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Gaggle Cops Election of 117th Managing Board

Special to The Tech

With the amount of sleep I've been getting lately, it was with considerable relish that I pulled myself beneath the covers last Friday night for a much-delayed night of sleep. No sooner had I closed my eyelids, however, than I was startled by a horrible noise. I pulled a bathrobe over my DNA-patterned pajama bottoms and sauntered dreamily to the porch.

From my new vantage point, I beheld a throng of angry demons, dancing a circular dance in the street, cursing angry curses, and drooling angry saliva.

By the flickering of their fiery torches, I could see some minor monsters picking the lock to the house - they would be inside and upstairs in a flash. I had to act. Quickly, I grabbed the monster garb from my box of Halloween junk. And none too soon, for hardly had I donned my new disguise than the monsters were upon me.

"Hey," said the first monster, gesturing wildly. "There's an election on, and we're rounding up fellow monsters for polling. You'd better come with us. Energize."

As he pronounced the last word, we were enveloped by a monster transporter beam and dumped unceremoniously in the center of the Tech office on the fourth floor of the Student Center.

"This meeting of the monster board is called to order," said the chairmonster, Daniel C. "Soiled Blankets" Stevenson '97, taking a large swig of mead from the ceremonial popcorn bowl.

The electioneering began with the chairmonster. After two hours of gory deliberation, marked by horrible language and punctuated by belches of blood, Stevenson eked out a narrow victory.

While I yawned with dismay as the hours ticked by, the board elected David D. "Dissenting" Hsu '98 Republican in Chief.

It was now 7 p.m. With hushed voices and purrs of delight, the monsters gathered 'round the telephone for a talk with the head of The Tech's London bureau, Angela "1-800-COLLECT" Liao '98. Having learned of her intention to seek the business monster position, the board assented to her wishes, with the caveat that she install a foam machine for the office's dance floor. Outgoing Business Monster Christine "What's the Gaggle?" Chan '98 and Outgoing Advertising Monster Terri "Is So Very" Wilson '99 spent remaining Tech funds on a Bose sound cannon.

Back in Cambridge, the pace began to mount. Josh "Need my Bits" Bittker '99 was told to manage monsters and Thomas R. "Wild Turkeys" Karlo '97 ordered to execute them. Venkatesh "Whiplash" Satish '98 and Dan "Cheese Grits" McGuire '99 were tapped as news monsters, though the board clamored and drooled for more victims.

As the night wore on, the board members broke off to gorge themselves with pizza. During the meal, the members enjoyed a fire dance by the newly elected monsters of the night, Saul "High-Grade Crack" Blumenthal '98, Russell S. "Conflict of Interest" Light '98, and Jason C. "Overdressed" Yang '99. Jen "Visioning" Peltz '98 retired to the comforts of the Fifth Jungle.

Outgoing Monster in Chief Stacey E. "Over the Top" Blau '98 stood for minister of anti-frattie propaganda. After she promised immediate delivery of a "Jim" replacement, the board moved her cracker ass to the desired opinion monster spot on the mast. After his picture was plastered next to columns, A. Arif "Monorail" Husain '97 decided to leave The Tech, having jeopardized his career as a secret agent.

Incumbent Spo Monster Erik S. "Excited Chicken" Balsley G won an overwhelming re-election after promising to shut his trap, and David V. "The Rules" Rodriguez '97 agreed to stay on as arts monster, provided the annual banquet be held at Buzzy's Fabulous Roast Beef.

Feeling an overwhelming need to relieve their bowels, the board sent for the hot crap monsters. While Indranath "Belligerent" Neogy '98 whipped the offending parties, Gbor "Hungarian Lessons" Csnyi G cleaned up the mess, temporarily storing it in the black box of the photo department. Helen "Melon" Lin '97 slipped away from Monsterville while the natives were blinded by the flash.

It was time once again to gather 'round the phone for an important call to the world headquarters of Pamela Shade "International" '98. Shade International agreed to accept the monster board's contract for operating on monsters.

As the hour struck 10, the elections resumed. After carefully considering his party policy, the board decided to tap Timothy "Um, Mo" K Layman '97 as head rector of techno.

Following the dance motif, the newly elected contributing mon-sters (Shang-Lin "California Girl" Chuang '98, Jennifer "Out of Control" Lane '98, Cristin A. "I Like Fish" Gonzlez '99, Anders "Unplugged" Hove G) formed a monster Conga line, along with re-elected senior monster Ramy A. "Should I Move Back to Next House?" Arnaout '97.

As the witching hour of midnight drew near, the hoary demons of the night got their claws on a Student Center fire alarm, causing the monsters to flee to the halls of the Institute.

Padlocked in an undergraduate lounge, the monsters completed their election by naming several old and expiring monsters to their advisory board: V. Michael "MAS-ive" Bove '83, Robert E. "Hired Gun" Malchman '85, Thomas T. "Lone Star" Huang '86, Reuven M. "Groovin'" Lerner '92, Josh "Is She Cute?" Hartmann '93, Jeremy "Save the Minutes, Please" Hylton '94, Garlen C. "Midori" Leung '95, and Scott C. "Skitty" Deskin '96.

Finally the elections were over, only 13 short hours after they had begun. By this time (1 a.m.), the city's decent eating establishments had closed; the board was forced to eat at IHOP. The monsters expressed wide dissatisfaction at the slim weight of the pancakes (hardly a 15-pounder among them) and the complete absence of spirits.

"Not to fear, gentle monsters," said I, removing my costume and revealing my identity as a lover of fine French wines. "Your thirst will yet be quenched, for the old volume has yet to expire. Wait till Friday, and you will see what I have in the cask for you."