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Card-Carrying, Pinko-Commie-Liberal Can’t Force Self to Hate John Roberts

Josh Levinger

In case you missed last week’s CSPAN-3 coverage of Judge Roberts’ nomination hearings, let me summarize them for you here:

Senator Specter (R-PA, Chairman): I’m a moderate Republican, and am slowly being edged out of my party. Will you respect the constitutional right to privacy that underlies the Roe v. Wade decision?

Judge Roberts: I’m cold, logical and calculating — a legal machine, devoid of any feeling, despite my all-American looks and picturesque family. If the words “right to privacy” aren’t in the Constitution, they’re dead to me.

Senator Durbin (D-IL): I’m running for president and have a big neck.

Judge Roberts: As that question regards issues that may come before the court, I don’t believe it would be proper for me to answer.

Senator Kennedy (D-MA): I’m an elder statesman, and still haunted by the ghost of Chappaquiddick. Will you defend the civil rights I fought for half a century ago?

Judge Roberts: I have no respect for the march of time, and the progress of human values. If slavery were still legal, that would be the precedent I would uphold.

Senator Feinstein (D-CA): As the only woman on this panel of old white windbags, will you answer my questions?

Judge Roberts: Not a chance.

Senator Brownback (R-KS): I’m also running for President. May I kiss you?

Judge Roberts: On the cheek only; the mouth would cross the line between adoration and Satanism.

Senator Hatch (R-UT): Will you answer my sycophantic questions?

Judge Roberts: With pleasure.

Senator Biden (D-DE): I’m also running for president. I also co-authored the Violence Against Women Act, which is unconstitutional. Do you feel that men and women deserve equal protection under the law?

Judge Roberts: I think women should be barefoot and pregnant, just as God intended.

Senator Graham (R-SC): I think we can all agree to that.

All, sans Feinstein: <laughter>

Now that the panel has adjourned, Roberts has returned to his squirming children and doting wife, and Bush has returned to ignoring the plight of the poor, Congress can get back to its tense partisan standoff, and the nation can return its attention to things that really matter, like football, Ren e Zellweger’s divorce, and missing blonde teenagers.

As a card-carrying pinko-Commie-Liberal, I’m supposed to hate Roberts. But try as I did, no matter how many hours of hearings I forced myself to sit through, I couldn’t. He’s got a calm, strong persona, without the craziness or malice of Robert Bork. Although a Harvard graduate, he is clearly an intellectual of the highest level. Anyone who puts his faith in 200-year-old words rather than human experience deserves the respect of this school.

In all seriousness, it looks like Roberts will be easily confirmed, and it was wise for the Democrats not to put up too strong of a fight. They showed enough resistance to show that they have a spine, but not enough to actually make a difference. They saved their right to filibuster for a truly divisive candidate, like the one that Bush will most likely nominate for the position vacated by O’Connor. To keep the gender ratio at a sensible 2/9, he will likely put forward a woman with real conservative credentials like Priscilla Owen, the Wicked Witch of Texas.

Will the circle be unbroken Lord, by and by?