Secret memo revealed
(Editor's Note: The Tech received a transcript of the following transmission, which was intercepted and decoded by several hairy graduate students beneath 26-100.)
From:Z_Chairman, National Security Council
To:Z_Bureau Chief, Department of Dirty Tricks, Central Intelligence Agency
cc:Z_Head Sneak, National Security Agency
Z_Director, United States Information Agency
Z_Chairman, Joint Chiefs of Staff
Z_All "sales representatives" of the Ace Tomato Company
Z_MIT Associate Dean For Student Affairs James R. Tewhey
Subject:Z_New World Order Policy Directive #17832
Due to rapidly emerging global trends, several sub-sections of New World Order Policy Directives #17830 and #17831 are no longer valid. Specifically, renewed fighting between Kurds and Iraqi troops, the ouster of Haitian President Jean-Bertrand Aristide by a military coup and US-Soviet nuclear arms reductions have warranted changes in inter-bureau operation.
Active immediately, democracy as used in internal memos will no longer be defined as "any government that likes us" or "any government which was constitutionally elected but clubs voters." Revelations that President Aristide had a notorious human rights record have provided Uncle George's administration with embarrassment, specifically since Uncle George came out in overwhelming support of Aristide after his ouster.
Operatives in all agencies should only engage in fostering peace and democracy in the world if they can win. Uncle George doesn't like a messy planet though, so remember, stability matters above all else.
The following phrases should be excised from all external documents:
Tactical Nuclear Weapons [cw0](No tears now, it's not as if we can't make more if we need them, and Fuel Air Explosives work just as well.)
All good intelligence news from field agents should be routed directly to the nearest USIA field office for indiscriminate leaking. All bad news should be routed to Robert M. Gates for conversion to good news and indiscriminate leaking.
When in doubt, blame the press.
White House Chief of Staff John Sununu is no longer permitted to commute to the White House in the B-2 bombers, as excessive use has already caused the aircraft to suffer metal fatigue. National Security Council inquiries have also determined that Sununu's radar signature is large enough to compromise the stealth nature of the aircraft, and may have been responsible for the B-2's recent radar evasion test failures.
Uncle George and Gorby's nuclear weapons reduction contest is getting close. George really has his eye on the two-week, all-expenses-paid trip to the Crimea, and thinks he can pull his score up despite Gorby's strategic weapons cuts. Dick Cheney is running this week's weapons reduction pool, so he's got the score sheet and you can make your checks out to him. Remember, folks, the betting is only for Republicans, so don't let Ted Kennedy find out.
This week's catch phrase is, "Fostering stability and democracy in Latin America is prudent." The phrase "Clarence Thomas is an everyman for the 90s" should be stricken from all GSA records.
Today's nuclear action code word is "pumpernickel." Don't tell it to Quayle. This sheet of paper will spontaneously combust in 10 seconds.
Matthew H. Hersch, a sophomore in the Department of Physics, is an opinion editor of The Tech.