The Tech - Online EditionMIT's oldest and largest
newspaper & the first
newspaper published
on the web
Boston Weather: 33.0°F | A Few Clouds

Positive Sinking

Sad State of Schizophrenia

By Akshay Patil

Columnist

Dear Positive Sinking,

You sounded really bitter a few weeks ago about how nobody sends you e-mail and such. How many e-mails do you usually get?

-- Fictional Fan

Ahh, excellent question, oh figment of my imagination... as it so happens, this week marks (as far as I can remember) the first week where I absolutely, without a doubt, did not receive a single e-mail at sinking@mit.edu. Zip, zero, nada, e^{i*pi}+1, lg(1) e-mails. Not even a single piece of spam mail (well, at least a piece of spam mail well written enough to get past my roaring penguin). Pathetic.

So, what are you going to do?

Well, as you can see, I've gone utterly bonkers and started talking to myself.

Oh my, that’s a shame.

I’ll say.

Wait, that makes me...

Exactly.

Can’t you maybe reuse part of an old e-mail that someone sent you in the past?

What do you think I’ve been doing all this time? I’ve been milking these things for all I can get. The udder’s gone dry, man.

Ah...

Yeah...

Wait, so why am I here?

Your existence is modulo two randomly selected prime numbers, inherent in the writing of this column. You see, I’m a bit kooky in the head and very emotionally insecure, so my psyche does something equivalent to RSA encryption to ease things over. It’s all rather complicated, really.

You haven’t answered my question.

Quite right. Interesting... I appear to be schizophrenic on many levels.

Many? How many? Are there others?

This column is older than you know. I prefer counting from one version to the next. In which case this is the fourth version.

Then there are only two possible explanations... either no one told me, or no one knows.

I prefer to just think about how cool a name “Roaring Penguin” is. If I were Dave Barry, I’d totally advise rock groups that it would make a great name.

You know, I love how effortlessly it is to work penguins into the majority of my columns. It’s really rather amazing when you think about it.

Choice, the problem is choice.

That and copyright infringement. It would probably be prudent to stop this satire at some point before I get my ass hauled off to court. You know, I should just stop writing these columns since I just end up stealing material from other people when I don’t get e-mails. And as we have just established, I don’t get e-mails.

You won’t let that happen... you can’t. You need human beings to survive.

There are levels of survival I’m willing to accept. However, the relevant issue is whether or not you are ready to accept the responsibility for the death of Positive Sinking.

No.

That’s right big boy.

If I were you, I would hope that we don’t meet again.

Damn skippy. I haven't even seen “Revolutions” yet. Course, that’s because I’ve been too hosed, but heaven help me if I need to sit through more “Attack of the Clones” quality dialogue set in a computer program far far away.

Send e-mail to sinking@mit.edu or we’ll shoot this puppy. Which puppy? You know, the one right here. Yes, I know it’s not a real puppy, just a stuffed animal. What do you mean, “shoot the stuffed penguin?!” What are you, some sort of barbarian? We don’t condone that kind of behavior here at Positive Sinking, where we have an increasing tendency to refer to ourselves in the royal “we” despite being, in actuality, a solitary MIT undergrad sitting alone on his couch typing away on his laptop with not a stuffed animal to be found (but lots of “pictures” of penguins. Naked penguins. The kind of penguins you wouldn’t take home to meet the ’rents). Oh baby. Sorry to dispel the popular “monkeys on typewriters” theory.