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Down the Hatchet

A Tribute to Tofu Turkey

By Akshay Patil

For those of you who are utterly oblivious, Thanksgiving is nearly upon us. The upcoming four-day break has certainly got me thinking about those things I’m thankful for, so I thought I might give tribute to all the little things in life that go without notice or thanks all too often.

Liquid soap. Just because it rocks.

Toilet Paper. Try going without it, it’s not a pretty thing.

FM Radio. AM is boring; plus it’s much cooler to modulate the frequency than to modulate amplitude.

Scissors. Cutting with a knife can suck... and hurt.

Qwerty keyboards. Uhm, duh.

Staplers. And God bless staple guns, too.

Paper. Dried, beaten tree pulp; too bad it lacks the yum humid parchment smell.

Paper clips. Using bent wire to hold paper together and stick in electrical sockets? Genius.

Tape. Because glue can’t do it all.

Mouthwash. Mmm, minty fresh.

Toothpaste. Could you have made dental soap a reality?

Tissue paper. Because Athena paper cuts.

Electronic razors. Even if you’re a fan of razor blades, you’ve got to admit that electric saves on toilet paper.

Comic strips. Hello, penguins?

Band-aids. Because it’s hard to print a picture of Snoopy on medical gauze.

Zippers. What About Mary? XYZ.

Velcro. Leave it to NASA to come up with such a great invention. Still underutilized in today’s society.

Cans/can-openers. Stays longer, now with a fresh new metallic taste.

Dryer sheets. Static sucks and Snuggles rocks.

Wax. It was a twisted individual who thought of dipping things in animal fat, but it works.

Bread. Put yeast in wheat and then heat it? Weird, but ohh so good.

Milk chocolate. Beans and milk never tasted better.

Air conditioners. Now that’s a no-brainer.

Follicular. Someone, somewhere, must have come up with the word... ok, I know, stop obsessing.

Elevators. Elevator go up! Elevator go down! Teddy go down the hole.

Aluminum foil. Wrapping up leftovers in metal? Now you’re just getting crazy.

Saran wrap. Main Entry: sa ran; Etymology: from Saran, a trademark; Date: 1940: a tough flexible thermoplastic resin.

The word thermoplastic. Because it’s similar to, but not quite, thermosetting.

Penguins. Created in Newark in 1912... and the Earth isn’t round either, it’s shaped like a burrito.

Contact lenses. Suffer from poor vision? Here, stick these shards of glass in your eyes.

Toaster ovens. Remember back in the day when everyone had normal toasters?

The shower. Baths are nice and relaxing, but when you’ve got class in 15 minutes, you don’t want to wait for the tub to fill up.

Wrist watches. Pocket watches are more suave, but the attached Fresh Off the Boat can get annoying.

Ketchup. Tastes good on fish and pisses off the French -- can a condiment get any better?

Nutella. Hey, if ketchup makes the list, how can I pass on my favorite fish topping?

Bean bag chairs. I never knew that sitting on an amorphous blob could be so fun.

Rubber. The maple syrup of the maple tree... minus the sugar and plus the Nike logo.

Sporks. Not that they really work, I just like saying the word.

All things dairy. Would you have thought to drink the stuff coming out of a cow’s udder?

Have a great Thanksgiving.