By Sarah Buckley
Welcome to The Tech’s newest column, boys and girls. This isn’t your run–of–the–mill article on love advice or computer advice or azn cooking advice. No, this is more of a “Choose Your Own Adventure” piece. The main character is me, and you, dear readers, are the puppet masters.
I’m Sarah, a senior living at Random Hall, and I shower regularly. Also I’m Course 7, so technically I should have a lot of free time. The other day, for example, I was watching an old episode of “The Simpsons” where Homer becomes Mr. Burns’s prank monkey. Homer gets paid to do whatever outrageous thing Burns suggests, and I thought, What an awesome job! I do stupid things on a day to day basis for free. But wouldn’t it be marvelous to do them at the behest of others — to bring joy to the lives of Tech readers far and wide?
Thus was this column born. Think of it as a game of Truth or Dare, but without Truth. Because, let’s face it, the Truth would blow you completely sideways man. We can’t have our readers keeling over around campus, curled into fetal positions all twitching and drooling — clutching The Tech — with their minds reduced to howling voids of insanity. It just doesn’t say “quality journalism.” Plus, even though it may help Course 16ers “assume the position” for Unified, it’s murder on your self-respect.
So how about this: Your job is to dare me to do whatever, be it crazy, humiliating, hilarious, wacky, over the top, or downright nutty. I’ll take your suggestions, pick the most awesome, do them, and tell you about it (possibly with pictures) in this column sometime in the next few weeks. Think of the possibilities! No seriously, think of them, and then send them to me. I’ll do pretty much whatever. I’m shameless. Give it your best shot.
You’re probably wondering a few things at this point: who is this girl and why is she writing such an awesome column? All your concerns will be addressed in the following FAQ:
Wow, Sarah. This seems like a really gutsy thing to do. Aren’t you worried about your reputation?
My reputation is “the girl who ran full–speed into a wall because someone said they’d pay her five cents to do so.” Could things really go down from there?
So are you one of those people who’ll do anything if someone double–dog dares you?
Well, last week my friend dared me to drink 20 bottles of laxatives while wearing a butt plug … and I totally didn’t. After the Broken Glass ‘n’ Tabasco Fiasco of ’01, I’ve learned the value of caution when messing with one’s colon.
That’s messed up. Anyway, in all seriousness, what is the true motivation behind this column?
I’ll be honest with you: I’m only doing this because I think “Prank Monkey” will look really good on my resume.
I’m sure you’re all excited to start sending in your suggestions, but hold on a second — before you go crapping your pants with unrestrained glee (and I think we all know how embarrassing the old glee–in–the–shorts can be), bear in mind that I do have my limits. First, I have a boyfriend, and he’s one of those jealous types who won’t like it if you dare me to seduce Walter Lewin. So listen kids, nothing overly sexual. And second, I’m too young to go to jail and too broke to pay fines or medical bills. I won’t ride a motorcycle through the Infinite bowling people over GTA–style, I won’t liberate the plague-ridden rats held captive in the bio building, and I sure as hell won’t “Sport Death.”
Beyond that, the sky’s the limit. Go ahead, send whatever you can think of (I dare you) to firstname.lastname@example.org and put “Dare” as the subject line so I don’t automatically delete it. Together, we can bring my life to a whole new level of stupid.