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Sex and the SafeRide

How do you Measure Up?

By Alex Nelson

Features Columnist

Does size matter? I would like to offer the following argument: technically yes, but usually no. For a those in the population who are one standard deviation away from the mean penis size, there is little to worry about (don’t worry, that is roughly 68 percent of men). Those in the tails of the standard normal penis size distribution have their work cut out for them.

Many men have revealed their insecurities about penis size. There are even infomercials that prey on the fear. Guys seem scared to death that they might be smaller than average. Ever since that first team shower in the locker room after practice, boys began to compare. Apparently they “never dropped the soap,” but I do not believe a word of it. A boy wouldn’t be caught dead staring at his naked male friends, but what’s to stop him from catching a quick glimpse?

My suspicions were easily confirmed based rumors spread during high school. There was a boy in my school who had the nickname “Chode” and another boy who his friends liked to call “Anteater.” I wonder where these names came from? Honestly, I’d rather not know, so let’s turn the focus back to size.

For women, a small penis is hard to work with because frankly, it is hard to take seriously. Something so small as a cocktail wiener can hardly turn us on or make him look manly. But for us, a giant penis is just as bad. Dating a pornstar might get some women off mentally, but there isn’t much that he can do for a woman physically. A typical vagina is only five to seven inches deep when aroused, so you do the math.

In a Sex and the City episode, Samantha complains because she is dating a very well-endowed man after just “finishing” with a midget man. Carrie asks her, “Who are you? Goldicocks?” Men may be asking women the same question. But really, to us there is so much more to take into account than size alone. But what’s a man to do who finds himself in either of these extreme categories? Is all hope lost for a decent sex life? Men finding themselves with a size disadvantage may have additional obstacles to overcome in the bedroom. In the end, any man can still be a very satisfying lover if he learns to work around his handicap.

In general, size is not the sole determinate of success in the bedroom. What matters most is sexual energy, expertise, and creativity. Of course women will prefer something that is nice to look at and hold on to, but what we really need is a man who can treat us right. And I don't mean treat us to dinner and expensive presents (we can do that for ourselves). We desire a man who knows how to get the job done.

Quoting one of my friends and an old adage, “It's not what he has, but whether he knows how to use it or not.” The underlying issue is whether he has the skills.

A popular TV show of the late 90s, Singled Out on MTV, often danced around this issue. With Jenny McCarthy for a host, one could hardly expect anything more (or should I say less?). In one part of the show, contestants stand a number of spaces away from a contestant of the opposite sex and are allowed to move forward if their answers to questions match those of the target contestant. During one episode, male contestants were asked which is more important: the motion of the ocean or the size of the wave? Believe it or not, the woman picked the motion of the ocean.

A blonde bimbo’s preferences on an MTV show do not add much to my argument, however they do help to solidify a new notion that a man’s mentality in the bedroom is also important.

Women definitely do not come with a directions manual (guys all your experience with “man-gadgets” will not help you here). A man must be able to direct himself. Knowing what to do and how to do it is extremely important. Of course every woman is different, so men should not expect to move from one woman to the next without changing his style or technique (if he has it).

Something that might please us one week won’t do a thing the following week. Therefore, men must have multiple skills. They must be determined. They mustn’t give up. And most importantly they must have a goal in mind. This goal should be an obvious one.

In summary, we women will not judge you on size alone. Much more than that will be taken into consideration as we evaluate your performance. Of course we will compare you to everything we’ve had before and the things we hope to have in the near future (as in right now).