Fo... the Shorties Fighting
By Victor Cabral
nd Nikhil Shenoy
Beer is great. In fact, our favorite type is “JBeer.” But there are some downsides associated with consuming libations, or so we’ve heard. Somewhere between five and ten beers, or two JBeers, dance juice becomes fight juice for men everywhere. College guys, too. Now, we’re not suggesting that you get into drunken brawls, we wouldn’t want something like that in writing; but we really do fully endorse fighting, maybe. However, if you do happen to step on someone’s kicks at a frat party, there are some general guidelines to follow. Why only guidelines and not hard rules? Because rules are for women and cheaters.
Fighting in a frat is tricky business. Frat guys tend to be cliquey, and when one of their own is in duress, they all feel the need to converge on the purveyor of said duress. Translation: you will get yo’ ass beat if you pick a fight with anyone in a frat. If you have to get into a fight at all, we would highly recommend bar fights, if we were going to recommend fighting, but we’re not, really.
There is a gentle balance, almost an art, to choosing who and when to fight at a bar. The two main variables are 1) not breaking your beautiful nose and 2) not coming off as a bully. These two competing factors are exactly what the ladies don’t want to see: no one wants to go home with a bloody nosed loser or with a bully. Of course, here we assume the goal of everything you do is to get women, and this is a good assumption. Just ask Bryan Adams.
Question: why does the rest of the world hate America? They hate us because we pick fights with countries the size of Iowa that end in “istan” and brutally kick their asses, and then talk about it ad nauseum as “victory.” Optimally, you want to pick a fight with someone who looks bigger but isn’t, like America taking on all of Europe, Australia, West Virginia, and the Middle East. Guideline: never fight anyone smaller than you. Anyone with a semblance of a brain can understand this concept. And for you course 14 and 15 guys, think about it this way: if you lose to a smaller opponent, that’s just sad, and if you win, well, you were supposed to win. Your expected value of fighting little people is thus negative, so another (really the same) guideline: go big, or go home. Unless you’re tossing midgets, which is jolly good sport.
Now, you’ve picked out the perfect opponent: he’s bigger, not necessarily badder, necessarily drunker, and unnecessarily willing to fight. Remember the one golden rule: go for the face. It’s not about who wins, it’s about who looks like the winner the next day. No doubt, it would make you feel better if your opponent is pissing blood, but no one except his gynecologist would know that. Note how we righteously call this dude a chick because he lost a fight to someone smaller than him.
In the same vein, protect your face with extreme prejudice. If you go home with a black eye, you will be going home alone with a black eye. We wish we came up with this rule, but it’s straight from The A**hole’s Guide to Handling Chicks, which would be required reading if MIT offered a course on living life.
In their hit single “Bye Bye Bye,” one of the N*Sync guys croons “I’m doin’ this tonight, you’re probably gonna start a fight, I know this can’t be right, hey baby come o-on.” Clearly, he’s addressing the vicious battle of ultimate destiny in which he and his boyfriend are about to engage. The song goes on to talk about other stuff like lies, insanity, and deep depression, but the overarching question is: just what was he doing this night, that would probably start a fight? The point here is that you don’t need a reason to fight. In fact, fighting isn’t cool: winning fights is cool.
Michael Jackson was the absolute King of cool and dance fights. The man is a living hate crime. The music video for “Beat It” still gets regular play on VH1 because it showcases Mike’s ability to bridge the gap between dangerous gang members and <Insert Target Race> gang members. Notice this can’t be construed as racism, because racism is only okay in small groups of close friends.
In conclusion: fight, fight big, and most importantly, fight to win and entertain. And if you want to know more about cool and entertaining, pick a fight with firstname.lastname@example.org and email@example.com.