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Hornet Has Best Mascot Dunk

Column by Mike Duffy and Andrew Heitner
Sports Columnists

Julio Cesar Chavez was particularly merciless in his five-round destructive championship bout versus Greg Haugen last Saturday night in the Grand Slam of Boxing. Julio, Don King's only current pawn worth a dime, knocked down Haugen within 30 seconds of the first round and could have taken him out at any time but instead dragged the punishment on for five rounds before getting the TKO. This allowed the 130,000 fans to get a longer look at their Mexican hero and for Chavez to showcase his talents so that more of his fights can be high-grossing events. Furthermore, it showed that all the pre-fight talk about how Chavez didn't like Haugen's comments about Mexicans must have been more than hype, because Haugen was beaten worse than Billy Ray Cyrus at the Grammy's...

Despite being the best All-Star Game in recent memory, we think this mid-season classic needs some refinement. Because the game is supposed to provide excitement for both the fans and players, why not let the fans cast their ballots and choose their six favorite players in each conference. The coaches will then round out each roster with six picks of their own. Immediately before the start of the game, the leading vote-getter for each squad goes to half-court in order to choose up sides from the remaining 22 players. The winner of rock-paper-scissors gets first pick, while the loser gets to decide if his team will be shirts or skins. Not only will this simulate playground ball more accurately, but it will also allow Eastern and Western Conference All-Stars to play together (outside of the Dream Team, of course), while exposing the physique of the Mailman, tan lines on Mullin, and the love handles of Brad Daugherty.

What business do Shaq and second-year man Larry Johnson have in complaining that Pat Riley did not play them enough. Do they think that they deserve it more than Ewing and Daugherty, players who have been around the block a few times and have put their respective teams in a position to dethrone the world champion Bulls? ..

Although the All-Star game is a very worthwhile program, it is hypocritical to see Jordan, Shawn Kewp, Isiah, and the Shaq take part in activities associated with the "Stay in School" program as none of the above mentioned finished off their college careers...

The mascot dunk competition was far more exciting than the players, with the Charlotte Hornet winning for the third straight year, highlighted by a high flyin', gravity mystifyin', slam bam jam through his legs in your face, rim sittin' woof By the way, can anyone tell us what the hell that was dressed up in a Indiana Pacer uniform?...

The smog down there in La La Land must be really bad these days because, to begin with, the Lakers traded Sam Perkins to Seattle for the burden of carrying Benoit "Balls" Benjamin and the rights to Doug Christie. Now the Paper Clips are looking to move Gary Grant, Loy Vaught, and a first round pick to the Motor City for Dennis Rodman. If Larry Brown thinks Danny Manning is a problem child, his reaction to a trade bringing Rodman to Los Angeles would be similar to that of MIT students hearing about the LSC ticket price increase...

Meatball Mike's ignorance deserves much more than the Gem award this week. In the same column, Madden complained that ticket prices at the Garden were too high and griped about the Bruins not shelling out the bucks to bring in quality free agents. This is a common contradiction among sportswriters. As businessmen the owners deserve to make a profit, while the players are entitled to making the most money they can. As long as there are sellouts at the Garden, however, ticket prices will continue to be at least 45 clams. If fans in any sport are upset about ridiculous player salaries and high ticket prices, then they should boycott games, sending a stronger message to the owners than a "Be Like" Mike editorial...

It is time to give some respect to one of the most underrated sportscasters in the business, ESPN's Dan Patrick. Dan has developed a cult following in his 11:30 edition of Sportscenter. His subtle comments ("For those of you scoring at home, or for those of you alone..."), descriptive phrases ("Reggie with the kiss..."), and colorful nicknames (Brad "Vanilla Gorilla" Lohaus) make him the third best announcer on ESPN, behind Chris Berman and Dicky V...

"Flub" of the week

To all of those Cowgirls who took part in the WFR World Championship bull riding competition in Tulsa last weekend. It is one thing for anyone to imitate John Travolta and the Urban Cowboy, but to get onto a 2,000-pound bull, secure your hand tightly between the bull's back and a rope, and then ride the thing is purely insane. These girls were getting thrown off of the bull in about a second, but they did not hit the ground because they couldn't free their left hand from the rope. Instead they were tossed around like a sack of potatoes until the clowns could free them. There must be some real proud papa's out there.

