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Positive Sinking

Providing your RDA of Wombats

By Akshay Patil
COLUMNIST

Dear Positive Sinking,

I recently found myself on a page http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HauerGang/message/17889 full of instant message acronyms. I already knew about “brb” “idk” “ttyl” and such, but I never realized there were so many legitimate and weird shorthand phrases. Do you use any of them?

--Nifoc

To be honest, I don’t know which shocks me more... the link you sent me, or the fact that you were apparently “naked in front of computer” when you wrote me the e-mail. I’m going to just skip over the mental image and delve straight into the weird world of words we... wuncovered.

Firstly, ty for the e-mail... I tend not to use too many tla’s when I chat because afaic they’re a pita. Wtf is up with snert’s trying to be hip and poppin’ fresh by im’ing this junk... do they think I’m going to be roflmao and pimp because they’re all l337 at chatting?

Ygbk, imnsho they should all gypo and gsoas, iykwim. sbta, but all these ponas use stuff that’s pdoma and expect the world to rtfm... aysos?

Speak normal English, it’s good for you.

A forwarded e-mail from “kah” to Positive Sinking:

For those who watch what you eat... Here’s the final word on nutrition and health, and it’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

6. Ukrainians drink a lot of vodka, eat a lot of perogies and cabbage rolls and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

OK, so maybe speaking normal English isn’t better for you. Darn, there goes that one. Also it would appear that my advice to all of you to pick up a Canadian accent (do it just, eh?) may not actually have all the benefits I extolled (though I still bet you it’ll help pick up members of the opposite sex, so it’ll at least help you make the most of what little English-speaking time you have).

Now a result I would really like to know is whether or not these results also apply to those who speak pig-latin. I can only imagine that adopting pig-latin as our national language would help this country’s chances of cheating coronary catastrophe.

Now, I’m not saying that pig-latin will help is get in the kind of shape Italians are in (normal Italians, not Godfather-like Italians), but it’s got to be a step in the right direction (namely east).

As you can tell, I’m already waaaaay ahead of all y’all. I mean, just look at my name, it’s already in pig-latin. Well, my first name is at least. Apparently before my parents decided to protect my health, I had a lot in common, nominally, with Monsieur Shaquille O’Neal. Pretty cool, eh? That’s what it’s all aboot.

So next time you’re chatting it up with a friend over a pile of greasy fries or tub o’ lard, remember to switch to a healthier conversational medium. Your heart will thank you. Women will flock to you. The world will become a better place.

Keep the e-mails coming. Not that way, you pervert. Jeez, can’t you get your mind out of the gutter for, like, 10 seconds so I can make an innocent request for you to e-mail sinking@mit.edu? And leave the monkey alone.