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Sex and the SafeRide

By “Daniel Chai”

Women ask questions, and men are forced to answer them. I’m going to save everyone’s time by showing you what the right and wrong answers to these questions are:

Question: Does this dress/pair of pants/shirt/mumu make me look fat?

Wrong Answer: What doesn’t make you look fat?

Right Answer: You couldn’t look fat even in that muumuu.

Question: Do you think I’m pretty?

Wrong Answer: Yeah, sure. You’re the best I could get.

Right Answer: You’re the most beautiful woman in the world to me.

Question: Do you think she’s hot?

Wrong Answer: No. She’s not hot at all.

Right Answer: Yes. (Or you can be smooth and say, “If you’re into that sort of thing...”)

Question: Do you think she’s hotter than me?

Wrong Answer: Yeah, she was pretty hot.

Right Answer: You fulfill me.

Question: Do you think he’s hot?

Wrong Answer: Oh, he’s gorgeous!

Right Answer: I don’t know, what do you think?

Question: Do you really care about me?

Wrong Answer: Actually, I’m only in it for the sex.

Right Answer: Why would I take the time to be with you if I didn’t care?

Question: Should I pay?

Wrong Answer: You’re so considerate! Thanks.

Right Answer: You’re so considerate! But I think I’ll pick this one up.

Question: Do you want to come in?

Wrong Answer: No, I’ve got to get back to my problem set.

Right Answer: Well, if you insist...

Question: Would you mind if I spent the night?

Wrong Answer: Actually, I think the SafeRide is coming by in a couple of minutes...

Right Answer: Left side of the bed or right?

Question: Do you notice anything different about me?

Wrong Answer: Yeah... you’ve gained a few pounds, right?

Right Answer: Yeah... you’ve grown so much more beautiful since the last time I saw you.

Question: Do you like my (noun of choice)?

Wrong Answer: Aww hellz no.

Right Answer: Of course I do... but not as much as I like you!

Question: Wouldn’t it be romantic if (action of choice)?

Wrong Answer: Yeah, like I can afford that.

Right Answer: Yeah, we should do that sometime. (Sometime meaning never)

Question: Why can’t all guys be like him?

Wrong Answer: Because all guys aren’t as whipped as he is.

Right Answer: Are you saying I’m not good enough?

Question: You would do that for me, right?

Wrong Answer: No chance in hell.

Right Answer: If only I had the chance...

Question: Do you want to try (sex act of choice)?

Wrong Answer: I didn’t know you were so kinky...

Right Answer: I love it when you’re experimental.

Question: Can I bring my friend?

Wrong Answer: No.

Right Answer: I just thought it was going to be us tonight...

Question: Are you breaking up with me?

Wrong Answer: Are you crying? That’s what I thought.

Right Answer: Yes, but it’s not you, it’s me.

Question: Is it hot when two girls are together?

Wrong Answer: Yes.

Right Answer: Yes.

Question: Do you think I’m stupid?

Wrong Answer: Yeah, actually, I do.

Right Answer: Do you think I’m stupid enough to answer that question?

Question: What are you thinking about?

Wrong Answer: Sex.

Right Answer: You.

Question: Don’t you want to talk to me?

Result: Catch-22. You’re screwed.

Well, guys, hopefully you’ve learned what to say and when to say it. Ladies, hopefully you’ve learned the answers to some of your burning questions, even if they are lies.

Great! Everybody’s learned something. Good luck!