Simson's top five

1. Indiana

2. Michigan

3. North Carolina

4. Kentucky

5. Arizona

From Stephen Chan '95, "I agree that Indiana is having a great year in the Big Ten. But we can't forget that No. 2 (now No. 4) Kentucky defeated them in January on a neutral floor. ."

You Heard it Here First

Red Sox manager, Butch Hobson, will get the ax sometime in June. Lou "Stormin' " Gorman will then hire cronie Bobby Valentine, currently scouting for the Reds, as his replacement.

Race For Futility

Dallas: 4-46

San Jose: 8-51-2

From Dan Moriarity G, "Although the San Jose Sharks are a terrible hockey team, they boast the largest selling sports memorabilia of any team. Their snazzy logo looks great on T-shirts, sweaters, hats, etc. In fact in some places its hard to get a hold of a Sharks shirt." Have they tried San Francisco? The Mavs' magic number is down to 11.

Globe Gem of the Week

What does an All-Star performer say to a dweeby sportswriter? How about this from Bo Jackson to The King of the Dweebe, Donut Dan: "Don't mess with me while I'm working...Don't even look at me while I'm working."

Where Are They Now?

From Bo Light '96, "While all of these people have disappeared from the ranks of the NBA [see last week's "Where Are They Now?"], one has not faded out of existence altogether. Steve Alford, whose 1990-91 basketball card I have. . . is now the men's basketball coach at Manchester (Ill.) College.

MIT TWIB Notes

The men's volleyball team cruised past SUNY-New Paltz last weekend in 3 sets. The Beavers were led by Miguel "Death" Valle '93 and the spunky play of Michael "Marky Mark" Miller '94... The men's swimming team is currently ranked fifth in New England... Hats off to the women's basketball team who, despite only having seven or eight players at a time, managed to stay together and hung tough throughout the season.

Trivia Question of The Week

Who was the last junior to win the Naismith award as the NCAA men's basketball player of the year? Send in answers and comments to sports<\ Larry Nance, who edged out Dr. J.. Kudos to Erik Abernathy '93, Eugeno Torres '93 (two-time winner), Keith Conger G, and Andy Gale G, who were the first four to answer it correctly. They win "Let's Argue" T-Shirts, once we make them up and get them paid for. Congrats also to Andy Scott '95, Paul Mashikian '95, and Raja Jindal '95, who also answered it correctly. Their prize is the distinction of beating Ma and Aponte...

Ramblings From the 'Tute

From our England correspondent, Dave Steel G, "The big news from Limeyland is the soccer game between England and San Marino which was played last week. No, that's not the name of a California winery, but a small country inside Italy. With a population of just 25,000 people, there were twice as many in the stadium in London to see the game than there are in the whole country of San Marino. The English tabloids were not impressed by the England performance who won the game 6-0."

Frank DiFilippo writes: "The winner of the first NBA slam dunk contest was Larry Nance (then of the Phoenix Suns).... He has to be one of the most underrated players in the league: every year, the Sporting News computer ranking system lists him as one of the top power forwards in the league. By the way, even at his age, he can still jump out of the building."

From Jay Youngclaus G: "First NBA Slam-Dunk Champ: Larry Nance, then with the Phoenix Suns, 1984. First Slam-Dunk Champ of all-time: ABA held contest sometime in the mid-1970's also in McNichols Arena. The Final was a dunk-a-thon between Dr. J and David "Skywalker" Thompson, with the good Doctor winning with his famous full-court run and dunk after taking off from the foul line. His foot was less over the line than Jordan's when he did it in Chicago Stadium in 1987. Correction, John Lucas's drug rehab center is in Houston, he bought a team in minor league basketball that was located in Miami (Miami Tropics). Also questionable is whether he revived Lloyd "Don't call me World B." Daniels, since Tarkanian is the one who gave him a shot in the NBA and College for that matter."