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Sex and the SafeRide Don’t Fly Solo: Wingman Tips

By Danchai Mekadenaumporn

Features Columnist

When it comes to picking up women, there are certain assets that are of great importance: good looks, money, charisma, and fame. You’ll usually be able to pull your own weight if you have even one of these things. However, if you find yourself to be the unlucky individual without any of these qualities, your greatest asset will be your wingman.

There are certain qualities that you should look for in a wingman before you start hitting on everything you see. The absolute first thing that you’ll need to look for is loyalty. When it comes down to choosing between a woman and a friend, it’s definitely got to come down to the old adage, “bros before hos.” A woman should never, ever come between friendship.

The second quality that a wingman must possess is courage. Whether it’s talking to strange people or backing you up in a bar fight against an Ultimate Fighting Championship title-holder, your buddy should have the balls to approach both with the same intensity. If he runs home crying in either of these situations, kick his ass (then get a new wingman).

The third thing you’ll want in a wingman is looks. He shouldn’t look too much better than you, but not much worse either. If he’s too attractive he might end up getting all the play; if he’s too ugly he’s going to scare all the girls away. Neither is desirable. Last, but not least, you’ll want to look at his personality. Is he a laid back, easy-to-talk-to, all-around good guy? Perfect.

After choosing the perfect wingman, you’ll need to work out with him what roles both of you are playing. If you’re reading this, you want to be the wing commander; the one calling the shots. The wingman is your support. Depending upon the situation, he’ll be either a full-time or part-time wingman. If he’s taken, his primary responsibility is to make sure that you get a number, get laid, or whatever else it is that you’re looking for. If you’re both single, then you’ll be switching off roles. You can’t go hogging all the fun for yourself.

After deciding what roles you’re playing, you want to dole out responsibilities and expectations as well. Your wingman should understand these stipulations: he’s there for support, he may be going home alone while you live out your wildest fantasies. Whatever crap you get yourself into, he’s the one obliged to get you out of it. He’ll lie for you, distract the ugly girl so you can get the hot one, lend you money when you’re broke, and make sure you don’t end up with a medusa-looking fugly girl because you’re too drunk to tell the difference (this is the only acceptable time to cockblock).

He’s got your back in all situations, but definitely not for free. Let’s also realize that to reciprocate his goodwill, you will either be his wingman later, or honor him with lavish (but manly) gifts. He slept with the ugly girl or got his ass kicked for a reason -- and it wasn’t out of the kindness of his heart.

After you’ve come to all of these understandings (there are many, I know), you’re almost ready to party. Before you go out though, you need to develop a system of communication. In the real world, information is power; it isn’t any different in the world of dating.

You two will need to understand each other at all times to be at peak effectiveness. That means working out a system to figure out which girl each of you is going after or let each other know when you’re going to need a ride home or if you’re spending the night. Discreet hand signals should be enough for the former. The latter might involve discreet cell phone calls, or blind faith that your buddy is going to get home safe (but that’s probably not the way to go).

Especially important is devising an “abort” signal. Let’s say you both go up to a group of girls at a club and start dancing. If their big, stupid, and aggressive boyfriends come back and one of you is oblivious, the other would throw up an “abort” signal. That way you can slip away undetected and without conflict.

Hopefully I’ve provided enough of a rough guide to help you divide and conquer -- all night long.