Yes, yes we will.

Johnson: Then fine! I will rehash every single action movie ever, water it down, and put it out on screen!

Opening scene shows a church with a stained-glass Virgin Mary bleeding. Daredevil (Ben Affleck) is atop the church bleeding down onto the glass, clutching the cross, apparently signifying he is the second coming of Christ.

Christians everywhere: We are offended!

Ben Affleck: Who am I? You sure you wanna know?

Loux: This sounds a lot like Spiderman, but worse.

Begin quick and choppy explanation of hero’s history.

AJ Soprano: Murdock, you’re a wuss just like your dad! My dad is cooler!

Young Matt Murdock: My dad’s a great man! ... Oh no! Now I see my dad for the drunken alcoholic thug he really is!

Dad: Egads! I’m hideous!

Murdock runs away from the scene and into some barrels conveniently marked with the vague label “biohazard,” loses sight but strengthens every other sense.

Loux: Wait, the scene shows us you can hear the slightest of noises and that this can lead to sensory overload, yet somehow it only happens at inconvenient times in battle and the sounds of the New York streets don’t faze you. I’d also like to remind you that your new senses don’t allow you to do 36-story jumps or defy other laws of physics. Why do--

Loux struck violently with blind man’s cane and karate chops.

Murdock: I know Kung Fu.

Loux: Oh God. The Matrix, but worse.

Affleck’s Dad murdered; Affleck vows to fight for justice and emote boyish charm even though he’s supposed to be a dark crimefighter with a tormented soul. Flash forward 20 years.

Bartender at bar full of evil people: What do you want?

Affleck: Justice!

Justice is served by Affleck brutally murdering a bar full of people and throwing a guy on the train tracks.

Priest: My son, you should not kill like this.

Affleck: But I must, because I can. I’m not the bad guy!

Loux: Justification. It’s like the Boondock Saints, but worse.

John G from Memento: I will find the truth behind this superhero! Right, Lenny?

Loux: A New York Post reporter with journalistic integrity? Where’s the realism?

Comic Relief: Hey Affleck! I’m your wisecracking pal!

Loux: Just like in every action movie ever. But funny.

Affleck: I can smell a hot girl coming near. I love my powers.

Enter Jennifer Garner (Alias), a billionaire princess with a heart of gold.

Affleck: I am going to develop a romantic interest with you on the most whimsical of premises.

Loux: It’s like Star Wars II. But worse. Somehow.

Garner: Fight me first.

Justice is again served by the two violently fighting in typical Matrix style in front of impressionable inner city youths on a playground. Enter Michael Clarke Duncan (Green Mile) dressed as a pimp with the tune “I’m an Outlaw” in the background.

Black people everywhere: We are offended!

Duncan: I must kill Garner’s dad so I can establish myself as a bad guy. Fetch Bullseye.

Enter Colin Farrell (The Recruit) as a drunken ill-tempered Irishman with the ability to throw any projectile dead on.

Irish people everywhere: We are offended!

Loux: But this guy is the best character! He is a loveable, witty, anti-hero who does not answer to his boss, and has much better powers than Daredork over here. Give Farrell some more household objects! They should call the movie Bullseye!

Duncan: So Bullseye, how do you kill a man without fear?

Bullseye: By putting fear into him.

Duncan: Wow. That would work. What does it say about my character, the kingpin of New York city, when I couldn’t think of that myself?

Justice is yet again served by Affleck and Garner having pointless sex, with much exposure of Garner’s cleavage. Bullseye kills Garner’s dad but frames Affleck; Garner seeks revenge.

Silent Bob: Hey, John G, I have a clue for you about Daredevil’s identity. Snoochie boochies!

Garner dresses in leather and mortally wounds Affleck, but then learns the truth about Affleck’s identity and her father’s death. Bullseye kills Garner.

Loux: Everyone’s dying. It’s like Hamlet, but worse. A lot worse.

Justice is served by Affleck not dying and returning to the church. We are now back at the first scene in the movie, but we are very near the end.

Affleck: I still can’t think of anything.

Loux: Flashback humor. Like Fight Club, but worse.

Affleck and Bullseye fight in the church. The CGI is reminiscent of Tron. During the fight, a sniper shoots Bullseye through the hands, thus giving him the stigmata.

Christians everywhere: We are offended!

Bullseye: Affleck, I have you in a temporary bind. Here I will tell you that this was all part of Duncan’s master plan and he killed your father.

Loux: Like James Bond. But worse.

Justice is served when Affleck miraculously gains the upper hand and defeats Bullseye by demolishing everything of value in the church, he runs off to kill Duncan.

Duncan: This fight will be one-on-one, just like when I grew up in the streets of Bronx. I also like to eat fried chicken and drink malt liquor, massuh.

Black people everywhere: We are offended!

Affleck: Duncan! Let us fight in a climactic ending where I show how I’ve grown as a character and how we can both defy the laws of physics.

But the fight never comes. For mobs of offended Christians, Irish, Blacks, and most importantly moviegoers rush the set. Affleck is sent running back to J-Lo, only to find she has divorced him already. James Earl Jones and Sidney Poitier chide Duncan for setting back black actors 40 years. Males aged 14 to 100 run Johnson out on a rail for killing off Garner. God joins the ACLU in smiting the reels of film for being so pointlessly sacrilege. Justice is served.

Hulk: Crappy comic movie set up less draw for Hulk’s upcoming comic movie! Affleck make Hulk angry!