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Sex and the SafeRide

The Orgasm Next Door

By Alex Nelson

features columnist

When is an orgasm unwelcome? Well the answer to that is quite simple -- when it’s your neighbor’s.

My neighbor’s orgasm announces itself at 3 a.m. on Friday nights, or at least that’s been the trend in recent weeks.

The first time was quite a shock. I’d gone to bed between midnight and 1 a.m. and was fast asleep by the time the clock struck three. At precisely 3:11 a.m., I was awoken by a strange noise. Coming out of a sleepy stupor, I turned towards the clock and pulled out an earplug to see what was the matter.

Soon I realized what noise had awoken me. It was none other than a moaning male from the room next door. It started as a long dampened moaning, but then the moans got louder and quicker until the man apparently climaxed in a deafening “UHHHHHHHHHHH.”

I couldn’t help but turn away, pulling the covers up over my head as a wave of nausea fell upon me. I prayed that it wouldn’t be “her” turn next and that the moaning was over... at least for tonight. The night fell silent and I fell back asleep.

The next morning I woke up with a strange feeling. I felt disgusting. My emotions were a mix of both anger and disgust. My reaction seemed somewhat extreme, but the events of the previous night were more than disturbing. I thought to myself, “well at least it was a quick one.” He couldn’t have enjoyed it too much -- the moaning only lasted perhaps five seconds. But what does it matter? I still had to listen to those five seconds of pleasure for him and pain for my ears!

The following weekend my boyfriend came to visit. I was on the offensive -- a counterattack was in order. I knew that we could outdo any five-second revelry.

One week later. Friday night. 3 a.m. once again. I came home after a night of partying in an attempt to forget the 2.005 test from the previous week.

I was feeling pretty good. I climbed into bed all tingly, knowing that I would fall asleep the moment my head hit the pillow. Enjoying a stupor of a different kind, I heard a familiar sound. Life was all good, and even a dirty show broadcasted from the room next-door via a heat vent wouldn’t get me down. I thought it would be damn funny!

First I recognized a female’s heavy breathing/panting. I wanted to laugh aloud. The breaths were so short and so deep that it could have easily been mistaken for hyperventilation. Every once in a while she threw in an “Oh my God, oh my God.” But there appeared to be no real climax in this case. It was just a long drawn-out roller coaster ride of gasping for air and praying to God that he would find her clitoris. I don’t think he ever did.

After a few moments of silence, it was of course “his” turn. Upon hearing the first moan, I cringed recalling the male moaner from two weeks ago. However, this moan was of a different sort. Now I am convinced that this poor new guy really has very little sexual experience, for he mimicked “her” sounds by saying “Oh my God” in between long, deep sighs. What kind of guy says “Oh my God”? I can’t even imagine. Maybe he’s from Harvard?

And what happened next? Not a damn thing. Either I fell asleep from boredom or he didn’t fully climax either.

One thing is certain: The orgasm next door definitely changed my perspective on things. Sex, which is meant to be shared with one other person, may unintentionally or intentionally be shared with many more. Loud sex does not allow for private sex. Although loud sex may be really good sex, it destroys the intimacy of the act when others are able to follow exactly what is going on between you and your lover. So from now on, when I feel the urge to scream out in ecstasy, I will instead do as Vicky does in “American Pie” and smother my face with the nearest pillow.