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Let's Argue -- Only in the NBA Could Magic Still Be Voted an All-Star

Column by Mike Duffy

and Andrew Heitner

Sports Columnists

Two weeks into the NBA season, it looks like Shaquille O'Neill is as good as advertised. The "Love Shaq" is already leading the league in rebounding, and is 7th in scoring. He also became the first rookie to win Player of the Week honors his first week in the league. Apparently, his only Achilles heel is that he picks up too many fouls; but an executive order from David "No Relation to Howard" Stern should soon solve that problem. The NBA monarchs realize that Shaquille represents the next generation of box (box?) office draw in the post Bird/Magic era, as evidenced by the 21,000 fans who showed up to see Orlando take on the Exit 16Ws. We all know that there are not that many Nets fans alive (including those from the Piscataway days), and they did not pay to see O'Neill on the pines in foul trouble. The refs will soon enough let Shaq play by The Jordan Rules...

Adding further evidence to the notion that the NBA All-Star game is merely a showcase for the popular players from the big media markets (as it should be), the NBA All-Star ballot has been out for a week, after less than 1/20 of the season is over. According to the pre-printed ballots, the starting backcourt for the Western Conference could conceivably be Magic Johnson and Jimmy Jackson, neither of whom is currently playing. While we're on the subject of All-Star weekend, rather than the Schick Legends Game, we'd like to see the "Amtrak Journeyman's Game," which could pit the likes of Granville Waiters and Chuck Neavitt mano-a-mano...

The time has come for Marge "I should be" Schott to step down as owner of the Cincinnati Reds. Her current defense against a racial bias lawsuit is only the last in a series of transgressions against both the Reds and baseball. Not only does Marge think that KC is in their division, but she required players to visit the grave of Schottsie, her slobbering St. Bernard who often left "presents" on the field for the Reds players and management alike. Senora Tightwad's only loyalties seem to be with her pooches -- see Eric Davis and Bob "Mighty" Quinn for examples of disloyalty.

To those of you who shelled out 40 clams to see the fights on pay-per-view: Someone ought to give the William Shatner Overacting Award to "Rhino" Bob Wright for the histrionic dive he took in the second round of the fight he was winning against heavyweight pretender Michael Moorer on the undercard of Holyfield/Bowe. That main event, by the way, was the most exciting championship fight since Balboa/Creed I (just kidding, since Hagler/Hearns). Not only did your humble scribes call the outcome of the fight, but we also predicted the "trash talk" fight hyping of Bowe, who was staring down Lennox "Tough as Emmanuel" Lewis at ringside minutes after he had won the title. Talk about someone who can smell green...

Speaking of good fights, Channel 25 has one on their hands between Tom "Cooz" Heinsohn and Jimmy "Cue Ball" Myers. Former Celtic Heinsohn took the typical Bostonian stance by blaming Saturday's loss to the Knicks on, as he said, Ed "Fool" Rush and the rest of the zebras. Myers, more objective and accurate, attributed the loss to poor free throw shooting down the stretch, but was then accused by Heinsohn of not being a team player/puppet of the Celtics organization. Sort of like when Shaugnessy accuses Madden of blaming Ryan for eating the last cream-filled donut...

Why is it that punters don't aim for the "coffin corner" any more when trying to pin down the opposition deep in their own territory? Now, it seems, they try to put that special spin on the ball which allows time for one of their teammates to down the ball before it goes into the end zone (a "pooch" kick). The only result of this technique is that some third-string WLAF reject is lauded as a "scrappy hustler" for tripping over the goal line as he tries to bat the ball back into play. What else do punters have to do all week except practice hitting the coffin corner -- watch game films of the opposing punter?...

Menudo's Listo de Poder

1. Miami

2. Alabama

3. Florida St.

4. Washington

5. Harvard

Where Are They Now?

WWF Rasslers

Chief Jay Strongbow, Don Muroco, George "Animal" Steele, the Ironic Shiek, Mssrs. Fuji and Saito, Bob Backlund, "Butcher" Paul Vaschon, Junkyard Dog, and Cindy Lauper...

Race for Futility

'92 'Doves: 59 pts (5.9 ppg)

'76 Bucs : 0-14

'35 Braves: 38-115 (.248)

Winter invasions of Russia: 0-2

Patsies win leaves 'Doves in a one-horse race with history. Norwegian-American's defense has scored more TDs in last 3 games than 'Doves have all season (5). Those Boston Braves finished more games behind (61.5) than Seattle has points. 'Dovies have even punted more times than that (71)...

Trivia Question of the Week

What three Rookies of the Year in 1977 had the initials AD? Send answers to sports@the-tech.

Answer to last week's question: Howard Cosell walked away from boxing after calling the heavyweight championship fight between Larry Holmes and Randall "Tex" Cobb, in which Holmes refused to go down, even though his fists were pummeled for 15 rounds by Cobb's face. Kudos to Dan Moriarty G at the Plasma Fusion Center, who wins free skybox seats and parking passes to all MIT home basketball games...

MIT TWIB Notes

The pistol team is off to a torrid 6-1 start. They've been polishing their nice guns all week in anticipation of their match versus St. John's this weekend in NY...

The women's basketball team opens its season at Regis College this weekend, while the men's team opens on the road at Norwich. The two forces converge on Tuesday in "The Cage" with a roundball double dip starting at 6 p.m....

VIX Picks

We apologize to those of you who lost money on the first ever losing record for "the picks," but Vix was upset last week that his previous week's picks had not been published. We hope you made it up by betting the Spring Break money on the Bowe/Holyfield fight, and on the Patsies stunning victory...

Regrettably, this week's picks have also died the death of Tuesday publication.

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Send all comments, questions, or Harvard jokes to sports@the-tech.