Gaggle Cops Tech's 115th Managing BoardSpecial to The Tech
An editorial junta seized control of The Tech during Saturday's election of the 115th Managing Board. The coup began amid allegations of ballot box stuffing in the (more than) unanimous election of Garlen C. "Lusty" Leung '95 as iron-fisted despot, or Chairman.
Leung was promptly showered - or, more properly, developed - in the darkroom sink in celebration of his victory. Puffing on a cigar in his camouflaged uniform, Leung promised he would lead the new regime to a productive and prosperous future.
Sparks began to fly as the two young capos of the "family," Daniel C. "Fabio" Stevenson '97 and Ramy A. "Pickle Boy" Arnaout '97, jockeyed for the editor in chief position of the four-member news junta.
Following their speeches and questions from the assembled mafiosi, outgoing chairman Jeremy "Premature Death" Hylton G restored order and the two up-and-comers were exiled to a remote desert island and forced to amuse themselves for several years by reading ancient issues of The Tech.
The board, racked with indecision after hours of discussion, voted for refreshments rather than leadership, and sent Michelle "O.J." Sonu '96 on a raiding mission to the nearby capitalist enclave LaVerde's market. After feasting on the plunder of Nutter Butters and Smartfood, the board reconvened and chose Stevenson as editor in chief. Shortly thereafter, with a record one-word speech, Arnaout was elected executive editor.
The geriatric contingent of the junta consists of Hylton and Sarah Y. "Am I losing my hair?" Keightley '95. Hylton, who will be Technology Director when he is not editing, promised to procure high-tech weaponry to bolster the regime's power. Keightley, who returns to the job of News Editor, pledged to write only one in every twelve issues by herself, down from one in three.
Secret CIA operative Jimmy "Carter" Wong '97, working to boost flagging American arms sales, assumed control of the Production Army as Managing Editor. Wong vowed to strictly enforce deadlines with firing squads of prod coolies whenever news is late. However, he strenuously denied rumors that he planned to sell border tape on the black market to finance Michael Huffington's 1996 presidential bid.
Syed Abid "Injured Reserve" Rizvi '96 will coordinate the cartel's money laundering operations as Business Manager. He was last seen leaving Cali in his Learjet, accompanied by Advertising Manager Jin "Central" Park '96 and Operations Manager Anna "Banana" E. Lee '97.
All three promised to continue the revenue enhancing strategies of retiring Chief Money Launderer Pradeep "I met Jason Priestley" Sreekanthan '95, who will advise them from his new palace nestled in a hidden valley of the Indian subcontinent.
In recognition of his skills with a bicycle pump and collecting outstanding debts for The Tech, the board elected Oscar "Delinquent" Yeh '95 as contributing editor. Yeh promised to train new staffers in his special collection and persuasion technqiues.
Sonu, the departing managing editor, and Teresa "Mona Lisa" Lee '96 assumed the responsibilities of Knight Editors with a pledge to strictly enforce the no-gossip rule among the troops. Anyone caught spreading scuttlebut will be forced to watch all the episodes of every Aaron Spelling show ever produced.
Veteran Night Editor Matthew E. "Bladerunner" Konosky '95 will join the pair with his powerful X-acto knife. Greek arms magnate Dan "Well" Dunn '94 failed in a takeover bid of the army but was promoted to Associate Night Editor by Sonu.
The remaining elections flew by in no time at all as board members fought over who could vote "yes" the most frequently and the most often. At one point, Hylton managed to multiplex the elections so one candidate was making a speech as the vote count was tallied from the previous election.
Political policy of the new regime will be guided by incumbent Opinion Editor Anders "Action" Hove '96. Dr. Hove will be ably assisted by Raajnish A. "Horny UA Feeb" Chitaley '95, who brings to the board valuable experience with dictatorial bureaucracies.
The troops will be kept in tip top shape by Generalissimos and Sports Editors Papa Doc Daniel "Agassi" Wang '97 and Baby Doc Eva "It's just business" Moy '95, who returns from a semester out to pasture.
Arts Editor Scott "At least twice a week" Deskin '96 will provide the new regime with its arts and entertainment. Deskin, who dozed several times during the meeting, said he planned to return to a regular sleep schedule by forcing political dissidents to compile On The Town.
Renowned marksmen Thomas R. "Country" Karlo '97 and Sharon N. "Hiccup" Young Pong '96 missed their re-election as photography editors because they were out shooting people. Both promised to continue the photography department's friendly relationship with MIT sororities.
Veteran dictators V. "BGB" Michael Bove '83, Thomas T. "Tex" Huang '86, and Robert E. "Real Drag" Malchman '85 will continue their service as advisers on covert operations. Josh "Lame"Hartmann '93 and Reuven M. "M-x" Lerner '92 round out the advisory board and will continue to read their e-mail on Tech computers.
Following the virtually bloodless coup the new board adjourned for a sumptuous feast at the Royal East restaurant, courtesy of the newspaper's large Swiss bank accounts. Rumors that The Tech's largess was funded by a tabloid printer pages for hostages swap with the Thistle were swiftly quashed by the junta.