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Gaggle Cops 120th Tech Managing Board Elections

special to the tech

Cambridge is still recovering from the harrowing occurrences of last weekend’s apocalyptic events. In the wake of this millennial disaster, reports are filtering in of widespread loss of electricity, running water, and network connectivity. The disaster, centered around MIT, touched off numerous riots, looting and left people around the world without food, water, and e-mail for over 17 hours.

A few brave souls, surviving the catastrophe, convened in the shambles of the Student Center to elect the new Managing Board of The Tech.

Those elected attempted to survive on stale pizza from Sunday’s news meeting and quenched their desire for electronic communication in the oasis of The Tech’s network, which had survived the onslaught by sheer fortune.

Satwiksai “Where’s my gavel?” Seshasai ’01 pounded his way to Chairmanship, and narrowly beat out his only competition -- his ego.

A grim-faced Frank “pointy haired EIC” Dabek ’00 rose, declaring that he and he alone had the ability to edit the newspaper in a post-apocalyptic world. The board, wowed by the would-be editor’s resolution to take over the budgeting role of the Business Department, promptly elected him Editor in Chief.

Dabek celebrated his victory by strangling Naveen “Little Kahuna” Sunkavally ’01 with a network cable and beat him to a bloody pulp with a newly acquired dictionary, which then exploded. A bloodied but unconquered Sunkavally gasped that he would return in a sequel or two, but must rest for a bit in the newly-created position of News Director.

Jasmine “Huanne” Richards ’02 survived the grilling of the Chairman and won the approval of the Board to act as Business Manager.

Ryan “Paul” Ochylski ’01 stepped from behind the burning wreckage of a Macintosh G3 to explain to those assembled that the depressed, demoralized, heavily irradiated citizenry of the future would require a newspaper with a crisp, clean layout and a rich but austere collection of sans serif fonts to stave off madness. This erudite analysis earned Ochylski the position of Managing Editor.

Greg “nobody’s better” Kuhnen ’00 emerged from a black box to explain that his work as Executive Editor was not yet done, and that he needed at least one more term to complete the grandest operation yet undertaken by The Tech: rebuilding the world’s great libraries around old bound volumes of The Tech.

As the Managing Board grew restless waiting for its News Editor candidates to step forth, it slowly became obvious that two had been left behind. Thus, only two prime suspects remained to repopulate the news department, as the board approved of Kevin “Wonderbread Giant” Lang ’02 and Rima Arnaout “In Bed” ’02.

To protect against further horrors of the apocalypse, Mary “Drunk Monkey” Obelnicki G, Ian “No Comment” Lai ’02, and Jordan “23-0-0” Rubin ’02 were all bestowed with the Night Editor title. Vowing to battle words till the death, the trio emerged unscathed from the Board’s trial.

Exiled from Cambridge politics, Mike “Wonderland” Ring ’01 and Eric “Klepto” Plosky G returned to seek office in the only place they could win election: the Opinion Department.

Departing Arts Editor Vladimir “Remote Editor” Zelevensky ’95 expressed confidence in the incumbent Rebecca Loh “Norton” ’01 and even the untested youth Dan “Gray Box” Katz ’03 in their quest to maintain cultural awareness amidst the new world order.

Ming-Tai “huh?” Huh ’02 was thrust into his position when one of the last bastions of the old world, the noble zephyr, delivered the news that he would be the sole candidate for Sports Editor.

Suddenly, three haggard figures entered the room armed. After vigorously denouncing everyone present for their decadent bourgeois ways, Annie “Pikachu” Choi, Karlene “Gaayr” Rosera ’00, and James “Token Testosterone” Camp G, announced that they wished to be elected photography editors before returning to their black box for a life of quiet contemplation of CMYK color gamuts and loose crops. The board dutifully elected them to the positions they desired.

Suddenly the lights in The Tech’s bunker died. The crowd murmured with fear before Joey “Uncle Moneybags” Dieckhans ’00 and Huanne “With a little help from my friends” Thomas ’02 lit a candle and explained that unanticipated shortfalls had prevented The Tech from paying the bunker’s electric bill. The Managing Board hissed and booed until Dieckhans explained that the coming apocalypse would open up exciting new advertising opportunities for things like petrol sales and urine recycling systems. A relieved board elected Thomas and Dieckhans Advertising Manager to supervise these new opportunities.

Dan “The World is Not Enough” McGuire ’99 resolved to restore order in the business office and was selected on the strength of his “wisdom” to serve as Operations Manager.

Shantonu “iSuc” Sen ’02 convinced the board to reelect him to the position of Technology after announcing that under his leadership The Tech had made significant headway towards stockpiling essential items, such as six-year-old Macintosh IIci’s.

Gabor “Squash” Csanyi G and “Leisure Suit” Garry Maskaly ’00, former denizens of the black box, emerged from under the table (it’s dark under there, you see) to join Brett “Six Feet Under” Altschul G in being named Contributing Editor.

Pausing from her attempts to contact the outside world, Katharyn “Rubber Doll” Jeffreys ’01 convinced the Board that she should serve as Features Editor for another term.

The managing board completed its grim task by naming those alumni and hangers-on who would advise The Tech after the apocalypse: B(ow) D(own) “To Me” Colen, Thomas “Tex” Huang ’86, V. Michael “MAS” Bove ’83, Robert “Hired Gun” Malchman ’85, Joel “Riot in the Streets” Rosenberg ’99, Josh “Isn’t She Cute” Hartmann ’93, Simson “and” Garfinkel ’87, Tom “Information Architect” Karlo ’96, Indy “N.” Neogy ’98, Saul “Speechless” Blumenthal ’98, Jeremy “Reston” Hylton ’94, Jonathan “See my tits” Richmond PhD ’91, Barry “NY Times” Surman ’84.