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Positive Sinking

The Death of DTH and a Call for E-mails

By Akshay Patil
COLUMNIST

Well, welcome back to the ’tute. Hope you had a great summer, because it’s over. It’s not coming back. Well, I guess it sort of is, but that’ll be a different summer, which will be similar, but altogether not quite the same as the one we just had. I, however, digress.

For all you regular viewers, you will notice that today’s programming differs slightly from normally scheduled Friday Fun Section, “Down the Hatchet.” I’m sorry, to say that “Down the Hatchet” is dead ... it is no more, it ceases to be.

Bereft of life it rests in peace. Instead, we here at The Tech are proud to introduce a new feature that we hope you really like entitled “Positive Sinking.”

Basically the idea behind “Positive Sinking” is that I have no more ideas.

None. No interesting ones anyways. I do have some choice words about how FOX cancelled “Family Guy” and the appalling lack of penguins in American media, but those are rants that I will spare you, the concerned viewer.

So, in an effort to keep all of you entertained (including all you freshmen and assorted new people who think that previous paragraph made absolutely no sense), I have decided that the easy, ethical, environmentally-safe thing to do this term is start an e-mail-fueled column. That’s right, every week tens of thousands of you should write fascinating e-mails to me (sinking@mit.edu), from which I will select the utterly awe-inspiring few that will provide fodder for whatever it is I decide to write about.

Valid topics include pretty much anything from animals taking over the world to how much I rock/suck-ass to philosophical questions concerning my ability to type with boxing gloves on.

Yes, together, you and I will create a virtual orgy of ideas ... an abundance of asinine, a watershed of weird, a collection of craziness, a cornucopia of copulat ... errr. You get the idea.

Of course, such quality programming can only happen thanks to viewers like you.

In order for this to work, I’m going to need your help. I am but one man. I’m going to need funny articles, criticism, contemplations, rants, you name it from all y’all. And lots of them. Some say it can’t work, but I have faith in you, the Reader. I capitalize your name not as a measure of abstract symbolism, but to address You, my sole reader. Hi, mom.

Anyways, I’m going to need e-mails, because if not I’ll get angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.

So having exhausted my call for e-mails in the spirit of “Positive Sinking,” I pose a question to you in the spirit of the now daisy-pushing “Down the Hatchet:”

Do they eat Cheerios in England? I mean think about it, would you buy a cereal “Good-bye’s”? I don’t think so; that’d be pretty morbid. I would look to the nutritional information half expecting to see “rat poison” listed as the main ingredient.

But it’s a well-known product here on this side of the pond, and you would think that it might just be one piece of American culture that we decided to stuff down the throat of the Brits. Maybe they call it something else in a concerted effort not to scare away possible timid, rightly-postured consumers.

To all those MIT CMI exchange students who probably aren’t reading this column, I challenge you to find out and report back as to the state of our brethren’s breakfast cereals. If any current Cambridge CMI exchange students have wandered this far down the column, please, send me e-mail and fill me in ...

Remember, that’s sinking@mit.edu. And if, indeed, Cheerios are sold in the Great land of Britain, do people comment on, joke about, make musings concerning the brand name? It just seems too good to pass up.