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Let's Argue -- Deal Herschel Walker to the Patsies

Column by Mike Duffy

and Andrew Heitner

Sports Columnists

The front office management of the Yankees and the Cubs must be bowling partners. First the Cubs whined about realignment, and now the Bronx Bombers are trying to nullify the expansion draft, in which they lost 3B Charlie "Willie Mays" Hayes. The only thing that keeps the Yankees from reaching the level of incompetence of the Indians and Patsies is that they have enough money to buy free agents to cover the horrible moves made by Gene "Twit" Michaels (although Danny Tartabull and Jesse Barfield don't quite do it). A team that boasts Steve "Snow" Howe as its closer should be worried about other things besides trying to change the rules of the game when they don't like the results...

Why are the Eagles not the championship team that most thought they would be? The cynical scribes in the City of Brotherly Love (as well as of Tubesteaks and Cream Cheese) fail to acknowledge the significance of the losses of Jerome Brown and Keith "Oh Nellie!" Jackson, both of whom were All-Pros last year. Brown was the leader of a great defensive line, while Jackson was the favorite target of Randall Cunningham.

Combine these reasons with what your humble scribes have realized to be The Herschel Factor. Bad luck seems to have followed Herschel "Jay" Walker throughout his career. He left Georgia after his junior season to join the USFL, which failed three years later. He moved on to the Cowboys and Vikings, turning playoff teams into cellar dwellers. Both teams, now cleansed of Walker, are back atop their respective divisions. Philly ought to deal Walker to the Patsies or 'Doves, teams which are in no danger of climbing out of the basement this century...

Speaking of former members of Donald Trump's New Jersey Generals, Doug "Skin" Flutie is still regarded by his loyal Boston followers, like Bob "Onion Ring" Ryan, as the best QB in North America. Granted, Flutie does have great stats and 2 Grey Cup wins (with 2 different teams) to go with his great competitivenss, but he is playing in the minor leagues. Despite what Ryan may think, Skin was given ample opportunity to strut his stuff in the NFL, but soon found the players to be big and strong (unlike the cupcakes that BC faces). There also weren't enough Gerard Phelans around to cloud the coaches' eyes the same way that "The Catch" clouded the judgment of the 1984 Heisman committee -- the award should have been given to Ohio State's Keith Byars...

A shocking realization is coming from the land of the Osmonds (not Monk, Bird, and Diz), Lake Powell, and the Salt Flats. Many top basketball cognoscenti always believed Mark Eaton (a taller version of Paul "Coppertone" Mokeski) was on the floor just to occupy space (space?) on defense, stay out of Malone and Stockton's way on offense, and occasionally grab a token rebound or two. The Jazz, however, have gotten off to a slow start (6-5 at the start with 4 home losses) while Eaton is out with an injury. Utah must miss his gracefullness and fluid playing style...

Look for the NL West to be the toughest division in baseball next year, despite the presence of the Colorado Rockies. With the signings of Greg "Swiss" Swindell and Doug "Cheddar" Drabek by the Colt .45's and Barry "U.S." Bonds by the Giants, the perennial cellar dwellers (we've used that twice) have become a lot stronger. Meanwhile, the signing of John "Guy" Smiley by the Schottzies and the maturing of the young players of the Fonda-Turners have solidified the strength of the upper echelon. With the addition of the expansion teams and the "competition" from the NL East, don't be surprised if both the Redlegs and Braves win 100 games next year (assuming there is a season)...

The new NCAA Bowl Coalition is a crock. First, if Alabama had lost to Florida last Saturday, there would have been a Miami-Florida State Fiesta Bowl showdown for the mythical national championship, even though Texas A&M is undefeated and the 'Canes have already beaten the Seminoles. Now, the Mobil/NBC Cotton Bowl has disregarded the coalition by extending a bid to the Notre Dame Fighting Nielsens rather than to Florida State. This action by the Cotton Bowl probably ensures that the Aggies (the Rodney Dangerfields of college football) will move to the SEC within the next couple of years...

The sportswriters of America will ignore our vote for Garrison "Patty" Hearst and give the Heisman award to "Papa" Gino Torreta. Marshall Faulk will not win the award because he is caught in the power struggle between college football and the NFL. If Faulk was to win the award, he would likely enter the NFL draft. The NFL has vowed to fight the entrance of sophomores into the league as a concession to the NCAA, which doesn't want to see their star players (not to mention money generators) leave for the pros. Anyway, Faulk ought to live it up on the beaches of Mission Bay for another year before he moves to the slop of Foxboro...

What ever happened to barefoot kickers? Who clued them in that this practice was not chic, but downright stupid? Maybe it was the biting editorials of Michael "Meatball" Madden...

You Heard It Here First

Mike Ditka will be asked to resign (not fired) as head coach of the Chicago Bears. Mike Singletary, who is retiring at the end of this year, will have a major role in the coaching staff to be assembled next spring and will likely step up to be the fiery inspirational leader of the Monsters of the Midway in three to five years...

With the respectable play of Cincinnati rookie QB David Klinger, look for Norman "Boomer" Esiason to be reunited with old coach Sam Wyche down at the Big Sombrero in Tampa via a trade in the off-season...

