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Fo... the Shorties Dear MIT hackers

By Chris C’abral, Wang Lei,
and Nikhil Shenoy

Dear MIT Hackers,

Thank you for providing MIT with culture and rampant trichinosis (a disease transmitted by bare feet). We need your services to spice up our lives, because we are uncreative ham-bone frat guys, feminist sorority babes, and normal/boring west-campus students who are too busy copying your problem sets to come up with all those clever, ingenious little “hacks” of yours.

The days of police cars on the dome and pigeons in Harvard Stadium have been replaced by a sinking boat — literally and figuratively. We believe in you, and we want something spectacular. You East Campus freaks need to understand that dying your hair, building water rides, or smelling like Big Foot’s crotch, are not as important as entertaining us. So put down that seven foot unicycle you’re making and indulge us.

Hackers: don’t take this the wrong way, we know you really live all over campus and not just at EC, but blanket generalizations, false assumptions, and illogical extrapolation are what make this Red country great.

Let’s get down to business.

Could you change the amount of time in a day or make the sky green? I personally don’t know how to do this because I got a C in 8.033, but I know that professor Max Tegmark said in class it was definitely possible.

How about a hack where you build an undergrad dorm with thousands of little windows and call it art? Better yet, go into a frat house and pretend to be college kids, then at the right moment reveal yourselves as undercover cops. (Aren’t there other crimes going on in Boston besides underaged drinking, such as gouging of college students for tuition and serving of toxic waste in the student center?) Dre said, “f‑‑k the police,” not us, but we don’t completely disagree.

We’ve heard rumors that the reason for the long awesome-hack hiatus is because you have been planning a ridiculously sick hack, targeting Boston frat guys, that would completely and utterly destroy our hopes of going to class.

But even if you did somehow pull off some ingenious hack just to get back at us upstanding Boston frat guys for making fun of you guys all the time, it wouldn’t be original. We heard from a reliable source that Susan Hockfield is directly responsible for the daily, heartless torture known as Daytime Saferide. Good thing she doesn’t read The Tech.

(If per chance you are reading this, Susan, don’t take it the wrong way. Also, thought we’d let you know, we love your new energy initiative.)

We know we’ve given you EC guys a lot of grief, but are we frat guys really that different? We watch “24” (according to www.thefacebook.com, Jack Bauer lives in East Campus, and also Really Hates Kim Bauer!). We like playing 8–bit Nintendo too. When we were eight years old, we all watched the same episodes of “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” and wanted to bang Kelly Kapowski (skeet skeet skeet).

Like we always say, “in the final analysis, our most basic common link is that we all inhabit this small planet, we all breathe the same air, we all cherish our children’s futures, and we are all mortal.” We can’t remember if we said this or if it was the former United States President, the last great liberal, and our homeboy, JFK. But I’m pretty sure it was us. JFK was unavailable for comment.

In conclusion, we implore you to give us something to talk about. Something grand. Something inspirational. This is a call for a hack to own all hacks.

Regards,

Wang (soyegg@mit.edu), Chris (vcabral@mit.edu), and Nikhil (nshenoy@mit.edu)