Gaggle Cops 119th Tech Managing Board ElectionsSPECIAL TO THE TECH
Was it the scent of perspiration or the smell of dough baking in the ripe Saturday heat? I didn't know, but my Wild Turkey senses were intrigued. With my beak to the ground on the old street that crosses the river, I hopped and gobbled gleefully. And so I chanced upon The Tech's 119th Managing Board elections, a.k.a the Play-Doh® Fun Factory.
An assemblage of diverse hooligans and buffoons fell upon me at once. They had been gorging on some dough-bagels and dough-flavored orange juice when they saw me. They rudely patted my newly cropped feathers and fingered my plump, sensual body. Then they gagged and drugged me, tied me to a chair, and peeled my eyes wide open, forcing me to watch the horrendous spectacle that lay ahead.
First came Josh "Starbuck" Bittker '99, whose massive dough-production abilities in yesteryear led him to his second consecutive pronouncement as Chairman. Not to be undone, forever attention-craved Zareena Hussain '00 "in the Membrane" pounced onto the scene, shocking and tantalizing the most unsuspecting minds with her plump, doughy consistency. For her efforts, she was crowned Editor in Chef, after which she resigned herself to grunting maniacally in a corner of the room, wearing her newly-baked tiara.
But both were subsequently shown up by Joey "Scrooge" Dieckhans '00. He huddled in his cold room, waiting for the Ghost of Business Manager Present to appear, filling the room with pastries and other doughy comestibles.
Future dough exhibits were less impressive. Nonetheless, almost everyone managed to the remember the name of Ryan "If I could be like Mike" Ochylski '01 in his promotion to Managing Editor. Outgoing Editor in Chef Douglas E. "Ring around the Sloanie; pocket full of money" Heimburger '00, "seemed" to "transcend" into "high-level" psychobabble and needed some "power plays" to win his "not as significant" role as Executive Editor.
Susan "Eight Delights" Buchman '01 captivated the audience with her suggestions to expand the dough processes and was subsequently named News Editor, along with Jennifer "Small Caps" Chung '01, who got more than she wished for, Krista L. "Who?" Niece '01, and Frank "Call the question" Dabek '00.
Always too formal for the occasion, Bernie Sanders idol Michael J. "Workers of the World, Unite!" Ring '01 gave his dough a semblance of respectability with a tie and won approval to continue his liberal rant as an Opinion Editor in the pages of The Tech. Ring was accompanied by Naveen "I'm going to get laid! Where you going?" Sunkavally '01. Never a huge fan of dough to start with, the scrawny Sunkavally instead awed the mob with his hair-raising ability to shed his massive Afro without any compunctions.
Meanwhile, despite his bureaucratic refinements within the Factory, Brett "Idon't know where The Tech would be without me" Altschul '99 was openly persecuted for his Oregon-American nationality and sentenced to hard labor at least one night a week as Night Editor.
And if the future for Altschul looks bleak, the future looks brighter than ever for newbie Shantonu "Deer caught in the headlights" Sen '02, who got off to a fast start in his Play-Doh® career as Technology Director.
Gregory F. "Visions of Exec Ed danced in his head" Kuhnen '00, Rebecca "Four" Loh '01, and Annie S. "F***, Yeah!" Choi were named Photo Editors, and Gabor "Mad About Ágnes" Csanyi G, the once and future Color Editor, was charged with maintaining the purity of the Play-Doh® hues.
All the while, Satwiksai "The Body" Seshasai '01 was planning to "come out to play" Jimmy Hoffa-like and leave the operations helm to enter the Arts Department via a Fun Factory coup d'état. He succeeded, and convinced the anti-establishment Joel M. "Not registered to vote in Cambridge" Rosenberg '99 to remain in the Play-Doh® brotherhood as an Arts Editor as well.
The band of thugs welcomed Jennifer "Cruise" Koo '00, a perennial Play-Doh® enigma, as the new Operations Manager, and they also told Shao-Fei "Job-Off-Trak" Moy '98 that he always has a job with them as Sports Editor.
In addition, Dan "RAID-5" McGuire '99 and laryngitis-stricken Jennifer "It's not my fault" Lane '98 were asked to be Contributing Editors, and May K. "Contents under Pressure" Tse was resurrected from the graveyard to be Senior Editor.
And last, but not least, the board of urchins honored the memory of previous connoisseurs of dough by enlisting them as advisors: V. Michael "Junior" Bove '83, Robert E. "Hired Gun" Malchman '85, Thomas T. "Tex" Huang '86, Jonathan "Tactless" Richmond PhD '91, Reuven M. "The Exterminator" Lerner '92, Josh "Is She Cute?" Hartmann '93, Jeremy "Reston" Hylton '94, Garlen C. "Merlin" Leung '95, Saul "Authentic personal message" Blumenthal '98, and Indranath "Solar panels" Neogy '98.
And so, the painstaking Play-Doh® show was over, but, in reality, my anguish had just begun. The beasts tramped to Royal East. (Although, for the first time in many years of tortuous Fun Factories, there were protests against this traditional den of debauchery.) They carried me in a burlap sack, had me cooked up for supper, ate me up, chugged my juices, and gawked at my severed head for the remainder of the day. Who knows what these goons will squirt out next year?