It’s Halloween, The Funnest Party
By Chris Cabral and Nikhil Shenoy
I forget the exact origins of Halloween (not that I ever knew them), but I bet it’s rooted in the same ancient Pagan heresy that spawned Thanksgiving and Kwanzaa. The important thing is that Halloween gives us collegians an excuse to act like children, dress ridiculously, drink a lot, and eat too much candy. While this may sound like a normal Tuesday night to some of you, it’s a special day for most people.
Every girl loves the movie “Mean Girls.” It’s a fact. Every girl has a mean streak. In that movie, Cady (played by the incomparable Lindsay Lohan) states “Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.” Well, if it’s in the movie that all girls like, and Lindsay said it, it must be true.
Gone are the days when girls would dress like ghosts, ponies, and princesses. In college you have to be a slutty ghost, slutty pony, or a slutty princess. You can also pick from slutty devil, slutty angel, slutty cop, slutty nurse, slutty cat, slutty dog, slutty teacher, Wellesley student, slutty fish, slutty captain, slutty witch, slutty wizard, slutty cheerleader, slutty athlete, and everyone’s favorite, Paris Hilton. Paris Hilton would be a fun one to do, but good luck finding enough green paint and fluorescent contact lenses. Guys dress like sluts on Halloween too, but I choose to ignore them.
For socially awkward bad guessers, Halloween presents a unique challenge to tactfully figure out what everyone is trying to look like. It’s nearly impossible to differentiate between outfits when you couple blurred vision and the homogeneity of Skank. Every year without fail, I will have a conversation something like this:
Me: Wow, that — that’s an awesome bicycle costume.
Girl: What? I’m Britney Spears!
Me: But you, you look like a bicycle.
Girl: Whatever, where’s my roommate?
Me: You sh-should be a b-bicycle, because I’m L-Lance Armstrong and … Hey! Where’re you going?
So, here are some tips for picking out that perfect costume.
Rule #1: If you’re even remotely chubby, do not wear orange. Oompa Loompas are cute. So is candy corn. But everyone (everyone) will think you are a pumpkin. No, they won’t try to “carve” you, or make a delicious pie out of you. They will avoid you at all costs, or maybe hook up with you and never tell anyone about it. And if they do tell anyone, that story will be laden with the most amazing lies ever. Moral of the story: No orange unless you plan on going as a skinny pumpkin, which isn’t clever at all. So just don’t wear orange.
Every other girl is going to dress like a slut (note: this is politically correct due to paragraph #2 above). So what are you going to do about it? Nothing. That’s right — rule #2: Do not try to be different. Guys won’t notice, so why bother? Just take a minimalist approach to clothing.
Rule #3: Take lots of pictures, and send them to firstname.lastname@example.org and email@example.com.
Rule #4: Guys should dress like anything that has money or is really ripped. In fact, this should be extended to a year-round policy. Because really, how well has “being yourself” worked thus far? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
Finally, Rule #5: No matter what your costume inspiration is, don’t reveal it. Plagiarism is the redheaded stepchild of originality. Take that as you will.
So the countdown has begun. In a few weeks, leaves will turn orange and yellow, and digital cameras will blare in the twilight of November. Just remember you’re in college, so the next time Halloween will be even remotely this much fun is when you have kids. Gross.