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Gaggle Cops Election of 113th Tech Managing Board

Special to The Tech

Just off the pasture -- the gaggle has grabbed the inside scoop on elections for The Tech's 113th managing board. The smell of freshly cut grass and newly laid manure rose from the newsroom as new blood was brought in and old blood was sent to a variety of dairy farms.

Crawling out of the darkroom with a nosebleed from freebasing Dektol, Douglas "doo<+>45<+>g" D. Keller '93 snorted up an election as chairman. His height and stylish tie working in his favor, Keller wowed the voters with tales of his affair with the outgoing chairman, Josh Hartmann '93.

To the joy of the MCI billing department, The Tech called Jeremy "Kiss my Blarney Stone" Hylton '94 in Dublin to obtain his responses to the mass of questions accumulating in the meeting room. Naturally, as soon as MCI began collecting its $1.50 a minute, the questions dried up, leading to the lamest transcontinental phone call in history. The managing board decided to replace the fine editor in chief it usually serves with dark, sparkling Folger's crystals, and so elected Hylton to the prestigious position over his non-existent competitors.

Benjamin A. "Tic Tac" Tao '93 returned from the green, green grass of contributing editorship to become business manager, a position renowned for how often its holders are seen cruising around in new cars. Tao, who was last seen contentedly chewing his cud, vowed that The Tech would have the financial resources to purchase MIT by the end of his term in office.

Garlen "W20-483"C. Leung '95 leapt up before the crowd to do an excited song and dance before finally calming down enough to give a speech. In Chinese. The board was so impressed that it elected him to the position of managing editor, effectively insuring that his head will explode before 1993 is through. He vowed to increase the amount of time he spends at The Tech, a promise several physicists in the room calculated could only occur if he continuously moved at 0.99c.

A Campus Police escort brought Matthew H. "Are armored personnel carriers a personal transportation system?" Hersch '94 and two dozen donuts to the election arena for his speech. In his term as executive editor, Hersch plans to annex several small Eastern European countries for the use of The Tech's production department, which is suffering from a lack of Serbs (and Croats, for that matter).

With that, the creation of the first all-male Executive Board in recent memory was over. The election of Eva "I'll write that story... I have nothing else to do" Moy '95, Sarah Y."ask why" Keightley '95, Karen "Jerry" Kaplan '93, and Katherine "I'm such a spaz" Shim '93 to the four news editor slots swung the gender pendulum back in the other direction.

Vipul "Microbe proof" Bhushan G and Matthew E. "Really, I do feel pain in my legs" Konosky '95 became knight editors, successfully fighting off the cud-chewing urge for at least another year. Promising to follow in the Post-It noting, hockey-playing, anal tradition of old man Peter, the new knighteds were last seen waiting for Brian to finish a story.

In a contest only slightly more thrilling than watching mildew grow, Bill "Go Sigma K -- I do" Jackson '93 became opinion editor again. Immediately after his election, Jackson began twitching and expanding. As a horrified managing board looked on, Jackson underwent mitotic division. Each of the newly-formed Jacksons began to cackle hysterically, screaming, "It worked! It worked!" Hersch, seeing the implications of this, quickly drew a Heckler & Koch 9mm automatic pistol and slew one of the hideous Jacksons, averting a global crisis.

The election of Lynn "I don't really care" Albers '92 and Haider A. "Get me the hell out of the biz office" Hamoudi '93 to the position of sports editor brought unheard-of resources to that department, which in recent years has had trouble telling its behind from its elbow. Distant mooing sounds could be heard just over the horizon.

After whining over the fact that Chairman-elect doo<+>45<+>g had omitted his department from a nearly-comprehensive survey of The Tech, Chris "***" Roberge '93 was re-elected to the position of arts editor, following in the left-leaning footsteps of Deborah A. Levinson '91. Roberge promised that, if elected, The Tech would never again refer to anything starring Steven Seagal as a "film."

A representative of the Delta Shuttle called up to personally congratulate Josh "Take my job... and my girlfriend... Bill already has" Hartmann '93 on his election to the position of photography editor. With this election, Hartmann traded positions with doo<+>45<+>g for the first time (outside their bedrooms, that is).

In a stampede rivaling that of the Great Dogie Drive of 1924, several members of The Tech's 112th Executive Board broke free of their pens and headed for the high ground of contributing editor. With a cowbell 'round his neck and grass stuffed in his mouth, Brian "Don't doze and drive" Rosenberg '93 literally mooooooooooooooooed his way into the job. Jadene M. "Clip those coupons" Burgess '93 got herself a Coke, sat back in a comfy chair, and enjoyed her election. Michael J. "Smithers" Franklin '88 surprisingly threw his pen to the masses and invited everyone to "come back to my place and get loaded" after his successful bid for the post. David A. "Chocolate" Maltz '93 put on his helmet and butted his head against the wall several times before being subdued and told that he would no longer have to be managing editor. Really.

Like a hurricane blown by a southern wind, Aaron "Nod now" Belenky '96 was crowned Advertising Manager, following a monarchical line begun many ages ago by the great King Russ, who went to pasture so long ago his legs are green. Thankfully, the Federal Express envelope crown fit the new king well.

Rounding out the election festivities, Reuven M. "One column per issue" Lerner sort of '92, Deborah A. "Just call me Marie" NonElvis '91, V. Michael "Junior" Bove '83, Jonathan E. D. "Haven't I sued you somewhere before?" Richmond PhD '91, Bill "You want a case of Granny Smiths with that?" Coderre '85, Jon "Da do ron ron" von Zelowitz '81, Thomas T. "I'm wight, you're" Huang '87, and Robert E. "pro bono" Malchman '85 were elected to The Tech's advisory board, an organization whose function is as nebulous as its members are aged.

A mere six hours after they began, the hardy Tech staffers retired to a complementary dinner at Camridge's finest Asian establishment, the Royal East. Among the unusual fortunes received were "A mushy cowpaddy is a sign of prosperity" and "Your contributions to the greenhouse effect will increase in the coming year."