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Positive Sinking

Drinking American Penguins

By Akshay Patil

Features Editor

Mr. Sinking,

I can’t drink while walking. Whenever I need to take a sip from a bottle, I stop regardless of where I am, regardless of how many people may give me dirty looks from behind in the Infinite, and take my drink stationarily [Editor’s Note: not a real word]. But I very readily read while walking, which one of my teachers commented on, saying he never understood people who could do that. Do you have any walking limitations? Sincerely,

-- Reluctant Submitter

Dear Mr./Ms. R. Submitter, I too suffer from inability-to-drink-while-walking-osis. While this crippling disease may seriously affect your ability to enjoy life in a variety of ways, remember that there is help.

In particular, I’ve found a recent medical breakthrough has really helped me come to terms with my inability-to-drink-while-walking-osis; it’s called “straws.” Maybe you’ve seen the ad in “People” Magazine? Since discovering straws, I’ve been able walk and drink with almost unnerving ease. Even better, straws are relatively cheap and covered by many HMOs. Some side effects of straws may include sucking-faces, cut gums, and heroin addiction. Make sure to ask your doctor if straws are right for you.

Speaking of MIT, drinks, and straws, how have you been holding up following the departure of bubble-tea from Arrow Street Crepes? Seriously, people just won’t stop moaning about how they can’t get their boba fix these days. Raise tuition? Fine. Change summer housing policies? Fine. Get rid of student center boba? Over my dead body, you heartless SOBs, I’d rather have my eyes scraped out with rusty spoons and raked over hot coals... my precious... we wonts let them takes you from us, will we?

Anyway, yeah, my friends all mope about these days, periodically shaking their fists at the sky and screaming “WHYY?” followed by a string of obscenities which I, bound by my oath of communicational decency, cannot reproduce in a family newspaper such as this (hi kids!).

Some people and I were watching an ad for “Joe Millionaire” in Europe, and were wondering what FOX would do when women on every continent were fully aware of the Joe Millionare secret. We thought they would have to do the show in Antarctica, and call it Joe Pengiun. A bunch of women compete for what they think is a rich short man who wears tuxedos all the time. What do you think of this concept?

Your suggestion, and I mean this from the very bottom of my vestigial tail, is quite possibly the coolest thing I have ever heard. Why are you even at MIT? Shouldn’t you be out making large quantities of cash as a TV executive? If the networks thought Americans liked attractive but zany people hanging around a New York coffeeshop, they’ll be blown away by how many will watch babes in Antarctica with penguins.

The best part is that not only would we benefit from the quality entertainment of watching money-grubbing women trying to “get it on” with well-dressed waterfowl, but the show has a guaranteed happy ending! The penguin gets a hot girlfriend and the girl gets a penguin. Man, who could pass that up?

Maybe I’d enter the contest just to try my luck. You really should copyright your idea though, because you never know what sort of spin-offs might follow. “Queer Eye for the Penguin,” “Ebert and Penguin” (two wings up!), “American Penguin,” or “The OC.” TFP -- Television For Penguins; it’s an insatiable market.

This column was written and performed by a professionally trained individual in a highly controlled environment. Please do not attempt this column without the adult supervision. If any part of this column should come in contact with your eye, mouth, or other sensitive area, please e-mail immediately and gargle salt water for five minutes. Stay safe people.