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Down the Hatchet

How to Care for Your Prefrosh

By Akshay Patil
COLUMNIST

Do not show them Athena - Your average prefrosh does not want to see an Athena cluster. In fact, if you expose them to the rank environment that defines the undergraduate experience for far too many students, you may very well cause your prefrosh to wet their pants in fear. If exposure is unavoidable, try to ease their transition into this digital world by introducing them first to quick-stations and mini-clusters instead of dumping them directly into our computational geekdom. Of course, your prefrosh may be different. Perhaps they have a UNIX workstation at home and/or program in LISP on a regular basis ... in this case feel free to introduce them to Athena and let them wet their pants in pleasure.

Do not get your pre-frosh drunk - This message brought to you by the CLC. If you’re caught with an intoxicated prefrosh, tell the police officer you’re from Harvard.

Do not smoke your prefrosh - They cause blindness. Seriously.

Do tool - Hey, just because there are high school students running rampant on the MIT campus doesn’t mean that you don’t have work to do. Besides, it’ll present a more accurate representation of life at MIT (what do you mean MIT students do work?).

Do not eat your prefrosh - Your Dorm/FSILG has a person called a “student liaison” for CPW. If you eat your freshmen, your student liaison will get in a lot of trouble with MIT and possibly the parents of your ex-prefrosh/dinner.

So be considerate to your fellow students and go find some of the plentiful free food available this weekend.

Do not make pre-frosh do your psets - Just because a prefrosh got into MIT doesn’t mean he/she can do thermodynamics. Hell, you can’t do thermodynamics. Besides, make them pay their own tuition if they want the joy of pulling an all-nighter. If they really beg you to let them work, give them an old 18.02 problem set to chew on.

Do show them MIT TV stations - Feel free to expose prefrosh to the wide array of television channels freely available over MIT basic cable. Make sure you explain how the Institvte feels CNN and Cartoon Network are both necessary for well rounded education ... some other colleges they might be considering charge students to access the quality programming (such as CNN Daybreak and the Powerpuff Girls) freely available here at MIT.

Do not refer to the prefrosh as “You kids these days” - Remember, your pre-frosh has endured the pains of high school and the college application process; it is only fair to give them the due respect you would give any mature adult. Calling them names like “punk,” “hey you,” and “what’s his/her face” is preferred.

Do not throw your prefrosh into the Charles River - Yes, they can be trying at times, but no matter how frustrated you may get with the prefrosh, please do not throw them into the Charles River. First, they have not yet passed the rigorous MIT swim test, so their safety cannot be assured. Second, it’s littering. Third, the Charles River is just plain ol’ nasty.

Do tell your prefrosh about IHTFP - Just because. Stick it to the man!

Do not lock up your prefrosh to ensure better weather - The MIT weather bubble is only operated during CPW. It functions independent of the presence of prefrosh on campus. Numerous studies in the area using the scientific method have all yielded the same results. Further research also shows that chocolate can reduce the chance of any type of cancer by up to 50%.

Do not feed the prefroshies - Prefrosh need to maintain their hunting abilities outside of MIT. Feeding one might make that prefrosh lazy. Instead of independently searching and hunting for sustenance, the prefrosh will merely rely on other students for free food. When the prefrosh leaves MIT, it may no longer be able to survive in the outside world. While it might be tempting, please do not feed the prefroshies; it’s for their own good.