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Friendships for Sale

Satwiksai J Seshasai

I've decided: I'm going public.

I know it's a little early to issue shares on my own behalf. After all, my balance sheet hardly seems to warrant it, at this stage anyway. But I feel many among the public are ready to hear what plans I have for strategic growth and earning opportunities. Satwik, Inc., is a company with potential.

Now, I'm sure you have many questions about my proposed endeavor. Why the hell are you going public? Why name the company "Satwik, Inc." instead of "Satwiksai, Inc."? Why would The Tech choose to run such an irrelevant and pointless column? Is the paper celebrating the end of Seinfeld on May 14? And what can you do to get in on the ground floor of this auspicious opportunity?

Well, in the few inches Ihave been given, Iwill attempt to answer these questions and hope that I attract you, a future wealthy graduate of MIT, to my venture.

The idea of going public has been brewing in my mind ever since it was suggested by a graduate student friend of mine, who studies public life as a Course XVII slave. The constant stream of compliments about my various attributes, from many people, has led me to believe that going public would be a very wise decision. And frankly, what does going public give me? Money. Igo to MIT. My father is a well-built Indian man, not a skinny geek who hides out in Redmond, Washington. Tuition bills must be paid.

As for the company name, as much as Ilove my full name, people just don't seem to be able to handle it. The trauma Iexperienced in elementary school will not be repeated as Imake my way to Wall Street. To compensate, my New York Stock Exchange symbol shall be SAI.

Why has The Tech allowed me to use their much sought-after Opinion pages to announce my plans? Why would they give me the free advertising for my offer? You may feel it makes as much sense as randomly placing a "J" in the middle of my name, and you are probably right.

By now, you must be dying to know how you can get in on this ground floor opportunity. Well, Satwik, Inc. is currently in the process of recruiting new employees. The multi-talented business staff at The Tech led me to consider placing an ad somewhere among the following pages. But funds are low. If you, however, are interested in joining Satwik, Inc. there may be a place for you. We need a theme song. If you have a suggestion, please get to a QuickStation and e-mail satwik@mit.edu now. Anyone who watches the love of my life, Ally Mc Beal, grace the courtrooms of Boston every Monday evening will understand this. After following her therapist's suggestion and finding a theme song, Ally was a much more energetic lady. Satwik, Inc. needs energy. We are the young and the restless.

OK. We have a motive. We have a name. We even have a NYSE symbol. Soon, we shall have a theme song. What remains? A product! Now, at this point you may be saying, Satwik, Inc. is so promising that it need not offer a product. But not all investors read The Tech. Hmm a product what would Cosmo Kramer come up with? Something everyone wants. Something everyone needs. Something Satwik, Inc. has to offer: Friendship.

Friendship can be produced at a very low cost, and in quite an efficient manner. The world will never have enough friendship. Satwik, Inc. can act as a friendship brokerage, so to speak, allowing customers to exchange friendships with each other. Ah, if only we had gone public in the 80's, we could have cashed in on the friendship bracelet market. But it is never too late. After all, we are the young and the restless.

The only question is, who should be in charge of the public offering? I'm thinking Bear Stearns, because I like bears, but I don't want to make it seem like I'm "bearish" on my own company. And what price shall shares IPO at? Possibly $100,000 per share - that would put me in the arrogance sweepstakes alongside Warren Buffet, where I belong.

Click to your online broker today: I'm about to go public.