COLUMN
All that Money Can Buy
Ed Kopesky
Editor’s note: For years, rebellion against authority has been powerfully expressed through song. This lyric is set to the tune of Don McLean’s American Pie.
A long long time ago
I can still remember how that stipend used to make me smile
And I knew that if I had my chance
That I could get MIT grants
And maybe they’d treat us well for a while
But February made me shiver
When the steep rent hike was delivered
Thirteen percent for next year
Our financial ruin drew near
I then remembered what I lost
When I paid those huge off-campus costs
So my piggy bank was tossed
The day rents went sky high
So bye bye, all that money can buy
Debts piled sky high now you know our poverty’s bonafide
While Vest enjoys drinking his best vintage wine
Singing “This’ll be the day the rents rise
This’ll be the day the rents rise”
Double trouble the stock market stumbled
The endowment slipped and provost Brown grumbled
“Nominal growth now” he whined
It steadied at a five-billion mass
An amount the size of Mama Cass
More than Lucas and Spielberg combined had amassed
But although it had nearly grown times four
Since good ol’ nineteen ninety-four
The Vester sang the blues
While a poor UROP shined his shoes
And while the grads trudged to work through the muck
Vest asked the valet for his brand new truck
And tipped the man a quarter buck
The day rents went sky high
So bye bye, all that money can buy
Now we’re smartin like Steve Martin in Father of the Bride
But Vest could fund four weddings and a fun ride
Singing “My Ferrari sure can fly
My Ferrari sure can fly”
Now for n years we’ve been on our own
And dust grows fast on the tenured’s bones
Sitting in endowed chairs with glee
And the Vester ate all that free cuisine
With a slew of MIT’s rich deans
And the funds that came from you and me
Oh, and while the grads were looking down
The Vester took their every pound
The endowment doubly earned
Not a cent was returned
And while Course 8 read a book on quarks
The grad students worked well past dark
And U.S. News gave MIT high marks
The day rents went sky high
So bye bye, all that money can buy
Thought of movin’ in and snoozin’ with Bilbo in the Shire
But I’d still picture Vest guzzlin’ down that wine
Singing “The best come anyway, so why try?
The best come anyway, so why try?”
I would write a letter to the Gov.
But the cost of one stamp is above
One month’s disposable dough
Could the money crunch have been foretold?
When Simmons Hall cost its weight in gold
With a design right out of a freak show
Such flash in Cambridge had the sense
Of a pearly gate on a rotting fence
And nearby for half the price
A house twice the size that looked nice
And when S&P climbed high into the night
Its budget truly came out right
But we wouldn’t take cramped quads without a fight
The day rents went sky high
So bye bye all that money can buy
To survive I’ll have to write the next American Pie
Or remake Lions, Tigers, and Bears oh my
Singing Vest could play the tin man just fine
Vest could play the tin man just fine
I met a girl who sang the blues
After she’d paid her activity fee dues
She said, I’ll be broke by May
I went down to the grocery store
Where I’d spent some money long before
But the man there said I had nothing with which to pay
And the Infinite Corridor filled with screams
The nth-years cried and the first-years dreamed
But Vest kept hold of our goods
And to the mirror he said, I’m Tiger Woods
And the three films he enjoys the most
The Godfather, Nuns on the Run, and Ghost
Were all shown at his big beast roast
The day rents went sky high
So bye bye, all that money can buy
Lost all our pay and still each day we’re in lab until nine
While Vest goes out and gets some more vintage wine
Singing “MIT’ll care when pigs fly
MIT’ll care when pigs fly.”
Ed Kopesky is a graduate student in Chemical Engineering.
View Archives