Gaggle Cops 123rd Tech Managing Board ElectionsSPECIAL TO THE TECH
As the rain fell lightly upon the city streets, the lonely heiress trudged along, sobbing over her lost love.
“Why, God? Why did he have to die in that awful horse breeding accident?” Elsie shrieked, drawing looks from the few hurried passersby.
She came to an intersection and stepped out into the street without noticing the rapidly approaching car. As the car bore down on her, she collapsed into a pile of sobbing skin and silk.
Suddenly, out of a dark alley came a handsome man with a beret cocked jauntily on his head. He rushed into the street and scooped Elsie up into his strong arms, just before the car reached the place where she had lain. Once under the awning of a tall office building, she struggled out of his arms.
“Who are you? Why are you touching me?” she demanded, straightening her blood red silk gown.
“I hate to see a pretty lady in distress,” he said in a thick French accent that melted her grief away.
“Oh my hero, take me to your love palace. I’m all yours,” she said.
“I would be happy to oblige you, but I am late for The Tech’s Managing Board elections. Would you mind if we took a slight detour?” he asked.
“Anything for you, my hunk of burning love,” she said breathlessly.
He led her to a squat building that was designed well before humans learned how to build $90 million buildings that absorb water. When they reached the southeast corner of the fourth floor, the smell of smoke and booze hit her like a speeding train.
Jean-Paul noticed her disgust. “It’s a hard job,” he said. “We indulge ourselves to forget our troubles.”
At the meeting, the first election was for the supplier of vices herself, the chairwomyn. Fun “I’m a Man” Lee campaigned with a platform of “Free Pot and Beer for All!” but the straight-laced managing board of MIT’s official news organ chose Jyoti “Roachkiller” Tibrewala for the position.
The position of Editor in Chief was decided by a cage-match-of-death prior to the meeting. Fedora-wearing, whiskey-nursing Nathan “Pretty Boy” Collins was named EIC-in-waiting, and Jennifer “Cradle Robber” Krishnan retained the EIC title. The two have agreed not to be in the office at the same time, to prevent further maulings.
In a striking departure from previous practice, Ian “Honest Abe” Lai will continue to not steal The Tech’s money as Business Manager.
Joy “Words are for Losers” Forsythe, who has been convicted of attempting to take over the world with her makeshift army of production staffers, was chosen for the Managing Editor position.
N’Sync groupie Keith “Tee-hee” Winstein took a chance and turned his speech into a fast-paced, highly-choreographed pop number about patent law. A copy of his speech can be heard on <http://lamp.mit.edu>. After his song, Winstein was elected News and Features Square.
“The coolest part about my position is that I get to control the weather,” Winstein said.
When asked to compare his new bosses, Krishnan and Collins, Winstein quipped, “She’s more of a girl than he’ll ever be, big boy.”
The board named Christine “Big Title for a Small” Fry news editor, but only after she agreed to supply The Tech’s ketchup.
Collins, drunk and still pumped after his fight with Krishnan, challenged Fry to a death battle after he was also elected news editor.
“Bring it on,” Fry said.
Joel “You Can’t Spell Puerto Rican without ‘I Can’” Corbo and David “22 Is a Multiple of 4” Carpenter were selected as Production Revolutionaries. They were excited that they could continue to spend late nights in the mysterious prod shop, terrorizing tired news editors.
Ken “Breaking Windows Is Bad” Nesmith and Andrew “I Am Right, I Was Right, and I Always Will Be Right” Thomas were chosen as the new Opinion Editors. They will now carry the official S&M gear of The Tech Editboard.
The mythical Jennifer “Just Do It” DeBoer was elected as the continuing Savior of the Sports section.
Allison “Sugar” Lewis and Jeremy “I’m Dating Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Wife” Baskin were elected Arts Island Editors.
“She owns multiple overcoats,” a still drunk Collins commented on the choices.
The new Photo Editors are Jonathan “Oracle of Delphi” Wang, Brian “I Like Photography” Hemond, and Noel “Will Schmooze for Free Food” Davis. They vowed to increase the number of masturbation photos by 50 percent.
Lee, who now has all the free pot and beer to him/herself, will remain Features, Fun, and Gadgets Editor
Roshan “I Will Not Hook Up in the Term Room” Baliga was elected as Technology Director on a platform of abstinence in The Tech office.
Kevin “I’m Not as Old as Frank, But I’m Just as Sexy” Lang declined all nominations and then proceeded to remove himself from his clothing, leaving on only a strange pair of glasses, much to the horror of all females present.
“Take off the glasses, baby!” screamed a crazed Tibrewala.
Rapidly approaching Fogey Status, Aaron “I Ain’t Yo Mama” Mihalik and Sandra “Bam!” Chung were chosen as Senior Editors. Chung promised to supply ten-course meals at all Tech functions, while Mihalik threatened to deny all members of Manboard access to The Tech office.
Finally, the old fogies were elected to the Advisory Board of The Tech. Although they had long since passed out because of the length of the meeting (and some possibly from overdoses on Viagra), the following were elected: B(een There) D(one That) Colen, V. Michael “Junior” Bove, Robert “Hired Gun” Malchman, Joel “Riot in the Streets” Rosenberg, Saul “Desknet” Blumenthal, Jonathan “U.S. Certified Genius” Richmond, Barry “NY Times” Surman, Anders “Hussein” Hove, Paul “Indexing Project” Schindler, Satwiksai “Survivor Party” Seshasai, Debby “Token Adboard Female” Levinson, Vladimir “Thumbs Down” Zelevinsky, and Ryan “BBQ” Ochylski.