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Hamoudi Fixes Bud Bowl V to Frustrate Vix

Column by Mike Duffy and Andrew Heitner
Sports Columnists

Ah, the wonders of science. Once again, an NBA team has managed to make a mockery of one of the league's "rules." On Monday, the Celtics were forced to make a decision regarding the status of CBA journeyman Lorenzo Williams who has been a surprisingly good rebounder for the Celts. The C's had to either cut him or sign him to a guaranteed contract for the rest of the year and find someone else to go on the disabled list. But who? The question was answered when team doctors revealed that they just discovered a "hidden" break in the thumb of forward Marcus Webb, the same thumb that has been broken for six weeks. This situation parallels the phantom "salary cap," a cap in which every team magically comes under on the balance sheet at the end of the year...

Now that the Big Show is over, we can focus our full attention on the Pro Bowl. The only justification for this frolic is so the NFL players, management, administrators, and clients can spend a week in the Aloha State. The fan interest is minimal at best. Football is not a game that can be played at half speed and be entertaining (unlike basketball, hockey, and baseball). Besides, the best quarterbacks don't play, the season is over, and the fans don't pick players. Add all that to the fact that we are shivering in 10-degree weather and the game is played on Saturday night on a bikini-clad island and you'll realize why ESPN's only draw for the game is that Chris Berman is doing it. ESPN will draw as many people to the screens for this clash as it did for the Australian Open...

Don't you love how five minutes after Buffalo loses the game, the experts in the media were calling for a dismantling of the Bill(l)s. Not only did they call for an end to the no-huddle offense that they predicted would give the `Boyz fits in favor of NFC East power football, but also called for the ouster of some of the vets who got them to the show; for example, Darryl Talley. The fact is they played the NFC tough this year (4-0, wins at San Francisco and New Orleans), were three feet away from a Super Bowl win in 1990, and are just as likely to be the runner-up in the Super Bowl next year as any other AFC team...

Speaking of Super Bowl XXV, we'd like to see the lords of the NFL revert to going back to having the Super Bowl one week after the championship games. The two weeks gets teams too nervous or too prepared and results in blowouts like the last two years. The only one who gets nervous with one week off is Scott Norwood...

Other Super Bowl notes: How did 31 Dallas Morning News reporters and 17 Buffalo journalists make it to Pasadena when your humble scribes couldn't even represent The Tech? How could Jackie Smith enjoy the pre-game show with his family and friends when almost 30 minutes and 10 camera angles were dedicated to his dropped catch in Super Bowl XIII? It's our suspicion that Bud Bowl V was fixed and (to save face) Haider A. Hamoudi '93 had a hand in it.

If Vegas is taking odds on the Bowe-Dokes fight tomorrow, they shouldn't be since there is no way Riddick will lose. On the surface Bowe is a much better fighter than Dokes, who has as much right to be in the ring for a title bout as Homer Simpson does. Beyond that, Bowe's gentle-giant personality, a la Shaquille O'Neal, goes over well on all the talk shows, from Arsenio to Dick Cavett. Finally, he has already planned a world tour for late February with stops in Somalia (to visit the troops) and Rome (for a private audience with the Pope, currently ranked 10th by the WBC in the super-duper-welterweight division). Bowe will not lose in New York, smart money on Riddick in five.

You Heard It Here First

Free agent defensive end Reggie White will not join the Redskins next year but will follow former coach Buddy Ryan to the House of Pain down in Houston...

(We heard it here first) Eric Oliver G wrote to us way back on Nov. 24 prophesizing a Dallas Super Bowl win over the Bills. Eric is top dog on campus now.

Race For Futility

Ottawa 5-45-6

Dallas 3-36

The Cowboys won as many playoff games as the Mavs have won all season, while the Senators win total is equivalent to the number of rollerbladers ticketed in the infinite corridor on the first day of the semester by the CP's.

Flub of the Week

To Dallas reserve lineman, Leon Lett, who disregarded our cardinal rule of football -- never carry the ball like a loaf of bread -- as he lumbered towards the end zone after picking up a fumble. By allowing Don Beebe to strip the ball from him he caused agony to many frustrated defensive linemen whose dream is to score a touchdown in the Super Bowl and robbed millions of viewers of the chance to see Lett put Wreckx-N-Effect's "Rump Shaker" video to shame.

Globe Gem Of The Week

Michael Madden provides us with the inaugural fodder for this feature. In The Boston Globe, Jan. 31, 1993, Madden said of the Rose Bowl: "The pure symmetry of form and function can be felt deep in the soul just walking through one of its portals."

Simson's Top 5

1. Indiana

2. Kentucky

3. Duke

4. Kansas

5. North Carolina

Where Are They Now?

Former major league pitchers: Rudy May, Jack Billingham, Pedro Borbon, Terry Forster, Steve Renko, Charlie Kerfeld, Joe Sambito, Gene Garber, Pat Zachary, Dick Tidrow, and Ron Davis.

Trivia Question of the Week

Who is the only player to win Super Bowl rings with three different teams (Hint: He did it with the Raiders, 49ers, and Redskins)? Send your answers to sports@the-tech.

Answer to last week's question: The Miami Dolphins who participated in the Super Bowl in 1972, 1973, and 1974. Congrats to Alex Medina '93 who got it right. He wins a free drink and stogie with his favorite scribes at next year's 113th annual Tech banquet.

MIT TWIB Notes

Come cheer on the men's and women's basketball teams as they participate in a roundball double dip in Rockwell Cage starting at 2 p.m. tomorrow. The men's team is led into battle by Mico "Suave" Perales '93 and Gi Chang '96 while the women are led by Mari Cassenberg '94...

It was a mighty day for all sports teams last Saturday as the track, squash, wrestling, air riflery (led by Kai "Peashooter" Chaing '93), and women's basketball teams all won. Keep up the good work!