The Tech - Online EditionMIT's oldest and largest
newspaper & the first
newspaper published
on the web
Boston Weather: 57.0°F | Overcast

Gaggle cops 111th Managing Board of The Tech

Special to The Tech

A battle of biblical proportions loomed over The Tech office as Managing Board elections for its 111th volume neared Saturday afternoon. The post-cold-war libertarians prepared for the forces of socialist darkness, led by outgoing Chairman Deborah A. "Folklore and Mythology" Levinson '91, by attempting unsuccessfully to arouse their leader, lame-duck Tech Editor in Chief Prabhat "Supply-(Me)-Side" Mehta '91, from his weekend hibernation ritual.

Mehta's absence frightened his only other libertarian comrade-in-arms, Matthew H. "We need

a virgin for this -- where's" Hersch '94, to seek asylum in Singapore, where he was welcomed as an honorary citizen by the nation's prime minister.

The cataclysmic war of 10,000 years thus avoided, elections began with the not-so-prompt ascension of New England's own Lois "KAT" Eaton '92 to the position of chairman. Though a veteran of The Tech's capitalist enclave, the business office, Eaton joined Levinson in the proud working woman's struggle to remove the last remnants of The Tech's sexist, male-dominated heritage. When asked about her title in an interview later, Eaton said, "Being chairman is great!"

Senior Andrea "Mom always wanted me to marry a doctor" Lamberti was officially persecuted as one of the few remaining capitalist, imperialist sympathizers in Mehta's and Hersch's absence. Her sentence: a one-term stint as editor in chief. Later, to unfriendly ears, she was heard saying, "Hail the heroes of the revolution -- and all that crap."

The evil forces of George Bush elsewhere occupied, the board was able to move troops in quickly to capture David "Rocky Mountain" Maltz '93, the only non-aligned human in the near vicinity, and milk him of his of his precious prod skills. In a press release yesterday, Chairman Levinson proudly decreed, "Maltz shall now go by the name Managing Editor."

Levinson remained confused over the need for a business manager -- that is until outgoing Business Manager Russell "Flavo-O-Ice, anyone?" Wilcox '91 whispered to the ever-so-glorious chairman, "An Audi and Levis jeans for the chairman." Then, with resounding force, Levinson banged the gavel and announced the election of Mark E. "Tarzan" Haseltine '92 to the position of business manager. Haseltine was spotted last night heading for Levinson's humble residence with a fur coat under his arm.

Joanna "Cake 'n Steak" Stone '92, a veteran of The Washington Post's left-liberal editorial pages, promised the board she would return to The Post next year and assassinate columnist George F. Will. For this, she was rewarded with the executive editor position, the purpose of which is to aid in the persecution of Lamberti. "I'm sorry, I didn't upset you, did I?" was Stone's only comment.

The Executive Board positions thus filled, Chairman Levinson proceeded to the election of the Managing Board's toadies. The news department, renamed by Levinson as the propaganda ministry, was stocked with four upwardly mobile Party stalwarts.

Reuven M. "Are chocolate-covered espresso beans kosher?" Lerner '92, Brian "Never Too Young" Rosenberg '93, Katherine "No Relation to Niraj" Shim '93 and Karen "Stanley" Kaplan '93 each seemed pleased with the promotion to news editor, except for Lerner, who has held the position for the past year. In a rage, Lerner reportedly left for Israel last night, where he and Jonathan "Forever Man" Richmond G plan to manifest their anger over the board's disrespect by converting all of the nation's 277 kibbutzim to capitalism.

Rosenberg said that in return for the board's favor, he will bring in youngsters like Jeremy "Vietnam" Hylton '94 for a good dose of Das Kapital. Shim said, well, murmured, something about collective newswriting and abolishing the self-congratulatory byline, at which point The Tech's newswriters celebrated by throwing away their pens and reporter's notebooks. Kaplan, who has served The Tech faithfully as a UA infiltrator, said she planned to get close enough to current President Manish Bapna '91 to find out where he gets his hair cut. Stay tuned.

