Gaggle Cops 121st Tech Managing Board ElectionsSPECIAL TO THE TECH
After a month of immunity challenges, bathing suits, and fat naked men, the television show Tech Survivor revealed its winner last night to a nationwide audience of millions.
The Tech survivors endured countless hardships during their month on Stratton Island. The show’s producers purposefully starved the contestants, providing them with only four catered meals per week. The poor souls were also cut off from all outside communication, save for seven Internet-ready iMacs and a 61-inch television with cable. The torture lasted until the bitter end, when the castaways had to endure a banquet at a three-star restaurant instead of the four-star treatment they had grown to expect.
Jordan “Naked Victory Dance” Rubin ’02 won the game’s grand prize of Island Chairman after scheming against rivals Ryan “Depressed Detroit Fan” Ochylski ’01 and Katie “Susan Hawk” Jeffreys ’01. Rubin was helped by support from the UA Alliance, consisting of fellow well-fed management majors from the other end of Stratton Island.
In the election for Island Editor in Chief, Mike “Groush” Ring ’01 edged out Jeffreys and Dana “High as a Kite” Levine ’02 after promising to feed his hungry island-mates with the carcass of Eric “The Red” Plosky.
In an ingenious bit of scheming, Huanne “No Coke for You” Thomas ’02 swiped all of her colleagues’ canteens and threatened to keep everyone thirsty unless she was reelected Island Business Manager. The vote for Thomas was unanimous after the lone dissenter died of dehydration.
Eric “J is for Jewish” Cholankeril ’02 won the office of Island Managing Editor after showing off his buff, bronzed bod to the multitude of female viewers at home. Cholankeril built muscles in his upper legs after repeatedly bending down to beg his fellow castaways to lift with him.
To prepare for his turn in charge of the island, Levine sought the office of Island Executive Editor. Since his new position is undefined in the game rules, Levine will follow in the footsteps of his predecessor, Greg “Free At Last” Kuhnen ’00, by planning in advance to graduate a term late.
Naveen “Little Kahuna” Sunkavally ’01, Rima “In Bed” Arnaout ’02, and Matt “Token Hottie” Palmer ’03 seized control of the Island News Alliance and planned to stave off starvation by feasting on the surplus freshmen castaways who landed on the island during the game. Laura “Ax Murderer” Moulton ’01 declined to join her ravenous colleagues, citing her desire to have a life outside of the game show.
After the departure of Rubin, Cholankeril, Ian “Traitorous APO Fiend” Lai ’02, and Mary “Frank” Obelnicki ’98, the Island Production Alliance was left without a leader until former chairman Satwik “Marry Me, Colleen” Seshasai ’01 volunteered to steer the department proudly into the island sand.
The dynamic duo of Mike “I swear it was an accident I turned to that page of the picture book!” Hall ’03 and Kris “James Stockdale” Schnee ’02 seized control of the Island Opinion Alliance, them moved its headquarters from the island’s west shore to the east shore.
Aaron “Yeah, cool, whatever” Mihalik ’02 followed by wrestling control of the Island Sports Alliance from Mr. No ’69.
The Island Arts Alliance began to fall apart after alliance co-leader Rebecca “Smoke ’um Peace Pipe” Loh ’01 won a coveted Reward Challenge -- a romantic luxury cruise with actor Edward Norton. Loh’s heartbroken co-leader, Annie “Pikachu” Choi, was left with slim pickings for a replacement and eventually settled on Devdoot “Token Frosh” Majumdar ’04.
As dusk settled on the island, Nathan “Tom” Collins G and “www.” Sephir “.org” Hamilton G won command of the Island Photo Alliance after replacing the island’s water wells with screwdrivers and Manhattans.
Meanwhile, in the Island Business Alliance, Rachel “Take a Drink” Johnson ’02 rose to the position of Advertising Manager by promising to keep Reebok and Bud Light as sponsors for the show’s spring sequel, while Jasmine “Huanne” Richards ’02 was tapped for Island Operations Manager after training Thomas for her new leadership role.
While the young finished their little island elections, the old-timers sailed off into the sunset. James “Boot” Camp G was appointed Island Contributer, while Eric “The Red” Plosky ’99 retained his non-voting, non-productive position of Island Senior Citizen. Frank “Fair and Unbiased Ombudsman” Dabek G abandoned his title of Island Senior Citizen and Arbitrator after openly declaring his support of all the Tech alliances at the end of the show.
After struggling to move their tired, famished bones, the Island Advisors followed in their own boat, with B(ow) D(own) “To Me” Colen, V. Michael “Junior” Bove, Robert “Hired Gun” Malchman, Joel “Riot in the Streets” Rosenberg, Josh “Isn’t She Cute?” Hartmann, Simson “and” Garfinkel, Indy “Solar Panels” Neogy, Saul “Desknet” Blumenthal, Jeremy “Reston” Hylton, Jonathan “On and Off” Richmond, Barry “NY Times” Surman, Diana “Token Adboard Female” Ben-Aaron, Anders “Hussain” Hove, Reuven “Haifa” Lerner, and Paul “Indexing Project” Schindler in tow.