Gaggle cops tech's 112th Managing Board
Special to The Tech
The Gaggle has again emerged from the depths of the Institute to report on the elections of The Tech's volume 112 Managing Board.
To the odd strains of the "Zydeco Gumby Ya-Ya," a hit selection on his favorite CD, Josh "Batman & Robin Underoos" Hartmann '93 danced through his election to Chairman for volume 112. He has already announced subversive plans over the Tech intercom system to force the rest of the known universe to listen to songs related to the plasticine pain-in-the-ass character.
Jeremy "Over The" Hylton '94 was elected to the position of Managing Editor largely on the basis of his supposedly anti-Gumby stance. Freudian scholars, however, have analyzed Hylton's future plans to spend a term in pastorally green Ireland and believe that his desire to visit the Emerald Isle is secretly Gumby-rooted. Despite his goofy tie, the voters seemed to think he would be fairly adept at the position.
When the positions of Knight Editors came up for election, David "Call Them Yourself" Maltz '93 and Daniel "Studly" Sidney G were placed on the sacrificial altar of all-nighters and yelling at late departments, and the Gods of Web accepted the sacrifice greedily. They gladly rode off together into the sunset on Pokey's back.
In a burst of fire, the twin wonder duo of Matthew "Photographer for Rent" Hersch '94 and Bill "Resigning Any Day Now" Jackson '93 began to chant their mantra of opinion in the hopes of becoming one with the known flaming universe. Hersch's ultra-right-wing but guru-like tactics managed to push him through as Opinion Editor, and Jackson was elected to the same position mostly out of pity, because the board knew that he had been subjected to many Vegas-style lounge acts in the preceding weeks.
Joanna "I am lame, therefore I am" Stone '92 dragged her body before the board to discuss her plans for the Tech arts pages in the upcoming year. After surviving an intense grilling by a ridiculous board member who continues to bow before a monarchical despot, she recovered quite nicely. Stone breezed to victory as Arts Editor, and the entire affair rated only a .45 on Stone's self-styled logarithmic scale of overt lameness. The rating was buoyed because it was the second election in a row which had managed to avoid mentioning a certain Saturday morning clay character.
Suddenly there was a shock: A grand canyon of disinterest existed when it came to Sports Editor, but suddenly the Gumby Man himself spoke up and nominated the disheveled Dave "Who, Me?" Watt. Dazed and confused from the suddenness of the attack, Watt was pushed before the board, where he mumbled a few answers to questions and was elected before he knew what hit him. Dave is recovering nicely in a local non-educational institution.
Brian "Not Bad" Rosenberg '93, running on the shatter-the-damn-Gumby-CD-and-dissolve-it-in-fixer-and-make-Robin-drink-it ticket, peppered his speech with "damn fine"s, "not bad"s, "not clear"s and wore an obscene T-shirt. Despite all of this, he somehow managed to become Editor-in-Chief of The Tech. Armed with a fire extinguisher and a hammer, he hopes to survive his term without having a resignation demanded of him.
For the coveted prize of Executive Editor, Karen "LA Law" Kaplan '93 stood before the assembled masses and promised to give up soap-opera-lawyer TV shows for the good of the organization. Proudly explaining her enjoyment of ice cream and willingness to stand up for the much-analyzed opinion department, she was swept forward to victory faster than you can say "Bend me stretch me any way you want me."
The assembled masses next listened to Reuven "The Comma Terminator" Lerner '92. In between discussions of how his bad personal habits can cause throat blockage, the anti-Gumby Lerner said he would enjoy being a News Editor. Next, the board inserted their ear plugs for the combined sonic attack of Katherine "100 Decibels" Shim '93 and Joey "Ear Bleed" Marquez '94 as they each mouthed their speeches to the board. Expert lip readers claim that both of them were excellent speakers. Shim and Marquez were elected without incident; Lerner was elected as well, but his resignation was immediately called for by several random people around campus.
The assembly then made a pity stop at the Old Folks Home to elect an Advisory Board. V. Michael "Yes, I Really Am A Professor" Bove '83, Bill "Heinous" Coderre '85, Jon "Who The Hell Is This JvZ Guy?" von Zelowitz '81, Robert E. "Founding Father" Malchman '85, and Jonathan "F. Lee Bailey" Richmond PhD '91 were all elected to this fine board, and the voters agreed to buy each of them a "Lifecall" system with a direct connection to the office, in case they should fall and not be able to get up.
In a bizarre and disgusting twist as the election dragged into the night, the election of Business Manager made the Thomas hearings look tame. The board discussed various sexual positions, some of which would make even stretchable Gumby blush, until a collective climax produced the election of Jadene "Ten Percent Off" Burgess '93. The channeled spirits of bizmen past looked on as Burgess rushed immediately to the business office to begin calculating future person-to-chair ratios.
The seemingly infinite number of Contributing Editors then came up for election. Mike "Have Pen Will Travel" Franklin '88 claimed he will save as much as he spends in the future. Marie "Strawberry Shortcake" Coppola '90 and Debby "Mistress of Angles" Levinson '91 were elected by promising to both stay on the same side of all males in the office. Ben "The Boy From the County" Tao '93 and Sam "Let Me Diagram These Positions For You" Chen '92 won their slots easily.
Mark "I'm Here In Spirit" Hazeltine '92 and Lois E. "You Can Put Me On Your Coop Card" Eaton '92 combined their seasoned business office skills to catch on as contribeds as well. The photography department was well represented by Dooooooog "Second!" Keller '93 and Vipul "Checkmate" Bhushan G with their respective elections.
After waiting too damn long, Haider "Ala Mode" Hamoudi '93 woke up from an election-induced doze to discuss his plans if elected Advertising Manager, promising that The Tech will retain ownership of the Prudential Building. The board overwhelmingly approved him, and Chairman Eaton slammed her phone-handset gavel down one minute shy of an eight-hour meeting.
The group retired to the Royal East, where some made quite a splash, and the volume 112 board wallowed in their sorrows for being foolish enough to take on their various jobs. Returning to the office, the newly-elected Rosenberg opened the door and walked in to get his bag. He didn't bother to turn on the lights. Suddenly he heard a squish and a muffled scream. Flipping the light switch, he looked around and could see no one. After a couple of steps, he felt something sticky on the sole of his shoe. He lifted his foot and saw a green plasticine splotch. He quickly scraped it off and bolted from the office immediately, leaving a depressed clay horse, but many happy board members, behind him.