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Ads Outshine Action in the Stupor Bowl

Column by Bo Light

This marks my final solo column. When I return next week (or maybe in two weeks, who knows), I will be joined by Brian Petersen '96, possibly the only man in America with a greater knowledge of useless sports information than I have.

We look forward to providing loyal Tech readers with biased opinions, shallow analyses, terrible predictions, general misinformation, and absolutely no Chris Berman-style nicknames. We're looking for a good name for our column (we liked "Let's Argue" but it had been done); send any ideas to sports@the-tech.

Now, we begin with a post-game review of...

The Stupor Bowl

I'm guessing that most of you missed the game, having been lulled to sleep by the six hours of hype that preceded it. Well, fans who stayed awake got a real treat.

Jason Alexander parachuted into Joe Robbie Stadium with his dog, the two McDonald's guys got free tickets from Michael Jordan (who proceeded to hit a shot down the tunnel, off the left upright, off Lesley Visser, nothing but net), three frogs learned to read the word Budweiser,' and Mario Cuomo and Ann Richards learned to accept the fact that Doritos had changed their bag.

Oh yeah, there was football going on, too, but not much. The Forty-Niners set about 400 Super Bowl Records (maybe it was 500, I can't remember), including most passing yardage by a quarterback named Elvis, on their way to dismantling the Chargers 4926. Steve Young apparently got that Montana-sized monkey off his back by throwing six touchdown passes in the rout.

San Diego did make things exciting in the final seconds by driving toward a touchdown that would have allowed them to beat the spread, but they missed out on their Great Moment in Gambling History when the final pass sailed out of bounds, thus causing great relief to those of us who weren't frightened off by the 18 1/2-point spread and wisely chose to take the 'Niners anyway. Here's a quick wrap-up:

Player of the game: Elvis Grbac, San Francisco. People may say Steve Young this and Steve Young that, but Young just can't hold the clipboard like Elvis can. Besides, by never complaining about his playing time, Grbac avoided causing a quarterback controversy like the one that sent Montana to the Chiefs, thus easing the psychological burden on Young.

Play of the game: the 80-yard touchdown reception by Iggy in the final seconds of Bud Bowl VII. Iggy's slick moves and size (at 5'8", he's nearly eight times the size of your average Bud Light bottle) were the key to pulling out Bud's 2624 victory, and were certainly more exciting than anything seen in the real game.

Best Camera Work: Late in the fourth quarter, as Stan Humphries dropped back to pass, the camera cut away to a view of the Forty-Niners dumping the Gatorade container on George Seifert (is anybody else sick of this?). When the view reverted back to the field, San Diego had scored.

And that's it for the NFL season. The second half of the column isn't really a column at all, but the track article I promised to write. We'll get to the review of Friday's track meet after a word from our sponsor.

The Word from our Sponsor

abscond (v.): to depart secretly and hide oneself.

Men's Track

The MIT track team held a rare Friday meet at Johnson Athletic Center last week and came away still undefeated. The Engineers set a New England record for team score with an incredible 321 points, and improved their record to 60 by defeating Colby College (117 points), Westfield State (91) and Fitchburg State (25).

MIT jumped out to a large lead by dominating the field events. John Wallberg '96 started things off by winning the 35 lb. weight throw with a toss of 51 feet 7 3/4 inches. Wallberg also won the shot put, with Keith Bevans '95 right behind in second. Also scoring in the throws were Michael Butville '98, Wade Morehead '98, and Mark Eichler '97.

In the jumping events, co-captain Andy Ugarov '95 was untouchable, winning the long jump, high jump, and the triple jump (it must be the pretzels). With the backing of Hung Hoang '96, Bo Light '96 (that's right, I'm talking about myself in the third person), Lincon Bonner '97, Dennis Dougherty '98, and Jesus Muniz '98, MIT took 66 of a possible 81 points in the jumps. Freddy Hernandez '95, Mike Demassa '97, Jason Melvin '97, and Eric Empey '98 rounded out the field events by taking four of the top five places in the pole vault.

The Engineers continued to dominate as the focus turned to the running events. Malik King '95 was the star for MIT in the sprints, finishing second in both the 55- and 200-meter dashes. Muniz and Akin Aina '95 also placed in both events, and Joe Figueroa '96 and Marlon Osbourne '98 also scored in the sprints.

The hurdlers were not so fortunate, as only Colin Page '95 was able to make the finals. Bonner and Light both scored, but the hurdles became the only event (except for one relay) in which MIT was outscored. Edgar Ngwenya '96 and Marcelo Targino '96 went 1-2 in the 400, with Osbourne a few paces behind in sixth.

In the 500-meter run, John Kim '98, Frank Benham '97, and James Lee '98 finished third through fifth, and Joel Ford '98 survived a fall at the start to place eighth. Ethan Crain '95 was caught near the end of the 800, but Eric Nicholson '98, Chris Schell '96, and Scott Deskin '96 all added points as MIT continued to build a lead through the middle distance events.

Things were grim for the opposition in the distance events as well, as the top runners from MIT's nationally-ranked cross-country team stepped to the track. Karl Munkelwitz '95, Jesse Darley '95, Jon Tong '98, and Tarek Saleh '95 took four of the top five places in the 1,000-meter run. The carnage continued in the mile, as Crain, Darley, and Munkelwitz teamed with Rich Rosales '98 to sweep the event.

Josh Feldman '97, Arnold Seto '96, Dan Helgessen '97, and Omar Saleh '97 finished things off by taking four scoring places in the 3,000-meter run. After two relays, MIT had the most lopsided victory in New England track history.

This week, the Engineers host the Coast Guard Academy, as well as Westfield State (again) and Worcester State, Saturday at 1 p.m. We're favored by 19 1/2 points, and I'll be happy to take bets against the spread.

Trivia Question

In an effort to highlight the shortcomings of America's Pastime (the one currently on strike, remember?), I offer up this question. Who was the last actual Commissioner of Baseball? (Bud Selig is Acting Commissioner and is not a correct answer) If anyone can remember, send the answer to sports@the-tech. Correct answers will win nothing (it's kind of like sending in your Publisher's Clearinghouse entry).

Answer to last week's question: The Detroit Red Wings have not won the Stanley Cup since 1955. Despite the fact that Sports Illustrated ran an article on this the day after the question was published, the only correct answer came from Adam Gould '98, who is either well-read or a die-hard Red Wings fan (I'm guessing the former). See you next week.