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The One-Column Tech

Guest Column
Wally Holland

Hello fellow students! I know that you’re pressed for time and that problem sets and papers are beginning to pile up a bit. I want you to know that I am on your side; that I care about your needs. This broheem has nothing but your best interests at heart. In the spirit of ruthless efficiency, then, allow me to present a new feature: The Tech, in a single column!

Here begins the digest version of the Oct. 3 issue of The Tech.

Statistically, it’s wildly unlikely that you’re voting. So there’s little point in carrying on about the Bush/Gore debate (which, by this point, has already gone on) that made the front page. Ralph Nader spoke at the Fleet (“Fleece”) Center to 12,000 spectators, but (again appealing to statistics) you probably don’t know word one about Ralph Nader, except that he’s the Green Party nominee (so he must be a good guy). Above the fold, a nice picture of Josiah D. Seale ’02 looking collegiate, presenting his plan for confidential medical transport at the televised UA meeting which you almost certainly didn’t watch.

Neal Dorow (essentially the Housing Guy in the administration) resigned, and you don’t know why -- which isn’t surprising, since neither does anyone else. Why, even the spokesman for a third of MIT’s undergraduate population, IFC President Damien Brosnan ’01, went on the record to shrewdly comment that he had no idea what had happened. Worthy of note: students will have no official voice in the search for his replacement. Surprise.

In World News: violence in the Middle East, the Supreme Court in session again, Milosevic talking on (state-run) TV, mutant corn in your tacos, and -- shocker -- people are nervous about RU-486 (the abortion pill). Bush and Gore are prepping, Nader is a blip in the polls, we’re giving out green cards like lottery tickets, and the bodies of Russian sailors who died aboard the Kursk nuclear sub are being retrieved by Dick Cheney’s old energy services company.

Onto the Opinion section: The Tech is distrustful, Matt McGann is (over-)charitable, Roy Esaki is wordy, Eric J. Cholankeril is irked, Josiah Seale is working hard, Philip Burrowes is clever, and Mike Barker is a grownup (damn them!).

Now to The Arts. Vladimir Zelevinsky is no longer in charge, so the verbosity of this section has plunged dramatically. The reviews are all opinions anyhow, so it seems unnecessary to summarize them. Instead, I’ll give some of my own: I like Robert DeNiro. Somehow I can’t get into vegetarian food. Musical theatre is not exactly a wellspring of ingenuity these days. IHOP was too expensive anyhow, but don’t piss off the waitresses at Deli Haus; I tell you, lad, they are ninjas. Most of the bands Dan likes sound alike.

Nice story about an MIT alum at the Olympics on page 11, and a useful overview of what the two major presidential candidates think about unsolvable moral problems. Then the Comics, in which Aaron Isaksen’s “Fun With Clip Art” plays its one note again, and five hundred pages of ads, including an application for the Spring Weekend Committee which you were never going to fill out anyhow. More about medical transport (just subscribe to if you’re curious) on page 24, an ad for a HASS Anniversary colloquium you’re not going to attend, and more ads.

The solution to 1-Down is “fast.” Next House got off with a warning because the CLC is a ludicrous bunch, and on the back page there were some color pictures of students you probably don’t know. The football team lost 33-7 to UMass-Dartmouth, but you weren’t at the game anyway. Maybe next time (for both you and the team). And there is is! The news in a nutshell.

Isn’t it amazing, the things you miss if you don’t pay attention?

Wally Holland is a member of the Class of 2001.