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Let's Argue

Column by Mike Duffy and Andrew Heitner

Sports Columnists

The days of the Fun Bunch, Sack Dance, and Ickey Shuffle seem so distant since the owners have made celebrations illegal in the N(o) F(un) L(eague). We'd like to see a repeal of the taunting rule both in pro and college ball. While the college players would be more entertaining, who wouldn't want to see Coach Mac do the cabbage patch when the Pats register their first W?

As if we didn't know already, money talks in boxing. Tony `My Butt Fits in Two' Tubbs was arrested a few nights before his heavyweight `bout' last Thursday. He was released on bail, won his fight, and now claims to be on the road to the title. Seriously. We hear that, because of the insignificance of his priors, the Miami Hurricanes are looking to make him an offensive lineman on their football team...

Ask any one of your math professors about the statistical insignificance of conclusions drawn from a sample of six data points out of a population of 600. Yet, CBS announcers seem to stress the importance of a post-season .333 hitter versus a post-season .167 hitter, when the two guys are 2 for 6 and 1 for 6 respectively and each batted .300 during the season. Even Arthur `Auto' Mattuck could eventually get at least 2 hits in any 6 at bats...

Its too early to call, but the skeptics are wondering if Eric Lindross will be the Herschel Walker of the NHL. Single-handedly, Lindross has transformed Quebec from the cellar-dwellers to the front runners in the Adams division, while Philly remains stagnant in the middle of the Patrick...

You heard it here first. George Brett will retire from baseball this winter. He collected his 3,000th hit in the final weeks of last season, just built a new house in Overland Park, KS, his wife is due in February, and he has a guaranteed front office job for life with the Royals. The man, a lock for the Hall of Fame, simply has nothing left to prove (besides, the Royals are in no jeopardy of winning the Series this century)...

We dug up an NFL stat that does not have either the Patsies or Seadoves on the bottom. In the past 11 games, the Rams have gone 0-11 in the coin tosses. Those are 2,048 to 1 odds, or the equivalent of Don King holding an `Integrity in the Workplace' seminar...

This scribe's AL Cy Young ballot looks like this:

1. Mike Mussina, Baltimore

2. Roger Clemens, Boston

3. Matt (Cy) Young, Boston

News from the Racing circuit: Bobby Rahal eked out a 4-point victory over Michael Andretti in the Indy Car points championship. It would have been more interesting if Andretti's car had not died while in the lead with 10 laps to go in last year's Indy 500, or if anybody really cared. Walter Payton was seen as an entrant in the SCCA Mid-Ohio car race at Lexington, Ohio, over the weekend. Do you think he runs off the track when anyone comes near him?

Where are they now? Joe Garagiola, Jane Kennedy, Jimmy `The Greek' Snyder, Beano Cook, Irv Cross, Al Trautwig, Donna DeVerona, `Dandy' Don Meredith, and Frank Broyles...

Race For Futility

Patsies 63 (10.5 ppg), Seadoves 43 (6.1 ppg). Seadoves have scored fewer points all season than the 49ers did last week (56).

Trivia Question of the Week

What was the last team the Patsies beat (in the regular season)? Send answers to sports@the-tech.mit.edu.

Last week's answer: St. Louis, Islanders, Atlanta, Vancouver, Edmonton, Hartford, and Seattle. Kudos to Dave Lockwood '96, the only winner. He receives the Lisa Olson Locker Room pass to all MIT sporting events...

MIT TWIB Notes

Hats off to the men's cross country team, who have streaked to the number 5 ranking in New England...

For those roundball bouncers, tryouts for men's hoops start on Sunday, Nov. 1 at 10 a.m...

This weekend, the men's water polo team hosts the Division III New England Tourney. The number 1 seeded Beavers are in action on Saturday at 4 p.m., Sunday at 10 a.m., and, hopefully, in the finals on Sunday at 2.

Come support the women's soccer team at their next home game, Tuesday at 3 on the turf...

VIX's Picks

MIT 27, Nichols 26: MIT confuses the opposition by calling cadence in polar coordinates... Bears 16, Packers 3: Mike Ditka eats fudge all game in an effort to curb his offensive language outbreaks, while Bears' defense forces Green Bay's fans to pack it in early... Browns 21, Patsies 13: Do you think Channel 4 will purchase the remaining 50,000 tickets, thereby lifting the television blackout? Giants 27, Seadoves 0: In a Deionesque manner, threats have been sent to The Tech by former 'Dove Brian Bosworth. Seems he's threatening us with repeated water dousings if we continue to critique the 'Doves' inept `offense'... Vikings 4, Skins 3: Minnesota management mistakenly thinks that protests about offensive team logos are directed at them. Therefore, they temporarily change their name to the more politically correct Minnesota Norwegian-Americans...

Last Week: 2-4. Season Record: 11-5.