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A New Era Of Scantily-Clad Women

Philip Burrowes

We all know where to go to get the good doses of female objectification: music videos, comic books, pornography, etc. Ogling is about to reach a new level, however, and it’s necessary to stay on the cutting edge, lest we fall behind like Russia or the New York Mets. (Sure, they might start winning by the time this article reaches print but, hey, Mike Piazza’s gay.) Technology, social dissolution, and good old-fashioned hormones are making this a great era for woman-lusters of any sex. Let us stand up and take notice.

As music videos provide us with the most diverse array of women for our viewing pleasure, there is no better place to start than MTV. MTV, in case you haven’t heard, is airing more than just videos nowadays. Knowing what we like, however, they’ve sought to maintain a flesh standard on all programming. The MTV Movie Awards -- which managed to parody The Fellowship of the Ring without a twinge of surreality -- were sprinkled with scantily-clad dancers between every pair of cue-card readers. Summer’s Hottest Figures brought lack of clothing out of the filler and into the focus. “Twenty fine young things squared off in crazy competitions to prove that they deserve to wear the ‘Hottest Figure’ title.” Granted, it wasn’t actually summer while they were filming, so occasionally the girls were covered, but when they did put on those bikinis, the cold made their bodies look all the more pleasing.

Less forgivable are the distractions provided by male contestants. We only want to see males if they’re doing things to females. MTV will no doubt rectify this when Sorority Life starts airing later this month. Basically Big Brother set at the University of California at Davis, the show promises lots of frat parties, and it better well deliver. We can always rely on Girls Gone Wild if Life proves a disappointing.

Speaking of that esteemed video series, the Doggfatherhimself is going to issue a product under its imprint, appropriately titled Girls Gone Wild, Doggystyle. Fans of his award-winning (no, really) erotic video appropriately named Doggystyle will no doubt expect much out of Snoop, but the infomercials aren’t scheduled to air for a couple of months. In the meantime, we must make do with the shower fight sequence from his latest music video, Give Up the Funk. That scene was largely lifted from the film Undercover Brother, as the song is from that movie’s unOriginal Soundtrack. Of course, one of the themes of that film may or may not be that the objectification of women is a national weakness. You’d have to spend time figuring out if it’s a satire or not.

None of these faux-funk or quasi-Survivor productions, however, can hold a candle to the announcement at the last Electronic Entertainment Expo. While there’s no word yet on whether Samus Aran strips at the end of the new Metroid, all of the Dead or Alive women are definitely taking it off for the ultimate tournament: a beach volleyball tournament, that is. Did you feel stupid all those years for playing a fighting game just to see the females’ breasts jiggle beneath their oh-so-concealing outfits? Then get ready for a guilt-free volleyball game using the latest in silicone-simulation graphics with beach attire. How good a volleyball simulation DOA Xtreme Beach Volleyball will be is another story -- a less important story.

Still too much clothing for you? Try Dave Mirra X3, i.e. Dave Mirra XXX. Its premise of strippers on bikes may seem like a trite marketing ploy to keep a stagnating genre aloft, but unlike DOA or Disney characters, their super supra-thoracic girth is actually pertinent to the task at hand. You see, the gameplay doesn’t involve just pedals and brakes, but will have actual stripping components.

Once a product can get by on its appearance alone, there’s no need to provide significant content. Just look at [insert overdone, non-Star Wars pop culture reference here]. That assumes there’s any message worth such demeaning packaging. Should “women of color,” forexample, be pleased by Malou Hansonn’s appearance as Miss Sweden in the last Miss Universe pageant, or unnerved that it’s becoming increasingly acceptable to view them as things to be ranked? Would a world where every Mary Jane, Lois Lane, and PadmÉ Amidala has an overzealous protector inevitably be a world where it is always the damsel who is in distress?

Oh, and there would be nothing especially wrong with Mike Piazza, were he a homosexual, so there’s no need to rush to his “defense.”