Lobdell? More Like Dog Hell
By Nikhil Shenoy and Chris Cabral
So what should you have in an almost decent college food court? Everything starts with the sandwich place: custom sandwiches ranging from chicken parmesan to roast beef or turkey as you like it.
Then there’s the obligatory Italian joint that serves pasta and pizza to your heart’s content. The pasta is also customizable with a daily rotation of meatballs, lasagna, veggies, red sauce, white sauce, and sausages.
A fast food option is also necessary for that greasy fix. McDonald’s, Wendy’s, Roy Rogers are all fine options, but if you want the best, go for the King: Burger King. You might not want to serve the full menu, though, to keep things simple.
In addition to these, a cool idea would be a sushi bar where they make the sushi right in front of you and conveniently have some premade boxes ready for a quick pickup. Next to that, you might add in some Mexican place that serves taco salads, burritos, etc.
Obviously, you have to have the Fountain of Soda, where the sugar flows in such a way that it makes Stokes’ Law something less manly than Stokes’ Law (I’m a chemical/nuclear engineer, and I don’t really know what Stokes’ Law is, but I can almost guarantee I’ve broken it.).
This is an okay food court, but it wouldn’t be complete without a salad bar where you can unleash your creativity, with your hands safely operating behind a useless sneeze guard, and then get charged by weight. To top it off, the cash registers would be at the entrances, so you can leave quickly and not “accidentally” steal your food.
For those who aren’t morons or ’09s or probably both, the description above accurately depicts what Lobdell once was. To my dismay, when I returned to MIT after a fantastic summer making lots of money in New York City/scraping by making next to nothing at an MIT UROP, I was greeted by a gutted sweatshop with only three options.
I decided to do some research, but found it hard to stay long enough to actually eat the food because of the lousy canine stench and the incessant yelping in the background.
Option 1: The Italian Joint. This place sucks. They have pizza, but it’s worse than before. They also have pasta, which is also worse than before. And instead of a jolly Italian man, they have someone who is much worse than before. The mushy sludge they offer at this sorry excuse of a food place is illegal in nine countries and California.
Option 2: The Falafel Place. This place sucks. Not only do they not serve meat, but they show this terrible commercial selling their establishment. We get customer testimonials, food process behind-the-scenes, and sandwiches that look infinitely better than the ones they serve. Look, if we’re already in line at your place and are destined to eat one of your culinary abortions (thanks Family Guy!) anyway, please don’t lie to us on top of it.
The only redeeming quality of this place is the gorgeous Falafel Girl that was behind the counter the one time I walked into the new Lobdell before the dog stench took over. I don’t know if she’s there anymore or knows English, but if she is reading this, our e-mails are email@example.com and firstname.lastname@example.org.
Option 3: The Japanese Place. This place sucks. There are a few redeeming qualities, such as diversity: they offer Peking Poodle, Mandarin Mastiff, Kung Pow Chihuahua, Crispy Dalmatian and Broccoli, Cream of Some Young Chow, and General Gau’s Golden Retriever. As you can imagine all of these dishes smell like an Athena cluster after a Course 6 pset is due.
Aside from smelling like sweaty dog, the Japanese Joint serves a bevy of raw fish. Suspiciously enough, the same sushi can be had down in La Verde’s Market, safely refrigerated even, for the exact same price and expiration date. There’s an awesome sandwich place in La Verde’s too, and more than one crummy cash register.
So, they took away the salad bar and sandwich place. They also caused a soda drought and replaced it with bubble tea. A hint for those of you just dying to sue MIT for $10 million: Bubble Tea Is A Choking Hazard! Furthermore, you have to pay for everything at the register for each restaurant, making it compulsory to nonchalantly steal your food. For you ’09’s: If you pay for an Alpine smoothie, you’ve also paid for the markup due to my many stolen ones.
Inefficient. Privatized. Worse. Sounds like MIT hasn’t lost its touch in improving campus life. Eating at the new Lobdell is like playing Russian Roulette without any empty chambers.