Fo... the ShortiesThe Obligatory Facebook Article
By Chris Cabral and Nikhil Shenoy
Since the advent of the Internet, the Web has proven itself valuable for legally sharing media, talking to friends, and most importantly downloading enough porn in minutes to last us, well, at least one session. The Facebook, however, initiated a paradigm shift in modern Internet use. (On a side note, everyone should use the word “paradigm” more. No one knows what it means, so you can get away with almost anything. For example: I could really use a paradigm sandwich right now. Wow, look at the paradigm on her. If I found 20 cents, I would paradigm all over myself.)
Facebook was an intricately woven sociological web more complex and beautiful than Bone-Thug-N-Harmony’s 1996 smash hit “Crossroads.” I was under the impression that Facebook was intended only for the elite colleges in the United States when I joined last year. Now anyone can join, be he from Misericordia, Walla Walla, or some place called “NYU.”
What was once a better than Friendster and MySpace because of its elitism and arrogance has lost its luster. Alas, just like anything good (cars, airplanes, food, education, peace, health care, and voting rights), Facebook has fallen from grace into the hands of the plebeians. The upshot is that as Facebook’s reach has grown, so has our ability to stalk (commonly referred to as “Facebooking”) random BU, Wellesley, Simmons, and, occasionally, MIT girls. Before Facebook, the only way to adequately stalk a woman was to stand outside her window and leave weird presents around, Boo Radley style.
Many rookie Facebook Stalkers assume Facebooking someone involves looking someone up on Facebook, then poking, messaging, AIM-ing, e-mailing, or God forbid, calling the target before actually engaging them in person. You’ve got it all wrong, my man.
The first step was correct … however, you forgot that there’s a reason why Facebook lists all the classes someone is taking. The move here is to look up the course number in the catalogue and narrow down which rooms they’re in and figure out what times they’ll be there. Then, nonchalantly slink around the vicinity of your target’s whereabouts with a mocha latte in hand (to make you look sophisticated).
Once you casually and coincidentally (i.e. romantically) bump into her, you should shift conversation towards “When Harry Met Sally,” because, assuming you’ve done your research, you already know that’s her favorite movie. She’ll totally melt when she finds out that you too enjoy Savage Garden and Coldplay. If she’s a freshman or Course 15 and can’t put two and two together, try working one of her favorite quotes into the conversation.
If she’s premed, ask to borrow one of her colored pencils and brag about how much you enjoy little kids —- she’ll be eating out of your hand in no time. The key for this encounter is to have as much in common as possible, such as the fact that you both “Went To Public School … Bitch.”
After the chance encounter, you must add her as a friend and adapt accordingly. Constantly update your profile so whenever she checks her “Recently Updated” friends, you’re always on the page and therefore always on her mind. When you update, change one thing at a time to match her profile, piquing her interest without revealing your dirty stalker secrets. If it seems like she’s getting away, hit her with a “Beautiful Truck,” and BAM — you’re back in the game, buddy.
Ladies: how do you combat Facebook Stalking? You can’t, because it’s going to replace real dating in the foreseeable future. If you actually want to land a guy, note that there are several things that won’t work: your interests, hobbies, and pretty much anything else that can be expressed in text is completely and utterly irrelevant. Guys respond to visuals. Either post a really ugly picture of yourself with really hot friends (so when he invites you over to get to your friends, you surprise him with your relative tappability), or post a really hot picture of yourself (friends optional), for obvious reasons.
You know, I’ve realized something: no matter who you are, you’re not as attractive as your picture. It would be too much to write about both guys’ and girls’ pictures, so we flipped a coin and decided to focus on women. Chance, it seems, is not without a sense of humor. On with the analysis!
If a female posts a picture of herself from far away, she’s got to have an ugly face. If she posts a picture of just her face, she’s got a bloated personality, and a body to match. I’ve plotted the true attractiveness of a woman (“Talent”) versus how far away her Facebook picture was taken (“X”):
“Me hungry. Me want organic carrot juice. Jabba no botha.”
But on to bigger and better things … Why settle for stalking your classmates when you can Facebook celebrities? In fact, Amanda Blair of UVA, who centerfolded as “Amanda Paige” in the October issue of Playboy, is my Facebook friend, pending approval. I suggest that everyone who saw that issue Facebook friend her because you’ve seen her naked, ergo you are friends. You can also Facebook the likes of Vince Young, Nikhil Shenoy (email@example.com), and Chris Cabral (firstname.lastname@example.org). You should add us as Facebook friends because we’ll confirm you assuming your picture is paradigm. Vince is kind of busy right now, but once the season is over, I’m sure he too will confirm your considerate invitation and maybe even poke you!
In addition to stalking, another confirmation type is the Group. Make sure you belong to Facebook Groups that really describe who you are, because you’re constantly being judged. Take for example, “Campus Crusade for Christ.” Joining this group implies you ride around on horses all day and mindlessly kill infidels in the name of some carpenter you’ve never met. If you could join “Campus Jihad for Mohammed,” it would similarly imply you’re promoting a tolerant mission of peace and sanctity. Of course, people in either or both of these groups are genuinely good people and can take a joke.
Recently, Facebook has added a feature that not only allows you to put up any pictures you desire, but also “tag” them to show who is in the picture and where they are in the picture. There are so many people out there who I would like to tag or would like to tag me, but haven’t had the opportunity yet. I don’t know where I was going with this, but it seemed like it had potential to be awesome. Then again, so did this article.