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Gaggles Cops Tech's 114th Managing Board

Special to The Tech

Security was tight outside The Tech offices on Saturday afternoon: State Department agents and CIA operatives stood guard as outgoing Chairman Matthew H. "182 Countries, 182 Columns" Hersch '94 returned to The Tech for the election of its 114th Managing Board.

Hersch had been living in hiding since a death sentence was issued for him by the government of Singapore for a column he wrote about that country's human rights violations. Since the column appeared, Hersch has changed majors twice and lived in basement Athena clusters, moving only when his Kerberos tickets expired.

The board remained mired in a foreign policy quagmire as it considered candidates with strong ties to Ireland and Hong Kong to be Hersch's successor. Evidently the board felt recent developments in Ulster signaled greater stability there than in soon-to-be-Chinese Hong Kong, and thus elected Jeremy "Already on my second beer" Hylton '94.

Hylton promised to focus more on U2 and Guinness and leave editorial duties to the new Editor in Chief Eva "Squeeze Box" Moy '95. In an effort to attend classes and sleep at least six nights a week, Moy has arranged to completely digitize her life and sleep only on the rising edge of the clock.

Moy was elected on the same clock cycle as her accomplice, Executive Editor Sarah Y. "Not write all the stories?" Keightley '95. The couple introduced the Moy-Keightley Pre-Nuptial Power-Sharing Plan.

Keightley, sacrificing yet another year's worth of Strat's Rat concerts, promised to assist Moy by single-handedly writing every third issue. Sensing a the possibility overload for Moy, Hersch arranged for a week-long stay in a Swiss mountain retreat over the summer months, when she will hand the reigns of power over to Keightley and retire to Executive Editorhood.

Emerging next from the Devil's Playpen, Benjamin A. "Don't take this personally" Tao G strengthened his iron grip on the business office and was elected to a second term as Business Manager. Tao was elected just one month after preventing the Business Manager's salary from being cancelled, but sources close to Tao said his real motive was to maintain his position above the new business staff.

Rounding out the East Asian power ring, Michelle "Freestyle" Sonu '96 brought Korea into the Security Council of The Tech as Managing Editor. As the Board discussed Sonu's willingness to slave in the production shop, Hersch displayed the literary and poetic prowess he has developed in hiding, sending Sonu "into the gorge of eternal peril."

As the election of the Executive Board drew to a close, the security perimeter was breached by UA Finance Board officers trying to smuggle secret Bush Fund receipts into The Tech offices. Concerned about the long-term safety of Hersch and the possibility of IRA bombing attacks, the Board elected CIA operative Hyun Soo "Secret Agent" Kim '96, disguising her as a news editor. Kim promised to maintain her cover by regularly news editing issues.

Narrowly escaping capital punishment, Mike "Easy, Easy" Chung '94 was instead sentenced to another term as Opinion Editor. He promised revenge by replacing all editorial comics with Jim's Journal.

Jousting for the title of Knight Editor, Garlen C. "Where are my shoes?" Leung '95, "Mother" Teresa Lee '96, and Matthew E. "Origami" Konosky '95 all rode to victory. The Three Musketeers rode into the late hours of the night driven by the motto, "All for one, and one for prod munchies."

Fleeing the position of sports editor with the speed of a fresh spring zephyr, Ann Ames "Street" '94 was elected arts editor. Joining her at the arts desk will be J. Michael "Pick a name" Andresen '94. Andresen could not be present, but was instead channeled his presence through Hylton.

Also absent from the meeting was Photography Editor Josh "My lens is bigger than yours" Hartmann '93. Hartmann, who was hob-nobbing with James Russell Wiggins "" and Katherine Graham, was re-elected to a solo term of sniffing chemicals in the Tech darkroom.

Pradeep "Hoser" Sreekantahn '95 was elected to the post of Advertising Manager, largely on because of his promise stop giving Hewlett-Packard and IBM the student discount rate. Sreekanthan, though, sent shivers running down the spines of Tech softball afficianados when he suggested that the Wild Turkeys enter a summer cricket league.

As the meeting drug on a cruel eternity, the Managing Board considered supplicants to enter the Wasteland of The Tech, the land of Contributing Editors.

Recently freed from the shackles of assistant news editorship, Eric "Meister" Richard '95 was granted entrance, along with Hersch and "General" Yueh Z. Lee '95. Lee, who suffered a crushing defeat to enemy forces at the Battle of Rushdie Photos, was rewarded for his bravery with an honorable discharge from the position of Photography Editor. Rounding out the entrances into the Wasteland, Vipul "Speedo" Bhushan G was elected Senior Editor.

Finally, the Board elected its old-but-not-yet-senile Advisory Board members, who always give good advice and help put out an issue every once in a while: Robert E. "You'll have the letter next week" Malchman '85, Reuven M. "Chest pains" Lerner '92, Thomas T. "Time" Huang '86, V. Michael "Can't anyone use the stat cam?" Bove '83, and Jonathan "Q."E.D. "Penis envy" Richmond PhD '91.