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Nutty B

By Nutty B

Dear Nutty B,

The Orientation activities are about to be over, and school is about to start. I am a freshman, and I am quite nervous about this whole college thing. How am I going to prepare myself so that by the time I am 22, I will graduate with honors in 5 majors and get ready for my PhD and MD?

--Sleepless in Cambridge

Dear Sleepless,

Take a breath and splash some water on your face. If you are still in your unrealistic dream, I suggest you ask your roommate to hit you with a baseball bat. Hello?!? You just started and you are already panicking?

Don’t stress yourself too much, or the only thing you are going to get in four years will be a certificate of release from the mental institute!

For your information, there is no honors degree at MIT. As for the number of majors you wish to complete: if your roommate hasn’t hit you with a bat, I will! Get real, buddy! I am sure you have done well in high school and are nerdy enough to come here, but an ambition that unrealistic will only hurt you in the long run.

You should try to get to know your environment first and try to get used to it. After you are comfortable with where you are then you can start to think about going to Mars. One step a time! Just relax and try your best, and that’s all that counts! Enjoy your years here and make it a blast!

Dear Nutty B,

I am a PhD student here going into my third year. Just a few days ago, I met this girl in our departmental orientation and I was totally stunned. She just arrived to start her first year of graduate studies. I really want to ask her out, but I don’t know how. Any advice?

--Easily Blushed

Dear Easily Blushed,

Would you like to try Elle Wood’s Bend and Snap? I personally have never seen a guy using it on a girl, but perhaps you would like to be the first to try?

Have you found out what her name is yet? If not, maybe you should ask her next time you see her? Before you just go and ask her to dine with you, you should start out with getting her name and REMEMBERING IT! I am sure she will be attending other activities hosted by your department, so just go to those events and introduce yourself when you see her again. Please, and I repeat, please, do not eat garlic or onion before you go so that you can smell sexy! While I am sure everyone has his or her own taste, I haven’t really met anyone who enjoyed talking to someone whose breath smells like a vampire-killer. Also, just be yourself! Don’t pretend to be a saint when you enjoy kicking every cat and dog you see on the streets, and don’t say you sound like Bryan Adams when you shatter glass windows every time you sing. Remember, only the truth will set you free!

Now drop this newspaper, go take a shower, brush your teeth, and finally put on your clean underwear. Pick out a good outfit and go find your gal. Good luck!

Thanks for the numerous responses I have received. Please send all questions to