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Gaggle Cops Election of 116th Tech Managing Board

Special to The Tech

Saturday afternoon I was blithely strolling across campus when I was overtaken by a throng of hunchbacked Tech managing board members outside the Student Center. Dazed by the flickering light from their torches, I fell in with the rude crowd.

Before I could figure out what had happened, the herd had corralled me up to the fourth floor. There some urchins strapped me to a chair in the corner, stuck a pipe in my mouth, and began all manner of other insidious preparations for the managing board's annual elections.

The Tech office, also known as "Svenson's Sadistic Sex-Shoppe," was soon filled with unenlightened electioneering. The first candidate, Scott "Goldeneye" Deskin '96, vigorously attacked his opponent for being unwilling to debate on the floor. In spite of this flagrant mudslinging, the board deigned to reelect Deskin to the chairmanship.

Before the board could congratulate Deskin, a spate of gunfire erupted from a dark corner of the room. Dressed in a full suit of combat gear, Ramy "Der Bogglemeister" Arnaout '97 emerged from the fog of battle, promptly pronouncing his intention to wrest (rest, west,) control of the newspaper from the previous establishment. Arnaout further declared that a junta under the thumbs of of himself and Eva "Tight Ship" Moy G would assume power next month. Seeing they had little choice, the board grudgingly approved Arnaout's bloodless (less, loss, loose, looses, boodle, oh wait) putsch.

There was little need for debate about the business-like Christine "No Holes" Chan '98, who had whipped her "Cavern of Carnal Delights" into shape over the last term. Similarly, the board gave the nod to Strategic Tosci's Planning Committee Chair Saul Blumenthal '98, who said he would punt just about everything after 11:29:59 p.m.

Minister of Ideological Warfare Anders "Ace Ventura" Hove '96 then took the floor, arguing that the paper should relocate to Sarajevo. Grudgingly, the board's gray heads nodded to Hove's demand, on the condition that Radovan would continue to roam the Opinion department.

Following a brief romp in the snow, the board reconvened to hear the Warsaw News Pact make its plea. Stacey "Cracker Ass" Blau '98 (perched painfully on a sideways black chair), Shang-Lin "Shedang!" Chuang '98 and David "Imagine" Hsu '98 eked out reelection; the board also knocked up A. Arif "Dexfenfluramine" Husain '97 as a virgin news editor.

Having had done with the newsies, the board turned it's thumb screws on the two ladies of the evening; "Mother" Teresa Lee and Jen "I'm Too Nice" Peltz were named to the night watch, and ordered to open fire on any straggling news writers.

But the board had gotten bored, and decided to take a break from words and move to pictures. The members ordered Craig "Fabio" Chang '96 to take charge of all things artsy, whereas Adrianne "Ha Ha! I'm On Nitrous" Chapman '98 and Indranath "Black Box" Neogy '98 were told to take pretty pictures. In addition, the board abruptly told Jen "Table-Dancer" Lane '98 to "contribute," along with Moy and Thomas "In Absentia" Karlo '96.

Finally, Pamela "Fire In The Belly" Shade '98 was sent to manage the operating table, and Angela "Glamour" Liao '98 reassigned to Christine's Cavern of Carnal Delight.

As dawn broke, Dan "Buttmaster" Stevenson had hardly opened his mouth to speak when the board acclaimed him resnet coordinator and technology director. The members paid Stevenson no heed as they tramped out the door, heading for the Royal East.

Once there, the surviving board members sat down to a fine, succulent meal. "You guys just like dressing up and getting wasted," Stevenson said, as he put his red lips to a glass of Vouvray, which he had inadvertently mixed with a nasty Sauvignon Blanc. Still strapped to my chair in the corner, my pipe burning low, I could hardly dissent.