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Cult Leader to Surrender to Federal Agents

Column by Matthew H. Hersch
Executive Editor

WACO, TEXAS April 8, 2013 (AP)

With the standoff between Federal agents and the members of a religious cult approaching its 8,000th day, negotiators from the Federal Bureau of Lunatics say they are nearing a final settlement with the group's leader, musician and divine mouthpiece, David Koresh.

Koresh, who claims not only to be Jesus Christ but to own a pair of his underwear, is believed to have suffered serious emotional strain from the events of the past weak and may now be willing to surrender to authorities assembled outside the 77-acre compound.

FBL Director Oswell Hossenffefer made this announcement in press conference late Thursday evening, amidst a flurry of applause. According to Hossenffefer, Koresh has indicated his desire to leave the compound and has requested that federal agents provide him with a map of Tibet and "suitcase large enough to hold a three naked women and a guitar."

Missile attack successful

According to Hossenffefer, Wednesday's dramatic cruise missile attack on the compound should be credited for the latest negotiation breakthrough. Of the 44 Tomahawk II missiles fired from the guided missile cruiser USS Homosexual, almost half of them landed somewhere in Texas, a success rate one Navy spokesman described as "neato."

Most of the missiles, according to the spokesmen, landed on the Al Rashid hotel in Baghdad. Koresh, who was later discovered to have kept a room at the Middle Eastern resort, was reportedly traumatized by news of its destruction, and appealed to the federal agents for a settlement soon after hearing of the attack.

President pleased

News of the breakthrough was received warmly by President Clinton, who hoped that Koresh's surrender would end the bloody confrontation that has raged between federal agents and Koresh's followers. The standoff, which has lasted twenty years and has resulted in the loss of 3,000 men, 48 helicopters, fifteen B-52 bombers, and the battleship Wisconsin, has already cost American taxpayers an average of $2 million.

Despite the news of impending settlement, though, the President reiterated her support for House Resolution 1462, which would mandate the forcible expulsion of Texas from the Union, and provide for the construction of a moat on the present Texas-Oklahoma border.

Said Clinton, "We just can't take another chance with Texas."

Hossenffefer deflects criticism

The hope of success in the David Koresh cult case has bolstered Congressional support for the FBL's management of the Koresh crises, which has been under increasing fire since the abortive FBL offensive last March. During the press conference, Hossenffefer also answered questions about the raid, categorically rejecting claims that the March raid, a frontal assault by Federal cavalry and archers on the thirty mile network of trenches, machine gun nests and barbed wire protecting the compound, suffered from poor planning.

"What can we say? It looked really good on paper," Hossenffefer mumbled. "All that matters is that we've now finally turned the tide."

Koresh to consult The Lord

Koresh, who is expecting to surrender on Friday, requested FBL agents refrain from bothering him Thursday evening so that he could consult with God, whom he has been unable to reach since February.

Said Koresh in a recent interview, "It's not [God's] fault. He's just turned off his beeper. He may be detained, or in the midst of a bowel movement. I'll call him again when he's finished."

Koresh is expected to surrender Friday evening.