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Positive Sinking

Now with Talking Stick-Figure Heads

By Akshay Patil
COLUMNIST

Dear Positive Sinking (yes, that is your new name now),

Have you ever noticed how some comic strips are by two cartoonists? How would that work out? Does that mean both cartoonists have to get together in order to come up with a single idea? Or do they have one person come up with ideas and the other person just sit there and say “Not funny enough, try again?”

If Positive Sinking were to come with a comic strip, would you do it yourself, or would you hire twenty staff members? You should get that Tech Supplement guy... he can be really funny at times.

--Scott Adams (the smart one, because he only has to draw three pictures for a full strip)

Excellent question, Monsieur Adams. I, too, spend large quantities of time sitting around pondering deep philosophical issues such as the one you have just posed. I would conjecture that double-authored strips are probably writer/drawer pairs. You know, kind of like the drawer/inker duo in “Chasing Amy” except one of them just comes up with ideas. Or something.

If Positive Sinking were to expand into the comic strip business, we (sadly, this is a royal “we”... I’m so lonely) would totally hire 20 staff members and stick them into a cramped smelly room with paper, pens (no pencils! no mistakes!), and a toilet. The toilet is key; many sweat comic shops overlook the fact that toilets are a necessary tool in comedy. All too often we forget our trade’s ancient motto “Never leave home without a toilet.” Ahh... wise words indeed.

With such a large staff, we would make sure that the high quality standards of Positive Sinking are not compromised (remember our slogan: “Positive Sinking -- We put the ‘P’ in ‘Pissing’”). I would personally sit outside the door with a whip and periodically scream “You call a banana with a toupee ‘funny’? We’re trying to make people laugh, not burp!” I’d also wear a pair of nice, tight leather pants, an unbuttoned shirt, a cute little hat and I’d crack my whip like Catwoman and go purrrr...

Ahem...

Anyways, as I was saying, If I weren’t able to shanghai 20 staff members, I’d probably have a pretty ugly comic strip. You know, like one of those strips which is just three panels of stick-figure talking heads. And they’d make marginally funny jokes that only MIT people would laugh at. See below.

Oh yeah, look at the emotion! The drama! The suspense! The colors! The life-like detail! The bananas in toupees! Nothing left to do now but sit back and wait for a Pulitzer. Well, might as well go on to the next e-mail while the committee does their final voting.

Hi,

This is a special offer to alumni, These units are refurbished and are guaranteed to look and work like new, they just don’t cost like it. They are regulation size with all the standard laptop features. Each is complete and ready to go out of the box, and includes all the software a student usually needs. battery and ac adaptor, netcarrd, and modem.

To get yours now or for more information click on the banner above or the URL bellow. These won’t last long these special prices.

Guaranteed 90 days.

Special up grade at any time and receive the full price you paid towards your new unit.

Buy within the next 48 hours and receive free Fax Machine capability for this unit.

Delivered to your door,

You will love it our your money back.

--Thank You

Holy Crap! I could get a regulation sized laptop with a netcarrd for $99. Amazing! And the best part is that even if I don’t like it, I can get “our your” money back. This is the bestest e-mail Positive Sinking has ever received. You like me... you really do like me.

Tears of joy are streaming from my eyes and onto my keyboard but I don’t care because I’m going to use my alumni special offer and get this wondrous machine delivered to my door, maybe even with the special up grade. I’m so happy.

Are you lonely too? Do you wish you had a newspaper column all to yourself that you could snuggle up with in front of the fireplace on a cold winter night? Well, e-mail sinking@mit.edu and remember: only you can prevent forest fires.