Gaggle Cops 122nd Manboard ElectionsSpecial to The Tech
As the war on terrorism continues in Afghanistan, the war on office messes continues at the Tech under the continued diplomacy of Chairman and Secretary of State Jordan “^%&*” Rubin.
“The President fully supports Chairman Rubin in continuing this important battle,” said White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer. Stepping up to the position of Editor In Chief and Attorney General was Kevin R. Lang, replacing outgoing Editor Dana A. Levine. Many within the Tech were initially skeptical of Lang, calling him a leftover from Cold War MIT reporting, but have been pleasantly surprised by his tough news meetings and drinking ability.
Outgoing Business Manager and Head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Huanne Thomas gave her full support for Rachel Johnson, who pledged a swift response to the Coke machine problems, but warned that a long-term solution could take time.
Meanwhile, at the Department of Production, Joel Corbo emphasized the importance of fighting for deadlines even as outgoing Central Arts Intelligence head Devdoot Majumdar encouraged fifteen arts-story issues that go to press at 5 a.m. Central Operations Manager Jasmine Richards declined to comment.
In a usual development, two aging officials, Annie S. Choi from the Central Arts Intelligence and Rima A. Arnaout from the National News Collection Agency, opted to move to senior but meaningless positions at the Agency for Contributions from Fogies. Administration officials emphasize that the ACG will be a better, less meaningless place with Choi and Arnaout. Arnaout, who leaves her position as NNCA director, will lnot be replaced soon.
Administration officials, who asked not to be named, have indicated that the CAI will now be headed by sophomore Senator Dan Robey (I-MA) and longtime news collection official Sandra Chung. Hopes are hight that their desk will be rescued from under a pile of promotional materials soon.
Other intelligence agencies have remained stable. At the Photographic Intelligence Agency, Senior Analysts Nathan Collins and Wendy Gu will stay on, at least until the office is clean.
The NNCA, without a formal director, will be run by the current assistant director, Jennifer Krishnan, and two associate directors, Eun Lee and Brian Loux.
In a startling shakeup at the Department of Production, former Assistant Night Director Ian Lai returned, though it could not be determined whether he was aware of his former post. Asked whether he had formerly held the position, Lai said, “I think so. . . .” Joy Forsythe, a current Assistant Night Director for Deadlines and Beatings, will continue in her post.
Meanwhile, in the spin rooms of the West Wing, current Press Secretaries/Talking Heads Jyoti Tibrewala and Kris Schnee will also continue in their posts. Their opinion on office cleanliness was not clear, but their desk is usually clean. Opinionated Ming-Tai Huh, no connection to the Talking Head post, will be ranking Technocrat, so at least the computers will be clean, or so hope Rubin and Corbo.
The new cleanliness movement will also see new press liason Aye Moah. She will be joined by former Joint Chiefs Head Huanne Thomas. Former Managing Secretary of Defense & Production Eric Cholankeril now moves to Senior White House Coke-Machine-Water-Mess Advisor.
In a bizarre scene Saturday, Former Assistant Night Director Andrew Mamo was being groomed for National Security Ombusman when he discovered he could then no longer work at the Department of Production and hence declined. Following that, Central Arts Intelligence Director Majumdar nominated Thomas for the post. It was not clear at press time why.
Meanwhile, a hawkish National Security Advisory Board was elected, including recently certified Genious Jonathan Richmond. Other members include: Media Intelligence Officer V. Michael Bove, White House Counsel Robert Malchman, New York News Collection Director Barry Surman, Former Washington Bureau Breakfast Buyer Anders Hove, Slacker Saul Blumenthal, Indexing Professor Paul Schindler, Left-Wing Analyst Joel Rosenberg, longtime Imagerry Intelligence Officer B.D. Colen, former CAI official Vlad Zelevinsky, and generic Federal Agent Eric Plosky. All pledged to do what they could to help in the cleanliness effort.