Simson's Final Four

1. Kansas

2. Duke

3. Indiana

4. Arkansas

Cardinal Rules of Football

1. Never carry the ball like a loaf of bread.

2. Never miss the extra point.

3. Never take points off the board.

Pro Football Awards

Because this is the last issue of The Tech for the year, our season-ending awards and playoff predictions will appear following Week XIV.

Coach of the Year: Bill Cowher, Pittsburgh

Rookie of the Year: Ricky "Running" Watters, San Francisco

Defensive Player of the Year: Chris Doleman, Minnesota

Offensive Player of the Year: (tie) Steve Young, San Francisco and Barry Foster, Pittsburgh

Oscar Meyer Award: Deion "Prime Time" Sanders, Atlanta

Best Spikers Award: (tie) Keith Byars, Philadelphia and Tom Rathman, San Francisco

Best TD Dance: (tie) Ernest Givins, Houston and Andre "Bad Moon" Rison, Atlanta

NFL Playoff Predictions

NFC: Division Champs: Dallas, Minnesota, and San Francisco

Wild Cards: New Orleans, Philadelphia, and Washington

Round One: Norwegian-Americans clip 'Skins, while Saints shoot down the Eagles in the Crescent City.

Round Two: 'Niners pull hat trick over the Saints, while 'Boys sink Minnesota.

Championship: With 10 seconds left, Aikman rolls right, pump fakes 3 'Niner lineman into the air, and hits TE Jay Novacek in the end zone for the game winning TD at the Stick.

AFC: Division Champs: Buffalo, Pittsburgh, and San Diego

Wild Cards: Miami, Kansas City, and Cleveland

Round One: Chiefs munch Fish at Joe Robbie, while Browns bow to the Lightning Bolts.

Round Two: Defense and ground game always prevails in the playoffs. Chiefs get last Word on the Bills, while the 'Bolts get Mauled in the Steel City.

Championship: Cowher Power no match for Shottenheimer (no rhyme), as Chiefs become second team to get to Superlative Bowl as 3-games-on-the-road wild card team (Trivia: Who was the first?).

Super Bowl XXVII: Cowboys 24, Chiefs 22

This is the year of Arkansas, as Jerry Jones gets a call from his cronie in the White House, Bill Clinton. Please send your predictions to sports@the-tech. Closest prediction will win a prize and get your name in The Tech (as if that isn't enough by itself).

Trivia Question

Who was the first team to win three road games en route to the Super Bowl? Send answers to sports@the-tech.

Answer to last week's question: Andre Dawson, Adrian Dantley, and Anthony Dorsett. Due to space constraints, we can only print the first five correct answers received: Steven Ponzio G, Tim Porter '96, Prof. Carl Martland '68, Erik Norton '93, and Gary Waldman.

Where Are They Now?

NFL Kickers

Effren Herrera, Tony Fritsch, Ali Haji-Shiek, Ray Wersching, Joe Danelo, Mike Lansford, Tony Franklin, Mark Moseley, Jess Atkinson, and Uwe Von Schaumann.

MIT TWIB Notes

After a disappointing 0-4 start, the men's varsity basketball team is on a two-game winning streak. Led into battle by a dapper coaching staff, the Beavers are beginning to gel as a cohesive unit. Tri-captain Nikki "Diamond" Caruthers '95 had a stellar game in a win over Norwich, while Randy "Trigger" Hyun '95 carried the load against Gordon. "Division I" Mark Milton '93 registered the team's first dunk with a thundering one-hand tomahawk jam vs Brandeis. They round out the semester with a game tonight versus the Eastern Nazarene Biscuits at Quincy...

VIX Picks

New Year`s Bowl Games: Cotton: Notre Dame 26, Texas A&M 8. Blockbuster: Penn State 30, Stanford 24. Citrus: Ohio State 31, Georgia 30. Hall Of Shame: Tennessee 19, BC 9. Orange: Florida State 32, Nebraska 30. Rose: Michigan 24, Washington 24. Sugar: Miami 20, Alabama 10.

NFL Week XV:Chiefs 28, Patsies 0: With this shutout, Patsies scoreless streak hits 14 quarters. Head checks ordered for 19,000 die hards who witnessed the tragedy at Foxboro last Sunday... Eagles 34, Doves 2: Herschel, pitying plight of hapless 'Doves, lays down in end zone for Seattle's only score... Niners 21, Norwegian-Americans 17: Rice and Watters combine to foil grudge match for Roger "Jenny" Craig, playing for the first time against his former mates... Fish 38, Irwindale Raiders 20: Raiders up late all week watching "Not Quite Christmas" festival on WTBS... Olives 17, Packers 16: Houston's Commander Cody Carlson sends Packers back to Green Bay/Milwaukee/Madison/Racine/LaCrosse/Appleton/Stevens Point/Eau Claire/Osh Kosh/etc. with a loss... Lightning Bolts, 18 Pussy Cats 5: Cincinnati, under Corporal Klinger, spends week with your humble scribes in sensitivity class.

Last Week, 6-1. Season Record: 33-17.