The Tech - Online EditionMIT's oldest and largest
newspaper & the first
newspaper published
on the web
Boston Weather: 49.0°F | Overcast

Volume 124 Staff Elected, Casualties Remain Light

Special to The Tech

“Who are these kids, anyway?”

“They put out some kind of news paper, maybe that TechTalk thing.”

“What I don’t understand is why they’re always in their room. I mean, I work the early morning shift, three to ten, and I see’em on both ends. It’s like they never leave.”

“Yeah, well, they’re MIT students, right? They gotta be crazy to start with.” Alan picked up a stray carton of old Chinese food and threw it into his trash bag. “Fucking messy, too.”

Yanosh chuckled. “Probably think their mommies come by and pick it up for them, no?” He tossed an old ginger ale can into the recycling.

Alan looked up at the sound of voices in the hallway. “My god, more of them? What are they doing at ten in the morning on Saturday? Don’t even get paid, idiots.”

Casually, they gathered the remaining refuse into their cart and walked off as three members of The Tech’s managing board entered.

“Crap. Are we the first ones here?” said one. “Where’s the alcohol? No way I’m making it through this sober.”

Soon, however, Chairman Jyoti “I don’t have to be chairman anymore and screw you all!” Tibrewala arrived and quickly stopped such shenanigans.

“Okay people, sit down and shut up! There’s no way any of you is going to make me be chairman one minute longer than I have to,” she shouted, bringing the final manboard meeting of Volume 123 to order.

Lo and behold, within the blink of an eye, Hangyul “Condoms go fast in my room” Chung was elected as the new chairman. Tibrewala quickly sought to flee the awful torment of manboard elections, but was restrained and sat sulking in the corner for the rest of the meeting.

Like an elephant in a tiny china shop, Brian “Bull Poo!” Loux raged through his election for great justice as the new editor in chief, vowing to personally offend each and every reader during his reign.

Bizman Roy “I will not sell ads so you can have sex” Esaki was swept into office with great promises of unimaginable wealth and riches, in his afterlife.

Promising “more of the good stuff and less of the bad stuff,” David Carpenter found his way into the position of managing editor as the only one willing to sacrifice any chance of a good night’s sleep to fix production errors.

Smashing the ancient patriarchy of photo editors, Jina “The only unsketchy photog here” Kim claimed her rightful place as queen of the boxpic. Meekly following in her wake, Brian “This is my hobo stick; there are many like it but this one is mine” Hemond and Peter “Let’s choose the color of my underwear during manboard” Russo were allowed by Kim to become her personal servants as the other photo editors.

Stepping down as editor in chief, Christine “I’m going to be the next Monica Lewinsky” Fry was placed in charge of herding the stray, rabid and shapeshifting cats known as the “arts staff.” Based on the testimony of a nasty old drunk guy in the SIPB office, Amy “Who?” Lee also assumed the arts editorship.

Breaking the long tradition of there never being more than one biz staffer at a time, Lauren “I’m a college student, not a princess” Leung received the mantle of operations manager, a position vacant for so long it may include filling the ink in the office typewriters.

Vivek “The EIC thinks my girlfriend is hot” Rao came from the oblivion to save the opinion department. Keith “If they want to be staff, they have to be willing to put cock in The Tech” Winstein declined the opportunity to bring hardcore action to the opinion department, instead choosing the sketchier position of old fogey and senior editor.

“I prefer to spend my time examining other people’s private bits,” he said.

Taking over for Winstein in the dynasty of “I’m so anal I’m going to rewrite this story at one in the morning,” Beckett “I shave, but no angel ever comes to me!” Sterner was placed into the pit of Hell known as the News and Features Directorship. He will burn for at least one semester until all his sins are purged.

Completing the dominance of the class of 2006 in the news department, Kathy “That’s because no one likes you” Lin, Jenny “So solly but I no speeke inglish” Zhang and Marissa “I’m a math major; no, I’m an EAPS major; oh, who am I kidding, I’m just a party girl” Vogt conquered the fortress of page one as the new news editors.

Those to whom we are forever grateful, the new night editors of the production staff professed total ignorance of any past conspiracies to take control of the paper. Both Sie Hendrata “___” Dharmawan and Andrew “So what if ‘Word of the Day’ only comes out once a year?” Mamo pledged allegiance to the mast and one style under Quark, but Tiffany “Wow, those are short shorts” Dohzen screamed “Down with the word!” before the music-over could start playing.

Donald “Quick in, quick out” Wong was elected Ads Man, then quickly declared “I love you all, but I’d rather see you burn in Hell” and quit.

In a remarkable turn of events, the sports section was actually able to produce more than one staff member, and both Brian “I’ve only worked here one term and I’m already on manboard” Chase and Phil “Work is good, sleep is better” Janowicz were elected as sports editors. They gave a money back guarantee on every sports article should the reader be dissatisfied.

Closing up the ranks as the old fogies necessary for all “get drunk and reminisce about when The Tech was good” sessions, Devdoot “It sucks” Majumdar, Jeremy “Hah! I have escaped from your hellhole!” Baskin were elected as contributing editors, while Satwiksai “Sure, why not?” Seshasai and Jennifer “Ooh, the sticky notes match my shirt” Krishnan were elected as senior editors.

Forever the outsider who spends more time at The Tech than the EIC, John “I try to be nice, really” Hawkinson just barely squeaked by as ombudsman. “I shall conquer all typos and style errors,” he declared, tilting a dry erase marker at an iMac.

Sadly, no technology director was elected this year. That means paper and pen in under two weeks once the server dies.

Finally, the even older fogies were elected to the Advisory Board of The Tech. Although they had long since passed out because of the length of the meeting (and some possibly from overdoses on Viagra), the following were elected: B(een There) D(one That) Colen, Robert “Hired Gun” Malchman, Saul “Desknet” Blumenthal, V. Michael “Junior” Bove, Jonathan “U.S. Certified Genius” Richmond, Barry “NY Times” Surman, Paul “Indexing Project” Schindler, Debby “Token Adboard Female” Levinson, Ryan “BBQ” Ochylski, and Peter “Don’t hate me cuz I’m a lawyer” Peckarsky.