She’s so Lucky, She’s a Star
Written by Shonda Rhimes
Directed by Tamra Davies.
Starring Britney Spears, Kim Cattrall, Dan Ackroyd
Crossroads is the edgiest film of the year! Britney Spears outdoes herself by smashing apart her pristine image! She swears! She drinks alcohol! She has sex! I bet you $100 she will be nominated for an Oscar next year. Really!
The film starts out with three little girls burying a box of their goals for the future. Awww, how sweet! They swear they will always be friends and on the night of their graduation, they will dig up the box and see if their dreams have come true. Flash forward to high school graduation.
Shockingly, the girls have grown into very different people. Mimi (Taryn Manning) is total white trash. Not only does she wear a Boy Scout shirt to prom, but of course, she is pregnant just like all the other trailer-trash teenage girls. Kit (Zoe Saldana) is a bitchy, popular, pampered princess with a loser fiancÉ. Oh, but we can’t hate her since the only reason she’s mean is her mom is mean to her! Finally, Lucy (Britney Spears) has, naturally, become the nerdy valedictorian who is planning to become a doctor, despite her musical talent. No really, she’s a total nerdy loser. I mean, all geeks dress like they just stepped out of a fashion magazine, right? Hey, she almost has sex with her best friend Henry (Justin Long), and look how geeky HE is!
Despite their separation over the years, the girls meet up to open the box and talk about their dreams. Even though Mimi and Kit hate each other (a princess could never hang out with a dirty pregnant girl! EW!), the girls decide to take a road trip out west for different reasons. Lucy wants to meet her mother who abandoned her family, Kit wants to see her fiancÉ at UCLA, and Mimi dreams of being the first pregnant pop star. The girls hop in the car with Mimi’s bad-boy friend Ben (Anson Mount) who looks a lot like an orangutan. Teehee, there’s some flirting between Ben and Lucy! What a cute couple they would make!
Many adventures ensue on the car trip. The girls bond through N*SYNC sing-a-longs and giggling. The car breaks down and they are short on funds. Oh no! Luckily they make hundreds of dollars in tips doing a boring karaoke rendition of “I Love Rock and Roll.” Oddly, Ben is upset about having to share his car and hotel rooms with a bunch of girls. It seems like a straight male’s dream to me. Don’t worry though, Ben gets laid in the end. Lucy meets her estranged mom (Kim Cattrall), who is, surprisingly, not a crack whore, but still a cold-hearted bitch. Lucy is sad. Ben writes a song for a poem Lucy wrote that, strangely, just happens to sound exactly like “I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman.” Not only does this cheer Lucy up, it turns out to be a really good way for Ben to get laid. Blah, blah, more ups and downs, the girls get to L.A., decide to audition as a music group, Lucy breaks free of her dad’s control and grows up. The end.
GO! See Crossroads! You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll sing and dance, you’ll get to see Britney in a pair of little boy’s BVDs. And, oh yeah, this movie sucks.