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Positive Sinking

Ostentatious and Delicious

By Akshay Patil
COLUMNIST

Since you seemed to enjoy the chewing gum item, here’s another item you might have fun with, especially for your women readers:

Nov 2003 issue of Prevention magazine reports, “men who like flora-spicy scents thought women wearing the fragrance looked 12 pounds lighter.” The test was run on 200 guys aged 12-61. Not all noses were fooled. Tailors weren’t and neither were women. The best replica of the experimental slenderizing fragrance? A mixture of Old Spice men’s cologne and floral shampoo.

Brought to us by researchers at Chicago’s Smell and Taste Treatment Research Foundation.

P.S.: Apparently pumpkin pie aroma makes men feel sexy and green apple fragrance controls appetite.

Pumpkin pie aroma makes men feel sexy? Well, ladies now you know what to do tonight as you party away All Hallow’s Eve -- ditch the costume and rub yourself with pumpkin pie. Guys dig it.

Now I know many of you are asking, “What exactly do you mean by ‘ditch the costume?’” And to you I say, “You heard me.” And then you ask, “So what are you, Mr. Not Sin King, doing for Halloween?” And to you, I say, “Driving out of state in a van full of girls.” And then you raise your eyebrows and ask, “Uhm, isn’t that a bit kinky?” And to you, I say, “Not really, it’s part of a carpool headed to Talbot House.” And you say, “Oh,” in a disappointed voice. And to you I say, “But maple syrup will be involved.”

Of course, you ladies may not be able to get your hands on pumpkin pie before the bewitching hour, so I encourage you to experiment with other types of pie such as pecan pie, apple pie, or rhubarb pie (What exactly is a rhubarb again? Does it make you randy, baby?).

But the major point here, men, is that cologne doesn’t make us look skinnier. Now I know it’s been a big craze recently for guys go to on the “cologne diet” despite FDA studies showing the negative effects of such behavior, but here is concrete proof that it just doesn’t work if you’re keen on impressing members of the opposite sex... or tailors. Them tailors are wily folk.

If you’re really keen on hitting on a tailor, you’re probably better off not ditching your costume, assuming it’s a well stitched piece of handiwork. But I digress.

The real issue at the heart of this study is a startling one indeed. One that shakes me to the very core of my very bones and then does a tango with my conscience while gettin’ down and dirty with my bad self and does its best to make my jaw drop. It’s the kind of issue that finds you awake late at night staring at the ceiling trying to reconcile ideas as different as elephants and mountain climbers: What kind of fruit is Squeeze talking about when they sing “Tempted?”

You know, “Tempted by the fruit of another/Tempted but the truth is discovered.” Squeeze (being the avid horticulturists that they are) is obviously not referring to pumpkins since they are in fact vegetables (pumpkins, not Squeeze -- though this is a disputed fact). Are they then referring to apples? Maybe they’re talking about oranges... I’ve always been partial to oranges. Or perhaps it’s actually mangos... Yeah, I think I could be tempted by another’s mangos. Or avocados, but then again the song would probably go “tempted by the guacamole of another” if it were avocados. Oh, if only we knew.

What’s your opinion on “The November Rule” for upperclassmen (and, theoretically, grad students) dating freshmenz?

-- booty

Screw the rule -- you’ve got 24 hours, so go crazy. Remember to use pumpkin.

Are you a lonely female seeking a pumpkin companion? Would you like to hear the patter of little Positive Sinking’s in future issues of The Tech? Well then send e-mail to sinking@mit.edu and we’ll promise to chug a bottle of old spice for every e-mail received (offer subject to change, see Web site for details).