Outgoing Managing Editor Daniel A. "Worthless Sperm" Sidney G decided to step down from the Executive Board to join the people in their nocturnal struggle against the powers that be. Sidney sought the position of night editor, hoping to eventually be dubbed knight editor. The board welcomed his grass-roots enthusiasm, but did not feel the same for Kevin's "Kevin Frisch '93" Kitchen, who two weeks earlier had asked Mehta the wrong question: "What is libertarianism?" For his impudence, he was exiled to an unspecified location.

For Levinson, it was a tearful election to arts editor. "I'll miss my chairman's chair," she said. "But," remaining true to her folklore and mythology status, she added poetically, "I'm weak and I'm weary/And fain would lie down." Leaving the chairman's chair will not likely prove too difficult for Levinson, though, for she will benefit from the newly established Andrew L. "Fried" Fish '89 Memorial Caveat: "I remain in total control!"

The position of photography editor saw the return of two seasoned Party loyalists, Sean "Up

a Tree, Without a Paddle" Dougherty '93 and Douglas D. "Golden Monkey" Keller '93.

Dougherty last year impressed the Party's leadership after being arrested at an anti-apartheid rally. Though at the time he was quoted as telling the police, "I was just trying to get a shot of the squirrels," he has since claimed he was positioning himself for an attempt on the life

of former Tech staffer and then MIT President Paul E. "No Neck" Gray '54. Meanwhile, Keller, an Ohio native, amused Levinson and other top brass by cheerfully providing anecdotes from his utterly pathetic Midwestern childhood.

But then, like the winds of change blowing over Eastern Europe, Mehta, fully awake and with most of his faculties intact, stormed into The Tech office, bringing in emergency supplies of flamage. For this, he was awarded the position of opinion editor, though not without some tumultuous last minute inner-Party debate.

Levinson was outraged by Mehta's presence, and threatened war. In her haste to mobilize, she went as far as to consider recruiting the smelly, hairy beasts rumored to be lurking in the nearby Technology Community Association office.

But the idea of supplementing The Tech's burgeoning roach population with dirty leftists was enough to convince the board to reach a compromise: The libertarian Mehta would be elected, but only if offset by the mindless drivel of columnist Bill "Catholic Pagan" Jackson '93, who would also be elevated to the dubious status of opinion editor.

Mehta pushed for further reforms, however, strengthening the business office with the election of Ben "Roaches, mmmm" Tao '93 as advertising manager. Tao immediately took to the task of increasing The Tech's cash flow by soliciting ads from The Tech itself, thus following to the letter Mehta's supply-side theory that money can indeed come from nowhere.

Richmond, grossly abused by the socialist camp and now fully converted to the libertarian side, was given the honorary title of senior editor. Richmond thanked Mehta for his support and his morally superior ideas, to which Mehta responded: "There's a price to all this, you know."

Joining Richmond in the pasture of living dead will be newly elected contributing editors Peter E. "Finally, I'm" Dunn G, Michael J. "Love Me for My Pen" Franklin '88, Wilcox, and Dave "120" Watt G. Actually, only Dunn is officially being put out to pasture. Franklin and Watt plan to use The Tech as a backdrop for a new two-cop action flick in which Franklin plays a rough, unkempt renegade and Watt portrays a well-groomed, by-the-book man of the world. Critics have already written off the two roles as typecasts.

Marie E. V. "(Unrelated to) Francis Ford" Coppola '90 plans to come out from retirement to play Franklin and Watt's autocratic, hard-nosed commanding officer. Critics say this will be

an interesting and unusual role for Coppola, but her Managing Board colleagues saw otherwise. Mumbling something to effect of "Oh, no, not again . . ." Coppola also took on the position of Tech production manager.

Elections having been concluded in peace, The Tech staff then headed off to Royal East for a grand celebration. But soon after the festivities began, several board members spotted Mehta's figure dashing out the back door. The next day, a nervously pacing Lamberti picked up the phone

to hear a vibrant voice coming from a Mercedes Benz convertible speeding down Interstate 5 toward LA.

"So much to learn! So little time to do it! What shall we do without you?" Lamberti asked.

"Not to fear, my dear, the market will take care of everything," Mehta responded, as the faint sounds of an Association tape crescendoed, flooding Lamberti's receiver with gentle sounds and reminding her of the sunny skies of Southern California.

Mehta donned a pair of sunglasses, sank back, and let the breeze blow through his hair. "Enjoy," he added, and then hung up.