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Do It with Emotion

This column addresses questions concerning sex and relationships. Dr. Do It and Ms. Emotion do not claim to be experts in the field but have been “around the block” a few times and have seen their share of situations involving relationships and sex. The opinions of Dr. Do It and Ms. Emotion do not necessarily reflect the opinions of this publication.

Dr. Do It,

I desperately need your advice. Ever since watching “Wild Things,” I’ve been overcome with a fantastic need to watch two women “get it on.” Neve Campbell and what’s-her-name sure know how to make a guy hot. Woo! Don’t you agree?

Anyway, here’s my question. I’ve been dating this girl for a couple months. She’s bisexual and has a couple of hot lesbian friends. Should I ask her to invite one of her friends over and let me watch?

-USS Voyeur

Dr. Do It: If you can get that to happen, excellent. And invite me over! But seriously, I can understand the intrigue as I must admit it is definitely one of my fantasies. You could possibly broach the topic of sexual fantasies with your girlfriend and discuss what you are really interested in. If she seems very receptive or even eager about the idea, then you’re most of the way there. However, don’t count on it, as it takes a certain kind of personality to be into exhibitionism.

One of the main things to think about though is whether you guys are serious or exclusive in your relationship and whether both of you are comfortable with this type of activity. It still is possible to participate in these activities even if you are in a committed relationship. You must make sure that neither of you will feel threatened by the experience. Even with all this said, sometimes people have issues with it either during or after the experience. The over-arching thing to remember is for both of you (as well as the potential third person) to communicate openly about it if you do consider going through with it. Also, make sure everyone’s true feelings about it are out in the open. And if any of you changes how you feel about it at any time, you should let the others know.

At the same time, this would be a good opportunity to find out what fantasies she has had. You can find out what she would really get a kick out of doing and see if the two of you could orchestrate one of her fantasies as well. The obvious perfect match would be if the two of you end up having the same fantasy but that is rare. Through exploring your fantasies and trying new things you can definitely spice things up and keep it interesting.

Dear Ms. Emotion and Dr. Do It,

I am wondering how we can encourage more committed dating relationships? In my experience, as well as in many of my friends, time and time again, I see a dating relationship end in a bad breakup or ok breakup. But for the most part, the breakups cause much pain and heartache on both sides. Then, I wonder why we want to date so badly? Are we that in need of love or intimacy? And if we are seeking love or intimacy, should we not be much more careful in who we decide to date or get involved in a sexual relationship with? Well, I hope you can help me out, and through this column I hope that you can encourage people to be more committed in their dating adventures.

-Mr. Wanting to see more commitment in dating relationships

Ms. Emotion: The whole point of dating someone is to figure out if you are right for each other. More often than not, and I don’t think this should be a surprise to anyone, two people are not right for each other. As soon as you realize this, I think the best thing you can do, both for yourself and your significant other, is to end the relationship. Now this is where we run into trouble. Breaking up is never easy. Someone always loves someone more, misunderstandings come out into the open and cause pain, and generally someone gets hurt in the end. How can we avoid this? Well, I’m not sure we can. Hopefully, if you care about the person you’re breaking up with, then you’ll treat her with respect and be considerate of their feelings as you go through this difficult process. I don’t think the problem is that people aren’t committed to their relationships, but that they are inconsiderate and immature when it comes time to end the relationship.

The other source of the problem may stem from the nature of the beginning of the relationship. If we want to generalize, there are three basic types of relationships that I can think of: serious relationships, casual relationships, and purely physical relationships. I have no problem with any of these, as long both people in the relationship are clear on what the other person wants. If one person wants a casual relationship, but the other person wants a serious relationship, there will be problems. I think we owe it to each other, and to ourselves, to be completely honest when entering a relationship. There’s no way to know if a relationship will work out in the long run, but it won’t even have a chance unless both people are on the same wavelength from the beginning. You seem to be suggesting we should choose our partners carefully. While this is important, you can only know so much about someone before you begin to date them. I think it is more important that we are honest and open with whomever we choose.

Dear Ms. Emotion,

How many of your submissions are real?

-Anonymous

Ms. Emotion: Dear Doubtful, all of our submissions are real, and even if they weren't, do you think we’d tell you?

Dr. Do It: Just chill for a second, Ms. Emotion. I think I understand why you ask this question, Anon. I am pretty sure that many of those columns in other publications use made-up questions and experiences. When we decided to write this column we wanted to make sure we did not contrive questions, even to start the column out. So for the first column at least we asked people we knew about any interesting questions about topics or events in their life that they wondered about. So from those questions they had we generated our first column. The subsequent columns have come from reader questions like yours. In the future we may also take a question and expound upon it in detail if it seems to warrant more attention. In future columns, we may also talk about other interesting (and maybe even a bit spicy) topics at length. Submit questions to the column at <advice@the-tech.mit.edu>.