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What, You Vote?

Ken Nesmith

This election is shaping up to be one of the closest ever. You can choose to vote for George W. Bush, but I give you more credit than that. You could vote for Al “I’m a Bore and That’s For Sure but You’re Not Poor so Let’s Have More” Gore, but the poor guy is so pitiable and frustrating that it’s hard to imagine electing him president.

It’s not so much that he’s an evil, bad man, but more that he is constantly attempting to project a designed image that has been created from the reaction to his last designed image. Nearly every time you watch the man speak, this becomes blindingly obvious and annoying. Al Gore may be the single largest cause of channel changes from C-SPAN to the channel next to C-SPAN in the history of the channel C-SPAN.

You could vote for Ralph Nader, this election’s national voting trash can, but he wouldn’t like that, would he? No, he wouldn’t want you to throw away your vote wastefully; as a Green, Nader would certainly want you to use your vote rather than waste it, so pick a real candidate; i.e., someone with money and an elephant or donkey sticker. There are a few other names floating around the ballot, but I can’t really remember them right now, and hopefully you can’t either, so we just won’t worry about them.

So, dear Tech reader, what sagacious wisdom may I offer you as, on November 7, you enter that sacred temple of freedom, the collapsible voting booth? I urge you not to vote at all; don’t bother to grace the temple with your presence. Avoid the booth completely. You know as well as I do that your vote will make no difference whatsoever, especially in this Gorish state of Massachusetts. Should you doubt this, I’ll give you one thousand to one odds that your vote will not be the decisive vote in the election. You don’t matter.

Furthermore, if fewer people vote, my vote becomes a larger percentage of the total vote, and I, in a mathematical way, wield more power with my vote.

Finally, if history is any indication, and it absolutely is, most of you won’t vote anyway, so if I tell you not to vote, in retrospect it will seem that you took my advice, and I will be able to live happily with the illusion of being a convincing writer.

So be lazy with pride, and on November 7, remain firmly lodged in your regular routine; don’t vote.